Addictions and Baggage

Let me make something clear.  Josh and I have a beautiful relationship.  I couldn’t be more blessed to have someone like him by my side.  In life, there’s always that one person that comes along and makes you realize why your other relationships never worked out.  There’s that one person who makes you understand that the word “love” is so much more than a four letter word.  For me, that special person is Josh.  Even before we first met, it’s always been him.  What makes our relationship so beautiful is that individually we are strong, loving people, and together, we are even stronger.  We’ve gone through so much during our courtship, but we’ve always come out stronger and more resilient.  We have hurt ourselves and each other multiple times, but we always end up falling deeper in love (cue eye rolls).  Say what you will, but I still believe in love, despite the fact that we live in what appears to be a loveless world.  I’m not saying that I believe a fairytale relationship, where each person is perfect and there are never any disagreements or hurt feelings.  I’m young, yes, but I’m by no means naive. 

I knew going into my relationship with Josh that there would be trials.  Think about it… two imperfect people that start dating/courting aren’t going to come together to make a perfect couple.  Logic states that imperfection can’t breed perfection.  It’s impossible.  Josh and I were two scarred, imperfect people going into an imperfect relationship.  We each brought our own set of baggage to the relationship, and as Josh mentioned in his earlier post, “Everyone comes with baggage.  Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.”  And that is exactly what we are doing.  Slowly but surely, we are helping each other to unpack.  We are laying out all our wounds, fears, addictions, and painful memories.  We are bearing it all, knowing that as we unpack we are gradually understanding each other better and as a result, falling more in love.

The baggage we brought may have been heavy, but it’s growing lighter each day.  Of this baggage, the heaviest by far has been our addictions, and I’m not necessarily referring to substance addictions.  According to Dictionary.com, the word “addiction” is defined as “the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming”.  How many of you can think of something in your lives that fits within this definition?  If you can’t think of anything, you’re either lying to yourself or you’re probably not human.  I know that I can think of several things in my life that can be defined as addictions.  I brought them into my relationship with Josh, just as Josh brought his own.  When you start dating/courting someone or even when you marry someone, your problems and addictions don’t magically disappear.  Instead, we bring each of them into our relationships and if we’re not careful, we give them the power to destroy everything in the relationship that we worked so hard to achieve.

If you’re currently in a relationship, what addictions do you have packed away in your suitcase?  Alcoholism?  Negativity?  Pornography?  A self-deprecating attitude?  An eating disorder?  Each of these addictions is not only burdensome and painful to carry, but can also take a toll on your significant other.  While it might be easier to ignore them at times, we must face them head on if we ever want our relationships to reach their full potential.  Only when we admit our faults to God, ourselves, and our loved ones can we finally find solutions and reach our own maximum potential.

Speaking from personal experience, I can say that Josh has had habits and addictions that have cut me deeply.  At times, I’ve been tempted to turn away, thinking that it will spare me from more hurt.  Yet, it is during these times that I also remember the unconditional love that God showed us when He sent His only son to die for us sinners.  We didn’t deserve His love and grace, yet we received it anyway.  Who are we to withhold this same unconditional love, forgiveness, and acceptance from others?  I’ve brought my fair share of baggage and addictions into my relationship with Josh, and he’s never turned away.  He’s always seen me for who I truly am and not what I do.  Josh deserves the very same from me.  He is not his past nor is he what he does or the mistakes he has made.  Josh is an imperfect individual just like me and worthy of my unyielding, unconditional love.

To close out this post, I’d like to go over a few steps for “unpacking” addictions and breaking them:

1. Ask yourself why you turn to ______.  Truly contemplate and pinpoint the underlying causes of your addictions and habits. 
2. Don’t minimize the severity of your addiction or deny it!  Face the fact that it is holding you down and preventing you from reaching your full potential.  If you can’t do this on your own, it’s perfectly okay to ask for help from your significant other or from loved ones. 
3. Seek alternative (healthy!) ways to cope with whatever is causing your addiction.  Don’t replace it with something equally damaging. 
4. Recognize your weaknesses.  Is it the Internet?  TV?  Negative friends?  If you want to progress and overcome your struggles, you need to get rid of whatever tempts or negatively influences you. 
5. Have a support system to help you on your journey!  Ecclesiastes 4:9 – 12 says it best.  “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.  If one person falls, the other can reach out and help.  But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.  Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone?  A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer.  Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.”  We all need loved ones and friends that will be real with us and keep us accountable. 
6. Give yourself some credit!  As you progress and slowly overcome your addiction, reward yourself for your efforts.  Whether this reward is positive words to yourself or treating yourself (and your significant other) to a fancy dinner, you need to stay motivated!

Read and reread these steps.  Memorize them!  Write them on a notecard!  Do what you have to in order to keep them fresh in your mind.  I wish you the very best on your journey!

As always, feel free to email us as Showinghearts@gmail.com.  Josh and I hope to hear from you soon!

The Family Feud--Biblical Advice for Solving Marital Problems

Unlike the popular gameshow "Family Feud" where families vie for a cash prize of up to $20,000 each show, most (if not all) married couples have family feuds of their own with their spouse. Financial, spiritual, emotional, and sexual problems can all result in a failed or miserable marriage if they are not properly dealt with and if the couple does not communicate well.

I was reading some passages in the Bible today on humility, grace, forgiveness and love and I came to realize that problems in marriage, or the "family feuds," stem from 3 main sources: his past & her past, his concerns & her concerns, and mutual problems from relationship. Understanding that there are 3 main sources of conflict within marriages and relationships can help us break down the method to resolving conflict according to God's plan and commandment for us.

Before I analyze how to deal with the individual sources of conflict, I want to say that I am a firm believer that marital or relationship problems can be solved if each spouse is willing to diligently follow God's word for how we are supposed to deal with trials and problems. Some people believe that the concept of marriage is flawed. God's perfect plan is not flawed. People are flawed, but reading and applying God's scripture to your life and your marriage can dramatically impact your happiness and the happiness of those around you.

So, onto dealing with the sources of conflict...

1. His past & her past:

I praise God everyday that Marisa still wants to be with me. I have an interesting past filled with things that I regret doing (but appreciate the lessons I learned), as well as a handful of baggage from my parents' divorce. I also suffer significantly from feelings of disrespect that stem from the way my Mom has treated me like a child for years into my adolescence and early adulthood. I often mistake things Marisa or anyone else does careless or rudely as direct signs that they disrespect me, which is obviously not true.

I also suffer with some feelings of worthlessness and feeling bad about my body. I matured early, was tall at a young age, and had (and have) far more body hair than most of my peers. This has caused me to believe at times that I am unworthy of the truly beautiful woman Marisa is (inside and out) and has caused intense feelings of jealousy whenever she gets too close in my opinion to other guys.

I am quite the case and it is truly a blessing that God has given me to have Marisa in my life. She has taught me so much about sacrificial love and persevering through trials and I am so grateful for the maturity in Christ and in general that this relationship has allowed me to acquire. All that being said, I still have the various issues from the past that cause conflict, and the way Marisa and I resolve conflict depends on the way we are able to address and resolve issues in the past. 

Source: http://positivemed.com

Ephesians 4:32 commands us to "be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." It is key to your spouse's happiness to always be gentle and always forgive. Love covers a multitude of sins, including sins that have roots in the past. You must love and bear with your partner through their issues and the emotional baggage of their past. I am blessed that Marisa follows this commandment from God and that I do the same for her life. 

I think this is the most important thing you can practice to resolve conflicts that are rooted in the past. There is a saying that says "everyone comes with baggage... find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." You need to be committed to helping your spouse or partner sort through the past and you need to be gentle, understanding, caring, and loving as they deal with any unresolved conflict. God tells us to be understanding, supportive, and caring towards our spouse because it is way easier to deal with the past and help people understand their personal problems than trying to retroactively deal with problems caused by the past. 

2. His concerns and her concerns: 

It's natural to be worried and wonder about your future, but too much worry, fear, and doubt can destroy a marriage. If there is one thing I have learned throughout my life, there are only one thing certain in life and those are God and His Word. Obviously money is important to paying bills and having a sense of financial security, but God is the ultimate provider and the world is an ever-changing place. However, money is a false sense of complete security. In October of 1929, millions of people woke up around the world to find their vast fortunes or entire life savings blown away by the wave of run off spending due to fear and speculation. 

People tend to use fear and speculation to drive their life, especially their financial choices. People save money for the future, believing that some greenbacks (since nothing is really "gold backed" anymore) equate to security. It's crazy to me that we invest so much into believing that something that is completely worthless is (in some peoples' opinions) more powerful and secure than God. We speculate about our retirement and our lives with our families and become concerned that we do not have enough money.

The same basic principles of fear and speculation oftentimes cause conflict over concerns pertaining to the future. God has given us his Word about the fleeting nature and uncertainty of the future and advice for how to deal with a spouse that is overly concerned. 

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Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.  But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. --Matthew 6: 31-33

God knows and can meet our needs if we trust in him. Whenever your family falls into a place of economic uncertainty, dwell on God's promise to us and you will find that your heart will be put at ease and you will be inspired to put God's plan for your life and success into action. Encourage your spouse to place their trust in God and believe in his blessings if they are struggling. The future may look bleak, but God promises us in Jeremiah 29:11 that he knows the "plans he has for you...plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

I think most concerns people have about the future pertain to potential financial problems. However, for other areas of concern, bear with your spouse knowing that the two of you are a team and that you have made a committment in front of God and the community to tackle the problems of life together. Embrace the concept James speaks of by "counting all trials as joy" because trials develop you into better people and can draw you closer in love through their overcoming. Work with your spouse diligently and persist in love. If a third party is needed to help you communicate your concerns about your future, seek out counsel from your pastor or from a licensed Christian Marriage and Family counselor.

3. Mutual problems from the relationship:

A lot of people enter relationships and marriages with the expectations are going to be a certain way. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, expectations are oftentimes not reality and this leads people to communicate poorly because they intentionally believe their spouse is doing something wrong.

Whenever you get into a heated argument because of failed expectations (or any other reason), follow the advice of Proverbs 15:1 by using a "soft answer" to "turn away wrath" instead of harsh or abusive words that create more problems. There are times where you will be wrong, there will be times where you spouse will be wrong, and there are times where you will both be loved. The important thing is preservers and your actions play a big role in whether or not your relationship stays together and his happy. This website gives readers 3 key phrases that they should always practice using with their spouse during and after arguments. They are the following:  

• I love you.
• I forgive you.
• I'm sorry.

Just saying these phrases will advance you so far in your relationship and your ability to truly understand and meet the needs of your spouse.

A final note: One thing I struggled with at the beginning of my relationship with Marisa was pride and a belief that there was nothing wrong with me and all of our problems stemmed from her past and her wrongdoings. This is a bologna way to think about things! You as much a part of the problem and you can be an equal or greater amount of the solution. We're all imperfect and sinners. We must recognize this and not act haughty around our loved ones. Praying the following prayer Psalm 15: 1-13 daily can help you approach "problems" you think your spouse is solely responsible for with the attitude of grace, humility and love: 

Have mercy on me, O God,

    according to your unfailing love;

according to your great compassion

    blot out my transgressions.

 

Wash away all my iniquity

    and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,

    and my sin is always before me.

 

Against you, you only, have I sinned

    and done what is evil in your sight;

so you are right in your verdict

    and justified when you judge.

 

Surely I was sinful at birth,

    sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

 

Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;

    you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;

    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

 

Let me hear joy and gladness;

    let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

 

Hide your face from my sins

    and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,

    and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 

Do not cast me from your presence

    or take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation

    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways,

    so that sinners will turn back to you.