A Generation of Not Being in Love

     While listening to one of my Pandora music stations the other day, a Drake song come on that really made me stop and think.  Now let me preface the rest of this post by saying that I'm not a fan of most rappers or their derogative music.  However, this one particular song caught my attention.  After I got over my initial surprise at who this song was being sung by, I stopped and listened to the lyrics.  What I heard was even more surprising and hit so close to home.

     The opening lyrics talk about the unfortunate end of a relationship and how it's not the end of the world.  Normal enough.  Then came the chorus and second verse, which was what blew me away.  In the chorus, Drake talks about how staying in the relationship and pretending that all is fine is the wrong thing to do.  He then goes on to sing, "We live in a generation of not being in love and not being together // But we sure make it feel like we're together // Cause we're scared to see each other with somebody else."  That was the line that hit home for me.  It describes my generation perfectly.  So often I've watched as couples fight and break up, make up and get back together, all because it's comfortable or convenient.  It's so sad and discouraging.

     This is my generation, "a generation of not being in love and not being together."  It looks pretty hopeless at times.  As I mentioned in my previous post, my generation is disillusioned with false expectations of love and relationships, never quite understanding the true meaning behind love, never looking to our Heavenly Father as a divine example.  

     If you're in a dating/courting relationship right now, I have a few questions for you.  Whether you're a member of my generation or not, these questions apply to you.

1. Why are you with the person you're dating/courting?  
2. What is it about them that first attracted you to them?
3. How do you usually feel when you're around them?
4. If you've ever considering breaking up with this person, why did you decide not to?

     These are only a few of the multitude of questions I could ask you about your relationship.  I believe that everyone, deep down, knows whether or not they should or shouldn't be with a certain person.  Sadly, we don't realize it because we're so focused on finding that love we dreamed about when we were younger.  We push our doubts and apprehension to the back of our minds because we're so focused on making it work with this person.  I've been guilty of it in past relationships, and I know you have too.

     Stop lying to yourself.  You need to be honest not only with yourself, but with your partner.  I often read articles about how you'll know when you've found the ONE.  These articles imply that you'll immediately know and that you'll never need to question your "love" for this person.  I'm here to tell you that it's OKAY to question your relationship.  I don't mean question in a negative way nor do I mean that you should question your relationship with your partner forever.  What I'm trying to say is that in the beginning and even several months or a year into your relationship, you should ask yourself the above questions.  You should question your own motives and expectations for the relationship.

     When I first started dating Josh, I questioned almost everything!  I'm a naturally cynical and apprehensive person.  Though there have certainly been times when I've failed to ask questions, I often continually question things until I'm confident that I've uncovered the truth.  Josh was no exception.  I was immediately attracted to his charisma, adorableness (despite the fact that he's like 10 feet tall), and his contagious, amazingly perfect laugh (you'd have to hear it).  Yet, I questioned him.  I asked him questions about himself and repeatedly asked myself if he was the right person to date or even marry.

     As the months went by in our relationship, I became more and more confident.  I became increasingly sure of the truth.  There were times when I was overly critical and negative, yet I always came back to the same conclusion, the conclusion that I still have today: Josh is the right one, not the one I'm with because I'm desperate for companionship, not the one I'm with because of his looks, not the one I'm with because it's convenient at the moment, and not the one I'm with because he wants to be with me too (although this is partially necessary for a successful relationship).  I'm with Josh because of who he is as an individual, not who he is as my boyfriend.  He is ambitious, unconditionally loving, inspirational, genuine, fun, forgiving, generous, serious when he needs to be, understanding, a real conversationalist, a listener, and a man after God's own heart.  He's not perfect, but I love him even more for it.  He doesn't think he deserves me, but in believing that he doesn't, he does.  I love him because he loves me and because he gives me so much and puts so much into our relationship, but I love him even more because of what I can do for him and how I can bless him.

     Want to know whether or not you're in the right relationship?  Ask yourself if you're getting more than you're giving in the relationship.  Ask yourself if you could honestly see yourself with this person for the rest of your lives.  If not, it's time to reevaluate and to be completely honest.

There are several things you must consider when evaluating your relationship.  They are as follows:

1. In the right relationship, you shouldn't have to hide parts of yourself from your partner.
2. You shouldn't feel the need to lie to them about your past.
3. You shouldn't fear your partner in any way.
4. You shouldn't feel constant jealousy of them or of their friends nor should they try to make you jealous.
5. You shouldn't have to change for this person.  They should accept and love you, flaws and all.
6. You should be able to trust them.
7. You shouldn't have a backup plan just in case it doesn't work out with them.  You're setting yourself up for failure that way.
8. You should be able to depend on them, but not be codependent.
9. You shouldn't dread spending time with them.
10. You shouldn't have to or want to hide the relationship from others.
11. You shouldn't be with your partner if they can never admit they're wrong and never take responsibility.
12. You shouldn't bash each other in public OR in private.
13. You should be able to go to them with your problems and know that they'll listen, love you, and try to help you.
14. You should both constantly be inspiring each other to be better and do better.
15. You shouldn't want to change who they are or what they believe (we often call this missionary dating).

     The list goes on, but these are the top things to evaluate.  If your relationship matches each of these qualifications, great!  If not, your relationship may just need a bit of work and a bit more open communication.  If your partner refuses to work with you, then it may be time to move on.  Thus far, this blog has been about making relationships work and making them better, but I refuse to lie to you and tell you that all relationships can be fixed.  We will all end up in some relationship or another that we're definitely not supposed to be in.  When this happens all we can do is move on and learn from our mistakes, difficult as that may be.

     If you're going through a breakup I encourage you to push forward and believe that God has a plan.  I encourage you to put God first in each of your future relationships and to ask questions.  Even if you're still in a dating/courting relationship, remember to make God your first priority and to ask those difficult questions.  Some of the answers may hurt, but they'll save you from making even bigger mistakes an experiencing even more heartache.  Don't be content to be the "generation of not being in love".  Refuse to conform to that social trend and instead seek true, God-inspired love.

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

 Feel free to email Josh and I with your thoughts, suggestions, or if you would like prayer or advice.  We thank you for stopping by our blog and hope you'll be back!  

Blessings!

-Marisa

 

Breaking the Chains of False Intimacy

Ask yourself the following questions before you begin reading this post:

• Do you feel like you can share anything with your partner?
• Do you feel like you completely understand the pain of the past?
• Do you trust you partner?
• Are you completely open and intimate with your partner?

If you answered no to any of the above questions, odds are you are pursuing false intimacy. Unlike genuine intimacy, false intimacy gives us the temporary satisfaction of feeling loved, accepted, powerful, or important, but eventually lets us down when reality sets in. Dr. Harry Schaumburg is one of the leading experts on sexual addictions and other behaviors that destroys relationships. Although Dr. Schaumburg's book, False Intimacy, deals primarily with the rooting and causes of sexually addictive behavior, the book also can be used to understand the pitfall and roots of people pursuing false intimacy in place of genuine intimacy. 

Designed primarily to help people overcome addictions to pornography, affairs, and other destructive behavior, Dr. Schaumburg also talks about the causes and roots of why some people resort to this destructive behavior to heal their past wounds and find some sense of intimacy. When people do not understand what intimacy is because of being abused as a child, having a poor parental relationship model, or any other event that would cause intimacy confusion, two responses are common according to Dr. Schaumburg: seeking false intimacy or withdrawing entirely from intimate relationships. 

This book was recommended to me because it can help readers truly understand the roots and perversions of false intimacy and helps readers grow to understand what true intimacy is. Schaumburg argues that most of us at one point or another are the perpetrator of false intimacy. We have all be hurt, disappointed, or confused at one point during our lives and it has led each and every one of us to seek intimacy in satisfaction in a sinful way. Schaumburg states that false intimacy doesn't simply include severe cases of addiction, like viewing pornography or having an affair, but also seemingly minor things, like compulsively fantasizing over romance novels or casually flirting with a coworker. 

To understand what false intimacy is, we need to define what real intimacy is according to God's plan. Real intimacy is what is portrayed in the Garden of Eden between Adam and Eve before the fall of man. The couple lived naked, unashamed, and completely one with one another. 

False intimacy is serpent that comes into our lives and tempts us with false comfort and satisfaction. False intimacy can be rooted in past relationships, pains, and hurts or those of the present. If we have experienced major disappointments or an inability to be intimate with our parents or our early childhood friends, Schaumburg argues that this can be detrimental to our development as an adult with the capacity to be truly intimate. 

I want to briefly share how false intimacy has impacted my life and my side of my relationship with Marisa. I want to put a disclaimer that my sharing of this information is out of humility and I apologize if it offends or saddens you in any way. From around the time my parents got divorced, I have struggled with poor self-esteem and never understood what true intimacy is. I never truly understood what it was because my parents got divorced when I was 12, and much of my early childhood memory of them isn't filled with marital intimacy.  Instead, it's filled with marital disharmony and fighting. I also felt very awkward around my early adolescence because I was a lot taller than my peers and I matured (with a lot of body hair, I might add) significantly faster than any of my peers. This resulted in me being called a 'freak' by a variety of my 'friends' and not being able to make and maintain friendships that I genuinely desired and needed. 

I also had feelings for many of my female classmates around middle school like many guys that age, but I was frequently rejected because of my awkward demeanor and often very gregarious personality. One instance that sticks out in my mind to this very day is when a very attractive classmate of mine whom I had a crush on asked me if I was gay because of my outgoing personality. Ever since this moment, I have had a lot of issues thinking that any woman would genuinely love me, and I've tried to fill the void with destructive attitudes and behavior because of my fear of rejection. 

Without any sort of model for what real intimacy was, I gave into the lies of false intimacy and still struggle to break free. Yet, my past is not an excuse for my continued behavior and sin. My continued negative attitudes and behavior has severely damaged my relationship with Marisa at times. I cannot even begin to imagine how much pain it has caused her. 

IF YOU READ ANYTHING IN THIS POST, READ THIS! The beauty of real intimacy is that although it's hard and it requires a great deal of humility, honesty, and openness, real intimacy embraces you, a sinner, for who you are and loves you even more! This... this has been my relationship with Marisa. We have both shared our struggles with one another and been very hurt at times by things that have occurred. However, we hurt for the other person, not for our own pain, grief, and confusion. Do we have pain from what the other person does? Sure... we are human, after all. Honesty, openness, and total safety are what makes real intimacy work and uplift both people involved! This intimacy was designed by God for parent/child mentoring and eventually husband/wife love. This perfect, real intimacy is modeled after God's desire for an intimate relationship with us! How blessed we are that God loves us and that he shows us how to be truly intimate and truly love!

I must put another disclaimer here: You need to be in a certain place to have real intimacy. You need to be in a place of humility, total love, total acceptance, and you need to completely understand your own problems and past. You need to set aside your own pain, disappointment, and confusion and come to the aid of your partner (or whomever you are intimate with). I have been tremendously blessed, well beyond what I deserve, because of the real intimacy Marisa and I are constantly perfecting. We have had our own issues in our past and we have failed each other. We still have problems embracing real intimacy because setting aside our own pains at times can be hard. However, real intimacy and real love has transformed our lives and makes us certain that we are destined to be together and that we are blessed by our amazing, forgiving, and ever-loving God!

Pray for me, an imperfect sinner, as I journey to break my addiction to false intimacy. I'm praying for you too and encourage you to remove the sources of false intimacy from your life!

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We are blessed to hear from so many of our readers! I encourage you to email us at showinghearts@gmail.com if you have any comments or questions! I also want to open our email to prayer requests for anyone struggling with anything, but especially relationship issues or the pitfalls of false intimacy. We love sharing our experiences with you and hope that you continue with us on our journey. God bless you!

The L-Word

     "One of the great ironies of life is that we treat 'love' like a dirty word and then act surprised when people give themselves to anyone and everyone because they don't know what true 'love' is."  Surprisingly, I came up with this quote myself just the other day.  I don't even remember what I was doing.  It just suddenly came to me, like God had placed it on my heart.  Turn on the news, and you'll see just how true it.
   
     From celebrity marriages that barely last a month to the fluctuating (but always problematic) rate of teen pregnancy, it's clear that modern society is struggling with the true definition of "love".  Many refuse to even believe in its existence.  Think about some of the most popular songs on the radio today.  What are they about?  More than likely, they're about love, specifically lost love or destroyed love.  These songs most often mesh sex and love together, blurring the lines between the two until they seem almost synonymous.  But they're not, are they?  Yet, modern society has brainwashed us, most notably the Millennial Generation, into believing that they are one in the same.

     Therein lies the problem.  We no longer know what true love is.  We treat "love" like a dirty word, belittling it as if it's a disease, treating it as if it's shameful.  We have become so focused on denouncing love and criticizing those who profess to have found it, that we've forgotten to focus on what love IS.  It's no wonder that my generation, the Millennials, are so disillusioned.  How are we expected to know what love is if we've never been taught?  We're like blind men stumbling around in the dark, not knowing which way to turn.  For example, look at teenage pregnancy.  According to the Office of Adolescent Health, 305,420 babies were born to girls between the ages of 15 and 19, with 89% of these births occurring outside of marriage.  This was in 2013 alone!  And that number doesn't even include the abortions that took place.

     Clearly, my generation still believes in love, but hasn't quite figured out the true meaning behind it.  We have equated sex with love, thinking that the first will bring us the latter.  But that's never the case.  More often than not, my generation pays dearly for this mistake.  Even marriage doesn't solve this issue.  Marriage and love no longer go hand in hand.  While the two are by no means synonymous, love is sometimes not even a factor in marriage, though it is vital.  Today, many marriages are solely built upon such things as loneliness, the need for financial stability, the need for emotional stability, or even convenience. I'm not saying that the aforementioned items aren't important, but apart from love, they cheapen the value and sanctity of marriage.  Just look at the divorce rates!  Though not all divorces are due to a lack of love within the marriage, many surprisingly are.  People enter into marriage thinking they've got love all figured out, only to realize down the road that they never truly loved the person they married.  This may hit close to home for some of you, and I'm deeply saddened if it does.

     Some of you may be going through a breakup or a divorce right now, wondering how you even got to this place.  Some of you may be blaming yourselves for what happened.  If you are, I encourage you to stop.  If you earnestly tried to make your relationship work, gave it your all, but just couldn't find the "love" you once had for that person, stop beating yourself up.  Stop dwelling on the past and punishing yourself because you think what happened is all your fault.  Stop feeling like something's wrong with you because there's nothing wrong with you.  There's something severely wrong with our society.  Like me, you've probably never been taught what true love is.  Like me, you've probably been told, You're too young to understand love.  Never say you're in love.  Just date around.  Your relationships will all end anyway.  Why commit?  You'll just end up breaking up or getting divorced.  You're too naive.  You're too young to know what you want.  If you've given in to these lies, you're not alone.  We've been told by society that love either doesn't exist or been told that it is something that it's not.  So how can you blame yourself?  How can you give something (e.g. love) to someone if you don't even know what it is?  You simply can't.

     So what is true love?  Does it exist or is all hope lost?  I assure you that all hope is not lost.  You may have given in to lies before, but you no longer have to.  You can be set free.  In the pursuit of true love, we often forget about our heavenly Father and His unconditional love.  We forget to mirror our love after His.  1 John 4:7-8 says, "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.  Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love."  As children of the most high God, we are called to accept one another and love just as He loved us.  As it says in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8,  

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance ... love will last forever!"

     Does your love measure up to this standard?  I know that mine hasn't always.  I'm often guilty of forgetting one or two of these characteristics of love.  As a result, my love has sometimes been very conditional.  When I first started dating Josh, I thought I knew what love was.  I thought I had it all nailed down.  However, I quickly realized how wrong I was.  My love for Josh didn't always measure up to God's standards.  I often demanded my own way or lost faith or came close to giving up.  Fortunately, Josh was God's instrument.  God used him to show me what true love is all about.  He used Josh to show me that love does exist and that it goes beyond any of the lies I've been force-fed by society.  What started out as casual dating, turned into something so much more.  It became meaningful dating, courtship if you will.  And if you haven't found somebody that exemplifies love or if you're still trying to reach God's standard of true love, I encourage you to keep pushing forward.  You are a victor, never a victim.  Will you listen to God's truth or to the lies of society?

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As always, I thank you for visiting our blog and taking the time to read our posts.  It is my sincere hope that you are able to take something away.  Feel free to email us at Showinghearts@gmail.com.  We look forward to hearing from you!

Blessings!

--Marisa

Addictions and Baggage

Let me make something clear.  Josh and I have a beautiful relationship.  I couldn’t be more blessed to have someone like him by my side.  In life, there’s always that one person that comes along and makes you realize why your other relationships never worked out.  There’s that one person who makes you understand that the word “love” is so much more than a four letter word.  For me, that special person is Josh.  Even before we first met, it’s always been him.  What makes our relationship so beautiful is that individually we are strong, loving people, and together, we are even stronger.  We’ve gone through so much during our courtship, but we’ve always come out stronger and more resilient.  We have hurt ourselves and each other multiple times, but we always end up falling deeper in love (cue eye rolls).  Say what you will, but I still believe in love, despite the fact that we live in what appears to be a loveless world.  I’m not saying that I believe a fairytale relationship, where each person is perfect and there are never any disagreements or hurt feelings.  I’m young, yes, but I’m by no means naive. 

I knew going into my relationship with Josh that there would be trials.  Think about it… two imperfect people that start dating/courting aren’t going to come together to make a perfect couple.  Logic states that imperfection can’t breed perfection.  It’s impossible.  Josh and I were two scarred, imperfect people going into an imperfect relationship.  We each brought our own set of baggage to the relationship, and as Josh mentioned in his earlier post, “Everyone comes with baggage.  Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.”  And that is exactly what we are doing.  Slowly but surely, we are helping each other to unpack.  We are laying out all our wounds, fears, addictions, and painful memories.  We are bearing it all, knowing that as we unpack we are gradually understanding each other better and as a result, falling more in love.

The baggage we brought may have been heavy, but it’s growing lighter each day.  Of this baggage, the heaviest by far has been our addictions, and I’m not necessarily referring to substance addictions.  According to Dictionary.com, the word “addiction” is defined as “the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming”.  How many of you can think of something in your lives that fits within this definition?  If you can’t think of anything, you’re either lying to yourself or you’re probably not human.  I know that I can think of several things in my life that can be defined as addictions.  I brought them into my relationship with Josh, just as Josh brought his own.  When you start dating/courting someone or even when you marry someone, your problems and addictions don’t magically disappear.  Instead, we bring each of them into our relationships and if we’re not careful, we give them the power to destroy everything in the relationship that we worked so hard to achieve.

If you’re currently in a relationship, what addictions do you have packed away in your suitcase?  Alcoholism?  Negativity?  Pornography?  A self-deprecating attitude?  An eating disorder?  Each of these addictions is not only burdensome and painful to carry, but can also take a toll on your significant other.  While it might be easier to ignore them at times, we must face them head on if we ever want our relationships to reach their full potential.  Only when we admit our faults to God, ourselves, and our loved ones can we finally find solutions and reach our own maximum potential.

Speaking from personal experience, I can say that Josh has had habits and addictions that have cut me deeply.  At times, I’ve been tempted to turn away, thinking that it will spare me from more hurt.  Yet, it is during these times that I also remember the unconditional love that God showed us when He sent His only son to die for us sinners.  We didn’t deserve His love and grace, yet we received it anyway.  Who are we to withhold this same unconditional love, forgiveness, and acceptance from others?  I’ve brought my fair share of baggage and addictions into my relationship with Josh, and he’s never turned away.  He’s always seen me for who I truly am and not what I do.  Josh deserves the very same from me.  He is not his past nor is he what he does or the mistakes he has made.  Josh is an imperfect individual just like me and worthy of my unyielding, unconditional love.

To close out this post, I’d like to go over a few steps for “unpacking” addictions and breaking them:

1. Ask yourself why you turn to ______.  Truly contemplate and pinpoint the underlying causes of your addictions and habits. 
2. Don’t minimize the severity of your addiction or deny it!  Face the fact that it is holding you down and preventing you from reaching your full potential.  If you can’t do this on your own, it’s perfectly okay to ask for help from your significant other or from loved ones. 
3. Seek alternative (healthy!) ways to cope with whatever is causing your addiction.  Don’t replace it with something equally damaging. 
4. Recognize your weaknesses.  Is it the Internet?  TV?  Negative friends?  If you want to progress and overcome your struggles, you need to get rid of whatever tempts or negatively influences you. 
5. Have a support system to help you on your journey!  Ecclesiastes 4:9 – 12 says it best.  “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.  If one person falls, the other can reach out and help.  But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.  Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone?  A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer.  Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.”  We all need loved ones and friends that will be real with us and keep us accountable. 
6. Give yourself some credit!  As you progress and slowly overcome your addiction, reward yourself for your efforts.  Whether this reward is positive words to yourself or treating yourself (and your significant other) to a fancy dinner, you need to stay motivated!

Read and reread these steps.  Memorize them!  Write them on a notecard!  Do what you have to in order to keep them fresh in your mind.  I wish you the very best on your journey!

As always, feel free to email us as Showinghearts@gmail.com.  Josh and I hope to hear from you soon!

When Life Get's Unclear, Readjust Your Focus

Life is like a camera; how we react to things depends a lot on our perspective and our focus. The success of any relationship depends on the same principles that define photography.

I've been an amateur photographer since my sophomore year in high school when I took my first photography class. In photography, I learned a lot about color, texture, value, composition, and lighting. However, two of the most important things that makes any picture "great" are perspective and focus.

A lot of people with cameras take photos at around eye-level, pointing more or less directly straight forward. Tied with the increasing fad of "selfies," only photographing things at eye level will create a boring and homogenous photography portfolio. The same goes for life and especially relationships.

If you only approach your relationship with one perspective, you only understand where you are coming from. There are times in relationships that require us to change our perspective. Changing your perspective can mean sympathizing with your partner during a dispute or it can mean realizing that when you are wronged by your partner your situation could be significantly worse. Changing our perspective allows us to better understand our partner, our goals for a relationship, and ourselves. If you change your perspective often, you may find that you need to make some serious adjustments to yourself, your decisions, and your character for the betterment of yourself, your partner, and your relationship.

Refocusing allows us to gain greater understanding! Source

The other thing that makes a photograph amazing is clear or unique focus. I cannot tell you how many pictures my teacher vetoed for my portfolio because they were "too blurry" or "incorrectly focused." A lot of people in life go around with an incorrect focus. People, including myself, tend to focus so much on the negative aspect of their mate and their lives. We can grumble and complain about our mate's tics, their inability to communicate, their bad sense of humor, or their inability to listen.

Challenge yourself everyday to readjust your focus! You need to do this especially if you feel wronged or victimized by the person you love. Philippians 4:8 is some of the greatest advice to live by when you are experiencing frustration, disappointment, or anger because of your relationship:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

I am sure you can find at least one good thing in your partner when you are mad at them, and once you do that you can find a dozen, two dozen, or even more things you admire in them. You need to ALWAYS focus on the good in your partner. Whenever we become bogged down by the bad things that our partners have done, it is so easy to get overwhelmed and want to end the relationship or seek commitment elsewhere. Below are some questions you can ask yourself to get yourself thinking about the good things your partner has done in your life:

1. What do you admire most about your partner?
2. What is your favorite thing about your partner's appearance? 
3. What is your favorite thing about your partner's character? 
4. What are some favorite memories you have shared together?
5. What does your partner do for you to make you feel loved, comforted, or secured?

When you ask yourself the above questions, you will be certain to always find positive things about your partner to dwell on during times of turmoil. Life and relationships can be tumultuous. We must keep our eyes on the prize of an amazing relationship and life with God or we will sink. Above all else, it is critical that if you are not where you need to be with God that you readjust your focus on Him. With God, all things are possible, including overcoming your relationship's problems. 

A final note: 

One other thing I learned about photography is that it doesn't matter what type of camera you have, it's the photographer, not the camera, that makes a photo great. You can have a $50 point and shoot, or a $3,000 Nikon DLSR with fancy lenses. If you don't know how to use your camera, you won't take a good picture, plain as that.

People often think that you need lots of money, job security, or an older age (like 30) to be "qualified" to marry. That's complete garbage. It doesn't matter if you are rich or poor, have a job or don't have a job, and young or old. You either have good preparation, the skills to do marriage, and commitment or you don't. Just like how the uneducated photographer will take terrible pictures with the fancy camera, people who are rich, have job security, and are older DO NOT necessarily have what it takes to make a  marriage work. However, the people who are trained, read marriage resources, go to premarital counseling, study the word of God, and understand that marriage requires constant work and dedication can have the most successful marriage around, even if they are not rich, do not have a job right now, or are young. When it comes to getting married, it's the couple, not their circumstances, that will define their relationship's success. 

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How can you refocus and change your perspective in your relationship? What are some of the things you value about your partner that help you always focus on the good? We love to hear your story! Feel free to comment below or email us at showinghearts@gmail.com.

God bless you!

Forgiveness: Christ Commands us to to not Cast our 'Stones' at our Sinning Mate

Disappointment is inevitable in marriage and in life. One way or another, people will let you down. The severity of disappointment often varies by offense. Your spouse can let you down by mocking you and being a bad communicator, or they can disappoint you by committing infidelity which msn.com lists as the #3 reason couples get divorced. No matter how disappointed you are by your spouse, if you want to continue your relationship and live according to Christ's plan, it is critical to be in a place where you can forgive them and work towards restitution.

I think most married people would agree that one of the greatest offenses their spouse could commit (and the hardest to forgive) is infidelity. For people already struggling with insecurity or feelings of low self worth, the blow from infidelity can be almost unbearable. However, whether it be infidelity or any other offense, the hardest thing to rebuild after committing a serious sin against your spouse is trust.

Rebuilding trust and moving forward from any offense requires the commitment of both spouses. It requires the offending spouse to realize what they did was wrong and that they have the desire to repent and change from their ways. For the offended spouse, it is key to learn to forgive and work forward like Christ commands.

Whenever I've been hurt by Marisa in the past, I always tried focus on the lesson learned through Christ's forgiveness of the woman caught in the act of adultery in John 8. In the time of the Pharisees, the "law of Moses commanded [the people] to stone" women caught in the act of adultery (John 8:5). The punishment for this act wasn't just a separation from her husband (like it is so often today), but her brutal execution by her neighbors.

Christ forgave the woman caught in the
act of adultery! He encourages us to forgive
one another an give grace freely. Source

The people in this story were preparing to stone the woman for her sin, fulfilling the punishment that the law commanded. Sometimes we use our own stones from our hurt and pain to "stone" our mate. Even if you do not terminate the relationship, your words and actions can sometimes result in the spiritual death of your mate, causing your mate to be suffocated by so much grief and guilt for what they did.

Instead of stoning our spouse, we need to drop the stone and come to their aid, no matter how hard it seems. Christ protected this adulterous woman, proclaiming to the crowd "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her," (John 8:5). The crowd left from the oldest to the youngest, realizing that nobody was without sin and that nobody deserved to stone her for what she did.

You have NO right to "stone" your spouse for what they did to you, no matter how bad you are hurt. If you want to work forward from whatever transgression occurred, you must embrace the forgiveness of Christ and extend it to your spouse, realizing that the forgiveness and grace you are giving to your spouse is the very same forgiveness and grace Christ has given all of us.

Forgiving your spouse and working towards restitution are two different things. Forgiveness only involves yourself... it is your choice and it helps you! Working towards restitution means that your spouse is actively interested in forsaking their past sin and moving forward. Christ told the woman that he "does not condemn her," but also "to go and sin no more."

The blessing of grace is the gift of a another chance. Christ has given us a second chance. Lay your hurt at the foot of the cross, pray, and extend the love of God to your sinning spouse in the same way Christ forgave the adulterous woman... the same way he forgives us and gives us grace.

I was inspired to write today's post when I flipped open my copy of The First Five Years of Marriage  to a chapter entitled "How Can I get my Spouse to Forgive Me?" The answer to this question is that you really cannot force your spouse to forgive you, but encourage them to forgive. One couple that experienced the pain of infidelity told the author of this chapter that the following scripture was central to their recovery from the affair:

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice: And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:31-32). 

Forgiveness is a process, and it takes time. This author from Focus on the Family gives us 4 points to remember when going through the process of forgiving our spouse (or anyone, for that matter):

1. Recognize that forgiveness is a process
2. Realize that fear can be a barrier to forgiveness
3. Seek outside guidance (e.g. a counselor)
4. Be honest with yourself 

Forgiveness and restitution can be the most rewarding experiences in growing your relationship as a couple and growing your relationship with Christ. Marisa and I have both hurt and disappointed one another multiple times. However, by following Christ's commandment to forgive, Marisa and I have deepened our love greatly for each other and nurtured our relationship with Christ. By extending Christ's forgiveness and grace to your spouse, you can truly learn what it means and how awesome it is that we are forgiven and unconditionally loved by God! 

Have you been hurt by something your spouse has done? Have you overcame disappointment through forgiveness and grace? As always, Marisa and I love to hear what you have been through in your relationship and walk with Christ! We encourage you to comment on our posts or email us at showing hearts@gmail.com with your testimony, questions, and points of discussion.

God bless you, and I hope you have an amazing weekend!

Great Expectations: How the Past and Childhood Influence Our Thoughts Toward Marriage

Expectations drive our lives and our decisions. Everyday during the week I am expected to get to my internship at 8 am. I expect there to be traffic on my commute to work. I expect to be very tired when I return from work. Many of us even have expectations for some of the most minor things in our lives, like what we are going to eat for dinner.

Expectations are important because they influence our decisions and our reactions toward expected and unexpected events. If something happens according to our expectations, we are satisfied. However, if things don't work out as planned, sometimes we can become extremely disgruntled, angry, frustrated, or sad. Since expectations have such a large influence on our lives and decisions, the primary focuses of premarital counseling are the expectations each partner has about marriage and married life.

People normally have various expectations about what their marriage will be like. If you ask most unmarried men, many will tell you that they expect to have frequent sex with their wife when they are married. Some women may have the expectation that their husband will be the primary bread-winner for the family.

Are expectations an unneeded weight our your
relationships's shoulders? Source

Expectations can also be influenced from our past and our childhood. For the children of divorced parents, like myself, there is the expectation that their marriage will be better and communication in their marriage will be better than their parents' marriage. (If not, we'd all remain single.) By the same token, children of parents with a near perfect marriage may expect to have a fairytale marriage with minimal problems. For children of controlling parents, they may assume their spouse will be controlling, impacting their intimacy and communication with their spouse.

Since I am potentially interested in doing Marriage and Family Counseling as a career (and since I want to have a good marriage), I've been reading a book released by Focus on the Family titled The First Five Years of Marriage -- Launching a Lifelong, Successful Relationship. This book has some of the most valuable and understandable advice on common marriage issues and it's a must read for all couples looking to marry or newly married. The First Five Years of Marriage has a chapter called "Why Isn't Marriage the Way I Thought it Would Be?" Sadly, this is a question many couples outside of the honeymoon stage are asking because marriage is not the fairytale the media portrays it to be.

This chapter in the book raises the point that many times the expectations couples have about their marriage are focused on what "their marriage will be like, not what they want their marriage to be like." If we embrace the belief that we want our marriage to be a certain way, that implies that we must work to make it that way. Things do not magically fall into place and you can be guaranteed that your marriage will have problems. The author of this chapter warns us that our expectations "might be slightly off target, but they could be early warning signs about issues that will cause more trouble if you don't resolve them."

So how do we adjust our expectations from what our marriage will be like to what we want our marriage to be like? There are two steps:

1. Recognize that marriage is a call to selflessly serving your spouse.
2. Read and follow God's word for what He wants your marriage to be like.

Marriage is not easy and it takes this servant attitude and a desire to follow God's word to make it truly successful. Through reading and meditation on God's word, we can grow to truly understand God's call to us in marriage to live more like Christ. A successful marriage is learned, not inherited. We must learn to listen, encourage, serve, and unconditionally love our mate. 

I am by no means perfect or all-knowing when it comes to marriage advice, and Marisa and I are not married yet. We are, however, trying to grow together and we invite you to join in our journey. If you have had a successful marriage in Christ and want to share your testimony and wisdom with us, we would love to hear from you. Also, if you have questions or want either of us to address a specific topic about marriage, young marriage, courtship, or any Christian dating topic, we also would love to honor your requests. Please email us any time at showinghearts@blogspot.com. 

God bless you!

Marriage is like an Alliance of Two Castles

I've always been a nerd for Medieval history. Whenever I study this era in history I think about all the complex alliances and perilous battles that the people of Europe experienced, as well as the errible diseases that nearly wiped some cities off the map.

This is probably not the way you are expecting me to start a blog post about marriage and dating. Well, what if I could tell you that marriage and dating is in a way very similar to Medieval times?

Source

People are like castles. Through their own experiences, they build up their town (or personality) inside themselves. When people are with their friends, family, or partner, people tend to open the gates of their castle and allow these other people to come into their lives and shape their character. However, when people are hurt or defensive, people tend to shut the gates and keep people locked out of their life.

Marriage is the ultimate alliance of castles. It unites two people into one body. The castles' gates are open and their is free exchange of information and goods between each castle, allowing each castle to grow, thrive, and prosper. In a perfect marriage, people are extremely blessed through their sacrifice and teamwork with their mate. Yet, in many marriages people are so hurt by their mate, friends, family, or past experiences that they do not open their gates and they effectively shut their mate out of their life.

When we shut people out of our life and try to deal with bitterness and sorrow alone, we allow roots of bitterness to grow and infect our marriage and life, robbing us of our joy. Deep bitterness is like a plague that so commonly destroyed Medieval communities. Someone or something comes into the castle and brings an infectious disease with it. What can seem like something trivial at the time, like a harsh word, can spread like wildfire inside the soul of a person if they do not properly resolve their pain. Terrible experiences from childhood, negative actions by a mate, and other unresolved trauma can destroy a person from within.

With God and his word we can become freed of your anger! Ephesians 4:26 commands us to "not let the sun go down on our anger." Whatever hurt you are holding on to, you need to forgive and let it go. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength. Forgiveness enables us to heal and begin a life freed from the pain of the past. 

Many times when people are hurt and dealing with bitterness, they close the gates, shutting out their mate. All communication is cut off and the infected castle slowly dies from within. While the disease spreads, the neighboring ally has a doctor with the cure that they can send to the other castle if they knew the other castle. The ally wants to help its suffering neighbor, but they cannot do that if they never know there is a problem and if the other castle will not open their gates.

When two people are in the alliance of marriage, it is truly required that the couple be completely open with each other, sharing all pain and all joy together. The gates need to be open at all times and communication needs to always be clear and unhindered. Couples need to tell one another about their past. Couples need to tell each other about their transgressions. In short, couples need to be completely open and honest with one another. When the gates are not open, we try to deal with our problems on our own when, in reality, God has give you a partner--an ally--to encourage you through your joy and pain. It is your calling as a spouse to actively want to lay down your own life for the betterment of your spouse. 

I've been through a lot of pain from various experiences in my life, including things Marisa has done to me. Marisa has been through a great deal of pain as well in her past, and has at times shut me out of her life like the infected castle that has its gates closed. With time, Marisa and all people with their gates closed can be encouraged to open their gates to their mate if the following 2 characteristics are seen in their partner:

Source

1. The Ability and Desire to Listen: It's one thing to tell your partner that you care about them. It's another to have the ability to listen to their problems and troubles and empathize with them. Spouses must train themselves to listen like the way James encourages us: "Be quick to listen and slow to speak." Know that many times your opinion and advice is not wanted, simply your encouragement and understanding. If you want to give your mate advice, always remember that "a harsh word stirs up anger, but a gentle word turns away wrath." Never be harsh or tense with your spouse and NEVER assume that you really understand where they are coming from or what they experienced.

2. A Complete Place of Security: If your mate tells your something that is troubling them, it means they trust you. Do not turn around and use what they tell you as a dagger to stab them in the back. Open communication goes two ways and it is always assumed that if your mate tells you something troubling that it is confidential unless they give you permission to speak about the matter with other people. Mutual security in each other is the foundation of trust and honesty in a relationship.

The beauty in knowing that Marisa and my relationship is going to result in marriage, the ultimate commitment, is that our relationship allows me to practice patience, kindness, and gentleness with her. I've not always been perfect in this regard, in fact far from it! But I am learning through this commitment how to love and live just as Christ did. Every day we renew our commitment to keep our gates open and strengthen our alliance with one another in Christ!

I sincerely hope this post has blessed you and that you are learning something as Marisa and I blog about our journey together. We always look for feedback from our readers. If you have a response to one of our posts or you want to share your own story or advice with us, please comment below or email us at showinghearts@gmail.com. We love you and look forward to hearing from you!