Let me preface this entire post by making it clear that I have nothing against couples who decide to postpone physical affection (i.e. kissing, full-on hugs) until marriage. If you have the willpower to wait till then, more power to you! At the same time, I can’t say that it is entirely healthy for all couples. I do understand that even the most innocent physical affection can go too far too fast. Yet, I can’t emphasize enough how much I firmly believe in touch during courtship (notice I said COURTSHIP). I feel that for many couples it is actually helpful rather than hurtful.
I’m sure
some of you may have read Dr. Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages. For those
of you who haven’t, Dr. Chapman breaks down the basic needs of married individuals. He defines these needs as love languages and
lists five. These languages are words of
affirmation, acts of services, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical
touch. Married or not, these love
languages apply to everyone. Though Josh
and I aren’t yet married, we both know each other’s primary love language. His is definitely quality time! Josh loves to spend time with me with others,
but also needs alone time with me. Refusing
to acknowledge or meet his need for quality time emotionally drains him and
puts a strain on our relationship.
I, on the
other hand, am more of a mix. I have two
competing love languages, words of affirmation and physical touch. Josh also recognizes the importance of
meeting these two needs. If one of us
continually fails to meet the other’s needs, the results can be disastrous. Physical touch is no exception to this
rule. In the past, Josh has
(unknowingly) not fulfilled my need for physical touch. He wasn’t “speaking” my love language. Rather than doing the appropriate thing and
verbally expressing myself, I chose to become bitter and pull away. At the time, he had no idea what my two love
languages were, which just made it all the more difficult for him to address
the issue. Today, I’m happy to say that
we both know each other’s love languages and are better able to meet each other’s
emotional needs.
I say all of
that to emphasize the fact that physical touch (to many) is just as important
as the other love languages. If Josh
were to never kiss me or hug me or put his arm around me, I guarantee you I’d
start to feel emotionally starved. Ask
anyone who shares this love language with me and they’ll completely agree. Though touch does not define a relationship,
its power must not be underestimated. Physical
affection is not love itself, but it is the very product of love. Thus, its absence is often perceived as the
absence of love.
In marriage,
couples who rarely touch often feel distant from their spouse. They begin to feel unloved, though they might
not admit it. This principle is true for
all romantic relationships. While lack
of touch is most detrimental in marriages, it is crushing in all relationships. Ignoring the need for touch can destroy the
emotional closeness between two people.
In an article written by Dr. Chapman, he states that physical touch “communicate[s]
that you care” and that “a hug is worth more than a thousand words”. To the person whose love language is physical
touch, something as casual as a kiss on the cheek or a quick hug can brighten
their entire day.
So, I
challenge you to learn your spouse or significant other’s love language. Learn what they NEED. If it’s words of affirmation, genuinely encourage
them each day! Quality time? Mark spaces in your schedule to put work or
school aside and spend one-on-one time with them. Is their love language physical touch? Even if you’re not the most touchy-feely
person, always make a conscious effort to give them meaningful hugs and maybe
even a kiss on the forehead. Something
as small as learning to speak each other’s love language can make a world of
difference!
If you have any questions or comments, feel free to comment below or send us an email at showinghearts@gmail.com. We look forward to hearing from you!
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