Addictions and Baggage

Let me make something clear.  Josh and I have a beautiful relationship.  I couldn’t be more blessed to have someone like him by my side.  In life, there’s always that one person that comes along and makes you realize why your other relationships never worked out.  There’s that one person who makes you understand that the word “love” is so much more than a four letter word.  For me, that special person is Josh.  Even before we first met, it’s always been him.  What makes our relationship so beautiful is that individually we are strong, loving people, and together, we are even stronger.  We’ve gone through so much during our courtship, but we’ve always come out stronger and more resilient.  We have hurt ourselves and each other multiple times, but we always end up falling deeper in love (cue eye rolls).  Say what you will, but I still believe in love, despite the fact that we live in what appears to be a loveless world.  I’m not saying that I believe a fairytale relationship, where each person is perfect and there are never any disagreements or hurt feelings.  I’m young, yes, but I’m by no means naive. 

I knew going into my relationship with Josh that there would be trials.  Think about it… two imperfect people that start dating/courting aren’t going to come together to make a perfect couple.  Logic states that imperfection can’t breed perfection.  It’s impossible.  Josh and I were two scarred, imperfect people going into an imperfect relationship.  We each brought our own set of baggage to the relationship, and as Josh mentioned in his earlier post, “Everyone comes with baggage.  Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.”  And that is exactly what we are doing.  Slowly but surely, we are helping each other to unpack.  We are laying out all our wounds, fears, addictions, and painful memories.  We are bearing it all, knowing that as we unpack we are gradually understanding each other better and as a result, falling more in love.

The baggage we brought may have been heavy, but it’s growing lighter each day.  Of this baggage, the heaviest by far has been our addictions, and I’m not necessarily referring to substance addictions.  According to Dictionary.com, the word “addiction” is defined as “the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming”.  How many of you can think of something in your lives that fits within this definition?  If you can’t think of anything, you’re either lying to yourself or you’re probably not human.  I know that I can think of several things in my life that can be defined as addictions.  I brought them into my relationship with Josh, just as Josh brought his own.  When you start dating/courting someone or even when you marry someone, your problems and addictions don’t magically disappear.  Instead, we bring each of them into our relationships and if we’re not careful, we give them the power to destroy everything in the relationship that we worked so hard to achieve.

If you’re currently in a relationship, what addictions do you have packed away in your suitcase?  Alcoholism?  Negativity?  Pornography?  A self-deprecating attitude?  An eating disorder?  Each of these addictions is not only burdensome and painful to carry, but can also take a toll on your significant other.  While it might be easier to ignore them at times, we must face them head on if we ever want our relationships to reach their full potential.  Only when we admit our faults to God, ourselves, and our loved ones can we finally find solutions and reach our own maximum potential.

Speaking from personal experience, I can say that Josh has had habits and addictions that have cut me deeply.  At times, I’ve been tempted to turn away, thinking that it will spare me from more hurt.  Yet, it is during these times that I also remember the unconditional love that God showed us when He sent His only son to die for us sinners.  We didn’t deserve His love and grace, yet we received it anyway.  Who are we to withhold this same unconditional love, forgiveness, and acceptance from others?  I’ve brought my fair share of baggage and addictions into my relationship with Josh, and he’s never turned away.  He’s always seen me for who I truly am and not what I do.  Josh deserves the very same from me.  He is not his past nor is he what he does or the mistakes he has made.  Josh is an imperfect individual just like me and worthy of my unyielding, unconditional love.

To close out this post, I’d like to go over a few steps for “unpacking” addictions and breaking them:

1. Ask yourself why you turn to ______.  Truly contemplate and pinpoint the underlying causes of your addictions and habits. 
2. Don’t minimize the severity of your addiction or deny it!  Face the fact that it is holding you down and preventing you from reaching your full potential.  If you can’t do this on your own, it’s perfectly okay to ask for help from your significant other or from loved ones. 
3. Seek alternative (healthy!) ways to cope with whatever is causing your addiction.  Don’t replace it with something equally damaging. 
4. Recognize your weaknesses.  Is it the Internet?  TV?  Negative friends?  If you want to progress and overcome your struggles, you need to get rid of whatever tempts or negatively influences you. 
5. Have a support system to help you on your journey!  Ecclesiastes 4:9 – 12 says it best.  “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.  If one person falls, the other can reach out and help.  But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.  Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone?  A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer.  Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.”  We all need loved ones and friends that will be real with us and keep us accountable. 
6. Give yourself some credit!  As you progress and slowly overcome your addiction, reward yourself for your efforts.  Whether this reward is positive words to yourself or treating yourself (and your significant other) to a fancy dinner, you need to stay motivated!

Read and reread these steps.  Memorize them!  Write them on a notecard!  Do what you have to in order to keep them fresh in your mind.  I wish you the very best on your journey!

As always, feel free to email us as Showinghearts@gmail.com.  Josh and I hope to hear from you soon!

Lose the Weight of Defeat

Even as a child, I LOVED books.  Books were and have always been a part of who I am.  I have never merely been a reader, but a dreamer, an idealist, and a visionary.  Around age 6 or 7, however, I was mostly just interested in the pictures in my mom’s “grown up” books.  One book in particular was my favorite.  You may or may not have heard of it.  Its entitled See You at the Top, and it’s written by Zig Ziglar.  I was fascinated by the clever illustrations in this book and constantly stole it from my mom’s bookshelf to leaf through its pages.  I’m pretty sure my mom knew I was only interested in the pictures.  I mean, how many 6 year olds actually read self-help books?

Anyway, a week or so ago, I found the book yet again while cleaning.  Needless to say, I cracked it open and couldn’t put it down.  I’m trying to read it slowly to absorb every bit of advice Mr. Ziglar offers his readers.  One thing really stuck out to me today as I continued reading.  In this particular section of the book, Ziglar is discussing self-image.  Referring to people with poor self-image, he states, “Since they don’t like themselves, they can’t possibly believe that a member of the opposite sex could love them above all others.”  He goes on to say that these people “can neither love nor trust their mate because they neither love nor trust themselves.”  How true that is.  Even as I type this very sentence, I struggle with a terrible self-image.  I often belittle my own talents and abilities and choose to put myself down rather than lift myself up.  It’s damaging, plain and simple.

I’m certain that many of you share in my struggle.  The journey towards self-contentment and satisfaction with one’s lot in life is a truly difficult one.  We not only have to fight our inner demons, but we have to fight against the superficial values of the society we live in.  Be sexier, be smarter, be greater, wear this, don’t wear that, lose those five pounds… We’re constantly bombarded with messages that we aren’t good enough and that we have to change some aspect (or many) of ourselves.  It’s awful!  Not only do we hurt ourselves when we hold onto our poor self-images, but we also hurt those around us, those people that love us and see us as more than enough.

Just as Ziglar said, we can’t love others and make in a difference in the world until we let go of all that’s keeping us down.  I remember playing a certain song over and over when I was younger.  It was a song by Oh Sleeper, a heavy metal Christian band.  A few lines have stuck with me from the very moment I first heard the song...

You're worth more than the cheap words.
You see your body as beauty, but your pulse is worth more.

and

Why do we keep what holds us? Why do I keep what holds me down?
Lose the weight of defeat. It's time to stand your ground.

Those words truly touched me.  They have stuck with me long past my heavy metal days.  I’m worth so much more…  Why am I holding on to what’s only holding me down?  Why am I allowing myself to be crushed by the weight of defeat?  By the lies that tell me I’m not enough? 

Though it’s easier said than done, we can’t allow the weight of defeat to hold us down.  Josh is always telling me that we are victors in Christ, never victims.  It’s so simple, yet so hard to listen to sometimes.  When we are at our lowest, we tend to dwell in our misery, preferring to stay there rather than listen to words of encouragement.  What we don’t realize is that we’re only hurting ourselves further.  Only when we recognize our worth in Christ can we finally make progress towards changing our negative views towards ourselves.  I’m still trying!  I take steps forward and steps back, but I’m always moving further forward, bit by bit.

However, it wasn’t until I read that quote today in Ziglar’s book that I realized that my struggle with self-image doesn’t just affect me.  It affects Josh as well.  The more I cling to my negative views of myself, the more I hurt myself and my relationship with Josh.  In order for me to fully love and trust Josh like he loves and trusts me, I have to let go of the poor self-image and shake off the weight of defeat.  I can’t take steps forward if I’m constantly having to carry unnecessary weight.

In all our relationships, we have to first learn to love ourselves before we can love those around us.  After all, how can we extend unconditional love and acceptance towards others if we can’t do the same for ourselves?  Can we give what we don’t have?  The answer to both of those questions is obviously no.  If we aren’t happy and content with ourselves, we can’t be truly happy and content with others. 

From this ENTIRE post, if there’s only a few pieces of advice you take away, let it be the these:

1. Take an honest look at your self-image 
2. If your self-image is poor, try to eliminate negative thoughts and focus on at least three things each day that you do well or three things about yourself that you like (I KNOW you can think of at least three) 
3. Surround yourself with positive people that build you up rather than tear you down or belittle you 
4. Discuss your struggle with your spouse or significant other so that they too can help you 
5. Research the meaning of love and focus on extending it not only to yourself, but to your partner, family, friends, and coworkers 
6. Keep a journal or write a blog!  Not only is it therapeutic, but it is a healthy and highly recommended outlet for your thoughts, feelings, and prayers.

 If you have any recommendations to add to this list or if you'd like to share your thoughts on self-image, feel free to comment or email us at Showinghearts@gmail.com.

Touch: An Important Love Language

Let me preface this entire post by making it clear that I have nothing against couples who decide to postpone physical affection (i.e. kissing, full-on hugs) until marriage.  If you have the willpower to wait till then, more power to you!  At the same time, I can’t say that it is entirely healthy for all couples.  I do understand that even the most innocent physical affection can go too far too fast.  Yet, I can’t emphasize enough how much I firmly believe in touch during courtship (notice I said COURTSHIP).  I feel that for many couples it is actually helpful rather than hurtful.

I’m sure some of you may have read Dr. Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages.  For those of you who haven’t, Dr. Chapman breaks down the basic needs of married individuals.  He defines these needs as love languages and lists five.  These languages are words of affirmation, acts of services, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch.  Married or not, these love languages apply to everyone.  Though Josh and I aren’t yet married, we both know each other’s primary love language.  His is definitely quality time!  Josh loves to spend time with me with others, but also needs alone time with me.  Refusing to acknowledge or meet his need for quality time emotionally drains him and puts a strain on our relationship.

I, on the other hand, am more of a mix.  I have two competing love languages, words of affirmation and physical touch.  Josh also recognizes the importance of meeting these two needs.  If one of us continually fails to meet the other’s needs, the results can be disastrous.  Physical touch is no exception to this rule.  In the past, Josh has (unknowingly) not fulfilled my need for physical touch.  He wasn’t “speaking” my love language.  Rather than doing the appropriate thing and verbally expressing myself, I chose to become bitter and pull away.  At the time, he had no idea what my two love languages were, which just made it all the more difficult for him to address the issue.  Today, I’m happy to say that we both know each other’s love languages and are better able to meet each other’s emotional needs.   

I say all of that to emphasize the fact that physical touch (to many) is just as important as the other love languages.  If Josh were to never kiss me or hug me or put his arm around me, I guarantee you I’d start to feel emotionally starved.  Ask anyone who shares this love language with me and they’ll completely agree.  Though touch does not define a relationship, its power must not be underestimated.  Physical affection is not love itself, but it is the very product of love.  Thus, its absence is often perceived as the absence of love. 

In marriage, couples who rarely touch often feel distant from their spouse.  They begin to feel unloved, though they might not admit it.  This principle is true for all romantic relationships.  While lack of touch is most detrimental in marriages, it is crushing in all relationships.  Ignoring the need for touch can destroy the emotional closeness between two people.  In an article written by Dr. Chapman, he states that physical touch “communicate[s] that you care” and that “a hug is worth more than a thousand words”.  To the person whose love language is physical touch, something as casual as a kiss on the cheek or a quick hug can brighten their entire day.

So, I challenge you to learn your spouse or significant other’s love language.  Learn what they NEED.  If it’s words of affirmation, genuinely encourage them each day!  Quality time?  Mark spaces in your schedule to put work or school aside and spend one-on-one time with them.  Is their love language physical touch?  Even if you’re not the most touchy-feely person, always make a conscious effort to give them meaningful hugs and maybe even a kiss on the forehead.  Something as small as learning to speak each other’s love language can make a world of difference!

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to comment below or send us an email at showinghearts@gmail.com.  We look forward to hearing from you!