A Generation of Not Being in Love

     While listening to one of my Pandora music stations the other day, a Drake song come on that really made me stop and think.  Now let me preface the rest of this post by saying that I'm not a fan of most rappers or their derogative music.  However, this one particular song caught my attention.  After I got over my initial surprise at who this song was being sung by, I stopped and listened to the lyrics.  What I heard was even more surprising and hit so close to home.

     The opening lyrics talk about the unfortunate end of a relationship and how it's not the end of the world.  Normal enough.  Then came the chorus and second verse, which was what blew me away.  In the chorus, Drake talks about how staying in the relationship and pretending that all is fine is the wrong thing to do.  He then goes on to sing, "We live in a generation of not being in love and not being together // But we sure make it feel like we're together // Cause we're scared to see each other with somebody else."  That was the line that hit home for me.  It describes my generation perfectly.  So often I've watched as couples fight and break up, make up and get back together, all because it's comfortable or convenient.  It's so sad and discouraging.

     This is my generation, "a generation of not being in love and not being together."  It looks pretty hopeless at times.  As I mentioned in my previous post, my generation is disillusioned with false expectations of love and relationships, never quite understanding the true meaning behind love, never looking to our Heavenly Father as a divine example.  

     If you're in a dating/courting relationship right now, I have a few questions for you.  Whether you're a member of my generation or not, these questions apply to you.

1. Why are you with the person you're dating/courting?  
2. What is it about them that first attracted you to them?
3. How do you usually feel when you're around them?
4. If you've ever considering breaking up with this person, why did you decide not to?

     These are only a few of the multitude of questions I could ask you about your relationship.  I believe that everyone, deep down, knows whether or not they should or shouldn't be with a certain person.  Sadly, we don't realize it because we're so focused on finding that love we dreamed about when we were younger.  We push our doubts and apprehension to the back of our minds because we're so focused on making it work with this person.  I've been guilty of it in past relationships, and I know you have too.

     Stop lying to yourself.  You need to be honest not only with yourself, but with your partner.  I often read articles about how you'll know when you've found the ONE.  These articles imply that you'll immediately know and that you'll never need to question your "love" for this person.  I'm here to tell you that it's OKAY to question your relationship.  I don't mean question in a negative way nor do I mean that you should question your relationship with your partner forever.  What I'm trying to say is that in the beginning and even several months or a year into your relationship, you should ask yourself the above questions.  You should question your own motives and expectations for the relationship.

     When I first started dating Josh, I questioned almost everything!  I'm a naturally cynical and apprehensive person.  Though there have certainly been times when I've failed to ask questions, I often continually question things until I'm confident that I've uncovered the truth.  Josh was no exception.  I was immediately attracted to his charisma, adorableness (despite the fact that he's like 10 feet tall), and his contagious, amazingly perfect laugh (you'd have to hear it).  Yet, I questioned him.  I asked him questions about himself and repeatedly asked myself if he was the right person to date or even marry.

     As the months went by in our relationship, I became more and more confident.  I became increasingly sure of the truth.  There were times when I was overly critical and negative, yet I always came back to the same conclusion, the conclusion that I still have today: Josh is the right one, not the one I'm with because I'm desperate for companionship, not the one I'm with because of his looks, not the one I'm with because it's convenient at the moment, and not the one I'm with because he wants to be with me too (although this is partially necessary for a successful relationship).  I'm with Josh because of who he is as an individual, not who he is as my boyfriend.  He is ambitious, unconditionally loving, inspirational, genuine, fun, forgiving, generous, serious when he needs to be, understanding, a real conversationalist, a listener, and a man after God's own heart.  He's not perfect, but I love him even more for it.  He doesn't think he deserves me, but in believing that he doesn't, he does.  I love him because he loves me and because he gives me so much and puts so much into our relationship, but I love him even more because of what I can do for him and how I can bless him.

     Want to know whether or not you're in the right relationship?  Ask yourself if you're getting more than you're giving in the relationship.  Ask yourself if you could honestly see yourself with this person for the rest of your lives.  If not, it's time to reevaluate and to be completely honest.

There are several things you must consider when evaluating your relationship.  They are as follows:

1. In the right relationship, you shouldn't have to hide parts of yourself from your partner.
2. You shouldn't feel the need to lie to them about your past.
3. You shouldn't fear your partner in any way.
4. You shouldn't feel constant jealousy of them or of their friends nor should they try to make you jealous.
5. You shouldn't have to change for this person.  They should accept and love you, flaws and all.
6. You should be able to trust them.
7. You shouldn't have a backup plan just in case it doesn't work out with them.  You're setting yourself up for failure that way.
8. You should be able to depend on them, but not be codependent.
9. You shouldn't dread spending time with them.
10. You shouldn't have to or want to hide the relationship from others.
11. You shouldn't be with your partner if they can never admit they're wrong and never take responsibility.
12. You shouldn't bash each other in public OR in private.
13. You should be able to go to them with your problems and know that they'll listen, love you, and try to help you.
14. You should both constantly be inspiring each other to be better and do better.
15. You shouldn't want to change who they are or what they believe (we often call this missionary dating).

     The list goes on, but these are the top things to evaluate.  If your relationship matches each of these qualifications, great!  If not, your relationship may just need a bit of work and a bit more open communication.  If your partner refuses to work with you, then it may be time to move on.  Thus far, this blog has been about making relationships work and making them better, but I refuse to lie to you and tell you that all relationships can be fixed.  We will all end up in some relationship or another that we're definitely not supposed to be in.  When this happens all we can do is move on and learn from our mistakes, difficult as that may be.

     If you're going through a breakup I encourage you to push forward and believe that God has a plan.  I encourage you to put God first in each of your future relationships and to ask questions.  Even if you're still in a dating/courting relationship, remember to make God your first priority and to ask those difficult questions.  Some of the answers may hurt, but they'll save you from making even bigger mistakes an experiencing even more heartache.  Don't be content to be the "generation of not being in love".  Refuse to conform to that social trend and instead seek true, God-inspired love.

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

 Feel free to email Josh and I with your thoughts, suggestions, or if you would like prayer or advice.  We thank you for stopping by our blog and hope you'll be back!  

Blessings!

-Marisa

 

Don't Let the "Aphids" Destroy Your Relationship

As I was scrolling through the blog today, I realized that Josh and I never explained the meaning behind the title nor did we explain the role that it plays in our lives.  For starters, Showing Hearts was completely Josh's idea.  We like to read the Bible together, trade verses, or read relationship books together.  Yet, a blog wasn't something I had truly considered until he brought the idea to me.  And it was one of the best decisions we've made.  Now, as for the title, that was more my idea.  You would think that choosing a title for the blog would be the easiest part.  Not so!  After we threw around several titles, I finally came up with the perfect one.  At the time, I was listening to the song All of Me by John Legend.  Towards the end of the song he sings, "Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts.  Risking it all, though it's hard."  That's when it came to me.  Showing Hearts!  It was perfect, and Josh completely agreed.  As stated in the lyrics, both of our cards are on the table and they're showing hearts.  It's often hard to share the deepest part of yourself with someone else, let alone on a blog!  Yet, that's exactly what we're doing.  We're showing our hearts.  We're allowing ourselves to be open and vulnerable.  And we don't regret it.

As for the role that the blog plays in our lives, it has become an outlet for our innermost thoughts, a place where both Josh and I could share our "uncensored" thoughts on life, love, courtship, and marriage.  We've chosen not to promote the blog via our personal social media accounts because we'd prefer it to remain a relatively personal and private outlet through which we can express ourselves without potential scrutiny and criticism from our more negative, doubting friend group.  If, down the line, some of our friends and loved ones happen to stumble upon it, we hope it will be a blessing to them.

Source

Too often in life, there are people that criticize your every move and try to shove their negativity down your throat.  Maybe these people are your  siblings, your close friends, or even your parents or guardians.  It's like no matter what you do, you're wrong (in their eyes, at least).  You don't know anything.  Who are you to talk?  Why should I even listen to you?  You're too young.  You're just going to fail anyway.  They may not explicitly say these things, but believe me, they are implied.  I like to compare these people to a tiny but lethal bug known as an aphid.  For those of you who don't know, aphids are tiny insects that are the bane of every gardener's existence.  These creatures like to plant themselves (pun intended) on roses, honeysuckles, and any flowering foliage.  They latch onto the plants and don't let go until they have literally sucked the life out of said plant, leaving only deformed leaves and flowers in its wake.

I'm sorry to say that there are people in our lives who can act much like these treacherous aphids.  Whether consciously or subconsciously, these people cut you down, belittle your talents and abilities, and try to set you up for failure.  There are people that especially try to do this to your relationship or marriage.  It's destined to fail.  You'll never make it.  Just give up now.  Like I said, it's most often implied.  They (or you!) may not realize it, but much like the aphids, they're crippling you or your relationship.

If possible, it's best to either completely ignore their negativity or if that's too difficult, you may need to reconsider your relationship with these people.  That being said, I don't think it's always wise to try to cut these people out of your live.  Oftentimes, they don't even realize that what they are doing is hurtful and negative.  Instead of blowing up in their faces or trying to prove them wrong, it's best to trust in God's will and know that He has great things planned for you, regardless of the criticism you may face.  After all, is there anyone that knows more than God?  Is there anyone that can tell you what you can and can't accomplish or what your future will hold?  No one but the Almighty knows and what He places upon your heart is for you only.  

Personally, I know that I am guilty of acting or speaking negatively, quite often in fact!  At times, I inadvertently become the aphid, choosing to focus on harsh criticism and dwell in my discouragement.  When this happens, Josh repeatedly has to remind me to readjust my focus.  The same is true for others.  Sometimes we just have to remind them to readjust their own perspectives.

Though Josh and I have had problems and have faced our fair share of criticism, we've learned not to let it faze us.  We like to let the criticism challenge us and strengthen our resolve and commitment to each other.  While the "aphids" in our lives may threaten to destroy what we've worked for, we always remind ourselves to put God first and rely on Him as our primary source of strength.


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We hope that you've been enjoying our posts and will continue following us on our journey.  Thank you for each of the wonderful emails that you've sent us and for allowing us to be vulnerable and show our hearts without restraint.  Feel free to contact us at Showinghearts@gmail.com if you have any suggestions for future posts, if you'd like advice, or if you need prayer.  We look forward to hearing from you!
 






 

"Chunking" your Commitment!

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. --Lao Tzu--

Marriage is a journey that has a definite destination. The goal of marriage is to bring couples fulfillment by learning to love and live together like how Christ loves the church. The ultimate destination of marriage is reaching a place where both spouses are Christ-like servants to first and foremost one another and then to those around them, including their families, friends, and co-workers.

Like any journey, marriages have twists and unforeseen obstacles that make reaching our goal of a "perfect" and Christ-filled marriage difficult. Pains from the past, unforeseen loss, and financial burdens are just some of the circumstances that can cause people to quit this journey because they lose sight on their destination and are too weighed down by hurt and fear. People have preconceived notions that marriage should be easy and always "perfect" and romantic. When negative events shake our lives, we lose footing on this false preconception.

At times, a "perfect" marriage may seem impossible to achieve. That's because it is.

Marriage is a process--a journey--and like any journey, the only way to take it is one step at a time. It can be very overwhelming if you and your spouse make a commitment to have a "perfect" marriage that we know already does not exist in the romanticized way we think it does. We know our ultimate goal is to near perfection, but we may not know how to get there.

I love this quote and image! Source

Marisa's post yesterday on how to overcome addictions and baggage got me thinking about how we approach goals in general in our lives. The way many addicts (and people with other goals) approach their ultimate goal of being freed from their addiction, whatever it may be, is by saying "NO" to temptation one day at a time. To a sex addict, an alcoholic, or a chronic smoker, saying "NO" for a lifetime is extremely overwhelming, and the consequences for failure seem far more steep. Addicts who try to cold-turkey their addiction and don't make each day a step in their recovery but instead try to make their whole life a promise of freedom will binge on their addiction the minute they fail. Instead, if we fail on saying "NO" to an addiction for a day, we only have failed that day, not our entire lives (past or future). Addicts who use each day as a "step" will not binge if they slip.

People are overburdened by the notion that their entire marriage and family life has to be perfect. It never will be perfect, so if you believe your entire marriage ought to be perfect, you need to remove that false idea right now from your mind. Your marriage can (and will) be near perfect if you put in the work that the journey requires and, like addiction recovery, use each day as a step to reach your goal of a marriage that is in the perfect image of God's love. God is perfect and God is love. The reason why God's sacrament, marriage is imperfect is because people are imperfect, not God or marriage!

If the idea of having a near-perfect or perfect marriage seems overwhelming, "chunk" your commitment! 

Use each and every day in your marriage as a step in your journey to complete marital fulfillment. Commit to having the best marriage you can have today! I'm asking for 24 hours (more like 16 if you sleep 8 like me). Use each and every waking hour to tell your partner how much you love them, to show them what it means to love like Christ loves us, and to make sure your partner's every need is met. That's all I want. You'll find that after making the commitment to have the best marriage you can have today, tomorrow you can do the same thing. And the next day, and so on! Your life and marriage will become so amazingly blessed by chunking your ultimate goal into something far more manageable!

Lao Tzu was absolutely right in saying the longest journey starts with one step! Are you willing to take the first step and commit to make your marriage the most Christ-like it can be today?

Marisa and I sincerely hope that our posts and advice blesses you. We are by no means experts on marriage, dating, courtship, or Christian living, but we are trying to learn and grow! We always welcome comments, advice, questions, and testimonies on our blog by commenting below or you can reach us at showinghearts@gmail.com.

God bless you and I look forward to seeing what "chunking" your commitment can do for you and your marriage!

When Life Get's Unclear, Readjust Your Focus

Life is like a camera; how we react to things depends a lot on our perspective and our focus. The success of any relationship depends on the same principles that define photography.

I've been an amateur photographer since my sophomore year in high school when I took my first photography class. In photography, I learned a lot about color, texture, value, composition, and lighting. However, two of the most important things that makes any picture "great" are perspective and focus.

A lot of people with cameras take photos at around eye-level, pointing more or less directly straight forward. Tied with the increasing fad of "selfies," only photographing things at eye level will create a boring and homogenous photography portfolio. The same goes for life and especially relationships.

If you only approach your relationship with one perspective, you only understand where you are coming from. There are times in relationships that require us to change our perspective. Changing your perspective can mean sympathizing with your partner during a dispute or it can mean realizing that when you are wronged by your partner your situation could be significantly worse. Changing our perspective allows us to better understand our partner, our goals for a relationship, and ourselves. If you change your perspective often, you may find that you need to make some serious adjustments to yourself, your decisions, and your character for the betterment of yourself, your partner, and your relationship.

Refocusing allows us to gain greater understanding! Source

The other thing that makes a photograph amazing is clear or unique focus. I cannot tell you how many pictures my teacher vetoed for my portfolio because they were "too blurry" or "incorrectly focused." A lot of people in life go around with an incorrect focus. People, including myself, tend to focus so much on the negative aspect of their mate and their lives. We can grumble and complain about our mate's tics, their inability to communicate, their bad sense of humor, or their inability to listen.

Challenge yourself everyday to readjust your focus! You need to do this especially if you feel wronged or victimized by the person you love. Philippians 4:8 is some of the greatest advice to live by when you are experiencing frustration, disappointment, or anger because of your relationship:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

I am sure you can find at least one good thing in your partner when you are mad at them, and once you do that you can find a dozen, two dozen, or even more things you admire in them. You need to ALWAYS focus on the good in your partner. Whenever we become bogged down by the bad things that our partners have done, it is so easy to get overwhelmed and want to end the relationship or seek commitment elsewhere. Below are some questions you can ask yourself to get yourself thinking about the good things your partner has done in your life:

1. What do you admire most about your partner?
2. What is your favorite thing about your partner's appearance? 
3. What is your favorite thing about your partner's character? 
4. What are some favorite memories you have shared together?
5. What does your partner do for you to make you feel loved, comforted, or secured?

When you ask yourself the above questions, you will be certain to always find positive things about your partner to dwell on during times of turmoil. Life and relationships can be tumultuous. We must keep our eyes on the prize of an amazing relationship and life with God or we will sink. Above all else, it is critical that if you are not where you need to be with God that you readjust your focus on Him. With God, all things are possible, including overcoming your relationship's problems. 

A final note: 

One other thing I learned about photography is that it doesn't matter what type of camera you have, it's the photographer, not the camera, that makes a photo great. You can have a $50 point and shoot, or a $3,000 Nikon DLSR with fancy lenses. If you don't know how to use your camera, you won't take a good picture, plain as that.

People often think that you need lots of money, job security, or an older age (like 30) to be "qualified" to marry. That's complete garbage. It doesn't matter if you are rich or poor, have a job or don't have a job, and young or old. You either have good preparation, the skills to do marriage, and commitment or you don't. Just like how the uneducated photographer will take terrible pictures with the fancy camera, people who are rich, have job security, and are older DO NOT necessarily have what it takes to make a  marriage work. However, the people who are trained, read marriage resources, go to premarital counseling, study the word of God, and understand that marriage requires constant work and dedication can have the most successful marriage around, even if they are not rich, do not have a job right now, or are young. When it comes to getting married, it's the couple, not their circumstances, that will define their relationship's success. 

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How can you refocus and change your perspective in your relationship? What are some of the things you value about your partner that help you always focus on the good? We love to hear your story! Feel free to comment below or email us at showinghearts@gmail.com.

God bless you!

Forgiveness: Christ Commands us to to not Cast our 'Stones' at our Sinning Mate

Disappointment is inevitable in marriage and in life. One way or another, people will let you down. The severity of disappointment often varies by offense. Your spouse can let you down by mocking you and being a bad communicator, or they can disappoint you by committing infidelity which msn.com lists as the #3 reason couples get divorced. No matter how disappointed you are by your spouse, if you want to continue your relationship and live according to Christ's plan, it is critical to be in a place where you can forgive them and work towards restitution.

I think most married people would agree that one of the greatest offenses their spouse could commit (and the hardest to forgive) is infidelity. For people already struggling with insecurity or feelings of low self worth, the blow from infidelity can be almost unbearable. However, whether it be infidelity or any other offense, the hardest thing to rebuild after committing a serious sin against your spouse is trust.

Rebuilding trust and moving forward from any offense requires the commitment of both spouses. It requires the offending spouse to realize what they did was wrong and that they have the desire to repent and change from their ways. For the offended spouse, it is key to learn to forgive and work forward like Christ commands.

Whenever I've been hurt by Marisa in the past, I always tried focus on the lesson learned through Christ's forgiveness of the woman caught in the act of adultery in John 8. In the time of the Pharisees, the "law of Moses commanded [the people] to stone" women caught in the act of adultery (John 8:5). The punishment for this act wasn't just a separation from her husband (like it is so often today), but her brutal execution by her neighbors.

Christ forgave the woman caught in the
act of adultery! He encourages us to forgive
one another an give grace freely. Source

The people in this story were preparing to stone the woman for her sin, fulfilling the punishment that the law commanded. Sometimes we use our own stones from our hurt and pain to "stone" our mate. Even if you do not terminate the relationship, your words and actions can sometimes result in the spiritual death of your mate, causing your mate to be suffocated by so much grief and guilt for what they did.

Instead of stoning our spouse, we need to drop the stone and come to their aid, no matter how hard it seems. Christ protected this adulterous woman, proclaiming to the crowd "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her," (John 8:5). The crowd left from the oldest to the youngest, realizing that nobody was without sin and that nobody deserved to stone her for what she did.

You have NO right to "stone" your spouse for what they did to you, no matter how bad you are hurt. If you want to work forward from whatever transgression occurred, you must embrace the forgiveness of Christ and extend it to your spouse, realizing that the forgiveness and grace you are giving to your spouse is the very same forgiveness and grace Christ has given all of us.

Forgiving your spouse and working towards restitution are two different things. Forgiveness only involves yourself... it is your choice and it helps you! Working towards restitution means that your spouse is actively interested in forsaking their past sin and moving forward. Christ told the woman that he "does not condemn her," but also "to go and sin no more."

The blessing of grace is the gift of a another chance. Christ has given us a second chance. Lay your hurt at the foot of the cross, pray, and extend the love of God to your sinning spouse in the same way Christ forgave the adulterous woman... the same way he forgives us and gives us grace.

I was inspired to write today's post when I flipped open my copy of The First Five Years of Marriage  to a chapter entitled "How Can I get my Spouse to Forgive Me?" The answer to this question is that you really cannot force your spouse to forgive you, but encourage them to forgive. One couple that experienced the pain of infidelity told the author of this chapter that the following scripture was central to their recovery from the affair:

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice: And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:31-32). 

Forgiveness is a process, and it takes time. This author from Focus on the Family gives us 4 points to remember when going through the process of forgiving our spouse (or anyone, for that matter):

1. Recognize that forgiveness is a process
2. Realize that fear can be a barrier to forgiveness
3. Seek outside guidance (e.g. a counselor)
4. Be honest with yourself 

Forgiveness and restitution can be the most rewarding experiences in growing your relationship as a couple and growing your relationship with Christ. Marisa and I have both hurt and disappointed one another multiple times. However, by following Christ's commandment to forgive, Marisa and I have deepened our love greatly for each other and nurtured our relationship with Christ. By extending Christ's forgiveness and grace to your spouse, you can truly learn what it means and how awesome it is that we are forgiven and unconditionally loved by God! 

Have you been hurt by something your spouse has done? Have you overcame disappointment through forgiveness and grace? As always, Marisa and I love to hear what you have been through in your relationship and walk with Christ! We encourage you to comment on our posts or email us at showing hearts@gmail.com with your testimony, questions, and points of discussion.

God bless you, and I hope you have an amazing weekend!

Great Expectations: How the Past and Childhood Influence Our Thoughts Toward Marriage

Expectations drive our lives and our decisions. Everyday during the week I am expected to get to my internship at 8 am. I expect there to be traffic on my commute to work. I expect to be very tired when I return from work. Many of us even have expectations for some of the most minor things in our lives, like what we are going to eat for dinner.

Expectations are important because they influence our decisions and our reactions toward expected and unexpected events. If something happens according to our expectations, we are satisfied. However, if things don't work out as planned, sometimes we can become extremely disgruntled, angry, frustrated, or sad. Since expectations have such a large influence on our lives and decisions, the primary focuses of premarital counseling are the expectations each partner has about marriage and married life.

People normally have various expectations about what their marriage will be like. If you ask most unmarried men, many will tell you that they expect to have frequent sex with their wife when they are married. Some women may have the expectation that their husband will be the primary bread-winner for the family.

Are expectations an unneeded weight our your
relationships's shoulders? Source

Expectations can also be influenced from our past and our childhood. For the children of divorced parents, like myself, there is the expectation that their marriage will be better and communication in their marriage will be better than their parents' marriage. (If not, we'd all remain single.) By the same token, children of parents with a near perfect marriage may expect to have a fairytale marriage with minimal problems. For children of controlling parents, they may assume their spouse will be controlling, impacting their intimacy and communication with their spouse.

Since I am potentially interested in doing Marriage and Family Counseling as a career (and since I want to have a good marriage), I've been reading a book released by Focus on the Family titled The First Five Years of Marriage -- Launching a Lifelong, Successful Relationship. This book has some of the most valuable and understandable advice on common marriage issues and it's a must read for all couples looking to marry or newly married. The First Five Years of Marriage has a chapter called "Why Isn't Marriage the Way I Thought it Would Be?" Sadly, this is a question many couples outside of the honeymoon stage are asking because marriage is not the fairytale the media portrays it to be.

This chapter in the book raises the point that many times the expectations couples have about their marriage are focused on what "their marriage will be like, not what they want their marriage to be like." If we embrace the belief that we want our marriage to be a certain way, that implies that we must work to make it that way. Things do not magically fall into place and you can be guaranteed that your marriage will have problems. The author of this chapter warns us that our expectations "might be slightly off target, but they could be early warning signs about issues that will cause more trouble if you don't resolve them."

So how do we adjust our expectations from what our marriage will be like to what we want our marriage to be like? There are two steps:

1. Recognize that marriage is a call to selflessly serving your spouse.
2. Read and follow God's word for what He wants your marriage to be like.

Marriage is not easy and it takes this servant attitude and a desire to follow God's word to make it truly successful. Through reading and meditation on God's word, we can grow to truly understand God's call to us in marriage to live more like Christ. A successful marriage is learned, not inherited. We must learn to listen, encourage, serve, and unconditionally love our mate. 

I am by no means perfect or all-knowing when it comes to marriage advice, and Marisa and I are not married yet. We are, however, trying to grow together and we invite you to join in our journey. If you have had a successful marriage in Christ and want to share your testimony and wisdom with us, we would love to hear from you. Also, if you have questions or want either of us to address a specific topic about marriage, young marriage, courtship, or any Christian dating topic, we also would love to honor your requests. Please email us any time at showinghearts@blogspot.com. 

God bless you!

When the Extraordinary Becomes Ordinary

For those of you in love with the person you believe God has placed in your life, I am sure you feel the same sort of happiness and completeness that Marisa and I feel. Love according to God's plan is something extraordinary and something that He has promised us in his word.

Some people are able and practicing living and loving according to God's plan and have a blessed and fulfilled life. However, many more people have relationships where the extraordinary becomes ordinary. Marisa wrote in this post about how we and everyone have points in their relationships where they take their significant other for granted. It's easy to forget that our spouse is a blessing and was constructed in God's perfect image. When we forget how truly special our significant other is, the extraordinary that God has blessed us with in our lives becomes ordinary.

Image Source

Marisa and I were blessed yesterday to hear a sermon taught by by a pastor at Ecclesia in Houston. The pastor spoke about how God uses the ordinary in our lives sometimes to be the way we hear him. Christ chose 12 ordinary men to be his disciples. God used ordinary loaves and fishes to feed the multitudes. What we think may be ordinary in our lives is always a blessing that God has given us.

Considering your spouse "ordinary" is not a good thing and not something I would encourage to make you feel better connected to them. My point in writing this post is to show you that if your spouse is now just a part of your routine or if you have become to take them for granted, God can use your routine and "ordinaryness" to transform your relationship. Sometimes it takes thinking someone or something is ordinary to realize how truly powerful and amazing it is when we finally reach the realization that what we once took for granted is awesome, a blessing, and cannot be taken for granted.

Taking each other for granted and considering each other "ordinary" and "part of a routine" is what nearly destroyed Marisa's and my relationship. However, through the tough circumstances that we have recently endured forever, we both realize now that what we once held as "ordinary" in our lives--each other--is actually the most extraordinary, fantastic, and wholesome blessing God has given both of us in our lives.

The reason I titled this post "When the Extraordinary Becomes Ordinary" is because that's how many relationships end. People often take God's blessings in our lives as granted. Our spouses are not "ordinary," but whenever we fall into a routine of ordinary things God uses the ordinary as his Holy ground for showing you the beauty of his presence and image. Are you listening and looking around in your life for how the "ordinary" is actually "extraordinary?"

"Don't Worry, Be Happy" -- Why Goofiness is Important to Marriage and Relationships

Marisa's commentary on the last post she wrote about how serious and deep my thoughts and posts are got me thinking that I need to write some more uplifting and "light" posts. Marriage (and commitment to marriage) are two subjects that are difficult to think about in a "light" way. Both require work, planning, and the execution of steps on the path to becoming selfless. Being truly selfless is one of the most difficult things a person can ever do, but something God has called us all to do.

Today's post from me on my lunch break will be about why goofiness is important to marriage and relationships. This is a radical departure from my posts about dying to self or defending the principle of young marriage, and it is a much needed one. The seriousness of marriage (or even a commitment of wanting to get married) can be so serious at times that it can leave us frustrated, confused, or concerned. We can worry about the past and the future all we want, and there is definitely a benefit to "worrying" in a positive way by sorting out the past with your spouse and planning the future. However, too much worry can kill an otherwise healthy and beautiful relationship. We see it all the time. The Huffington Post comments on how too much worry in the form of repeated arguments about finances can lead to divorce. A score of other things can cause marriages to fall apart when there is too much "worry" in the relationship and not enough joy.

It's healthy to revisit the past and learn the lessons you need to learn from your mistakes. It's also important to plan with your spouse for the future. However, the only moment you have for certain with your spouse or significant other is the present. Stop worrying all the time and be happy. Let goofiness be a routine in your marriage or relationship and you'll find that you not only worry less, but that you are happier and more fulfilled with your spouse or significant other.

You might not be goofy or may have a dry sense of humor, I get that. Despite that, you really need to let happiness be a habit in your life and in your marriage. Even eHarmony notes that happiness and a playful nature in a couple can something that makes or breaks relationships:

Having a lighthearted approach to life and love makes for happy individuals—and of course happy individuals make happy romantic couples. It’s no wonder the Old Testament book of Proverbs includes this wisdom: “A happy heart is good medicine and a cheerful mind works healing, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.”

So make happiness and playfulness a priority in your relationship! You might be thinking "How on earth do I do that, Josh?" Well, I am a pretty goofy person, and my laugh has been described by Marisa and many others as being "contagious." I have a few tips on how to be goofy and how to let you and your spouse or significant others be light-hearted instead of constantly worrying by fretting about the past or future.


Me being goofy in Galveston!

1. Don't be afraid to be weird. I know a lot of people are afraid they will come off as "weird" to their significant other, especially on the first date or important occasions. There's nothing worse than acting goofy and being your playful self only to be duped and realize that the person you are with really does not like your goofiness. Take it as a blessing though if you are dating someone and you realize you cannot be yourself around them. You aren't meant to be if you feel that you have to hide your humor or change the way you act around your significant other. However, if you are already married, I suggest you talk about your humor if it really is a divisive issue between the two of you. Something that is meant to be uplifting shouldn't tear you apart. You should definitely change bad habits like cursing, being vulgar, etc., but good things like your sense of humor and personality need not change. They are an integral part of you and will not change. I'm not suggesting you do something really weird on the first date with your potential spouse, but after getting to know him or her, start letting your goofiness take control sometimes and don't always be so up-tight. Goofiness can diffuse arguments. I know that one time I diffused an argument with Marisa by telling her I was hungry and saying in the most God-awful, strange, high-pitched, squeaky voice, "I want to eat Whataburger. Whataburger, Whataburger, Whataburger." You probably have no idea what I am talking about without an audio recording or something like that, but I know Marisa does and it will make her smile and laugh when she reads this. You need to have these sorts of inside jokes with your spouse. I can just say "Whataburger" in my voice now and Marisa will instantly smile. *I also posted the picture of me trying to balance the giant chess piece on my head to show you that you can be goofy with your spouse in public, too. Marisa took that photo when we were in Galveston, TX, shortly after we had a pretty large trial hit our lives and shake our relationship. Our goofiness and happiness made that day the happiest day of both of our lives in a time when things were still settling down from the storm that blew through in our lives.
2. Learn your spouse's since of humor, and tailor your jokes to them. Yes, I know I just said that you shouldn't change your since of humor for your significant other. What I meant by that was more don't change your personality. If you are funny and your significant other is uptight, you can't really change to be more like the other. However, usually the biggest issue between spouses regarding humor is the type of humor they enjoy. For instance, I grew up with the very bad habit of sarcasm being one of my main humor tools. Some people think it's funny, others do not. Marisa really, really, really does not like sarcasm, especially sarcasm directed at her. I've grown to change and make my humor not directed at her whatsoever. Instead I focus my humor at other funny things, including funny things I do. She likes mocking me when I say "Oh" abruptly whenever I drop something. She also likes poking fun at how I've had a really bad track record with dropping food on myself while eating out. The average person would get irritated at humor being directed at them, but I've learned to tailor my humor to make her happy and make her laugh. Seeing her laugh makes me laugh and puts me on top of the world. I don't really even care if the humor is directed at me or not. If you can laugh at yourself, you're doing good!
3. Be spontaneous! Don't plan a joke waiting for the right time to use it. See an opportunity arise and use it. The best humor is the jokes and things that are spur-of-the-moment. After all, you won't tell a joke and forget a punch line if you are making it up on the spot. I think the best jokes I have ever told Marisa were based off of things that happened in the moment I told them. Take a random and funny selfie with your phone. Speak randomly in a foreign accent. Give your significant other a random peck. If variety is the spice of life, spontaneity is the seasoning.
4. BE YOURSELF! I capitalized this because I think it is the most important advice I could give anyone in general with relationships. If you are not genuine, sincere, and yourself, you are doing your significant other a disservice. Use your personality, humor, and style to win someone's affection and not a pseudo-persona. You'll be surprised to find that someone in the world enjoys your humor and style just as much as you do.

I hope these tips help! Happiness is key to the success of any marriage, and I believe goofiness is a principle ingredient in the recipe for happiness and a fulfilled life with your spouse.

I'll close with a final thought. Goofiness and humor IS NOT the key to a successful, happy marriage. Proverbs 14:13 speaks to this common misconception: "Even in laughter the heart may ache, and the end of joy may be grief." Humor can never be used as an alternative to addressing issues within the marriage. It must only be used to diffuse tough and serious situations, but not forget them entirely. Success in marriage is determined by a variety of things, such as maturity and selflessness. Humor, however, can help grown and deepen the love and the bond between you and your spouse and I encourage you to embrace laughter, joy, and goofiness as a daily habit in your life!

The Little Things

     I'd love to offer you some great piece of financial wisdom or some secret to a lasting relationship, but I can't.  I can't not because I am incapable of doing so, but because I seem to excel more at sharing my raw, unfiltered experiences and feelings.  If you haven't already noticed, Josh is the more practical one in the relationship, and I absolutely love him for it.  One of us has to keep the other grounded and that person tends to be Josh.
     Before I go any further, I must say that this post will probably be considerately shorter than the others that Josh and I have written.  In a way, the smallness of this post ties in perfectly with what I'm about to say.  I could always say so much more, but there are some things words cannot express.
     For as long as I can remember, I've had this one quote stuck to several of my Pinterest boards.  It's always been one of my favorite quotes.  It says, "Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you'll look back and realize they were big things."  It's simple enough and easy to grasp.  But how many of us can truly say that we live by this quote?  I know I don't, though I certainly try.  We can speed through our lives, never remembering to stop and enjoy every moment.  It's only after those precious moments have long passed that we realize just how precious they are to us.
     I had one of those precious moments just yesterday.  After Josh and I went to church, we took time to read various relationship books as well as quote some of our favorite Bible verses.  A while later, when we were working on our join blog post, John Legend's "All of Me" started playing in the background.  At that point, Josh stopped typing, and we both looked at each other.  No words were needed.  We didn't need to tell each other what we were feeling.  We already knew.  I'll never forget that moment.  It was so perfect and inexplicably beautiful.  As Josh began to softly sing the lyrics to me, I practically melted into his embrace, tears rolling down both of our faces.  And even through the tears, he kept softly singing into my ear.
     I don't say all of this to make you think that we're the most amazing couple ever and that it's all sunshine and rainbows for us because it's not.  In fact, we've often had to sing through the tears in our relationship (metaphorically speaking) just to make it through.  I've shared this story to remind you that little moments like this are what we should live for.  They're what we should remember and hold onto in even the darkest of times.  That moment that Josh and I shared will be one that I'll take with me to the grave.  It may seem inconsequential to some, but I was fortunate enough to recognize it's beauty as it happened.  I was able to cherish it and truly savor it before it became a part of the past.
     If there's one thing I want you to take away from this post, it's that time is fleeting.  We don't even know if we'll be here tomorrow.  Thus, it's all the more important to make the most of the time we have left and recognize the inherent value of the little things in life.
 

The "Gushy" Love Post You Knew Was Coming

     I chose the title of this post to forewarn you that I may get a little too lovey-dovey at times while talking about my relationship with Josh.  However, let me first start off by saying that I'm the girl that used to roll her eyes at couples who constantly posted pictures of themselves together and constantly talked about each other.  When I began dating Josh, I was no longer that girl.  I became the girl that was proud of her amazing boyfriend and wanted to incessantly talk about him.  However, as much as I love Josh, I'm still considerate of my friends and family and know not to irritate them by rambling on about how much I just love him.  I could talk all day and night about him, but I know better.

     That being said, I don't think it's healthy to hide your feelings for your significant other.  If I could shout to the world how much I love Josh, I would do it in a heartbeat.  This is probably why the following quote by John Lennon is so powerful to me:

"We live in a world where we have to hide to make love, while violence is practiced in broad daylight."

     I find it sad how talking about your love for someone often leads to criticism, particularly in the case of young adults like myself.  What's so wrong with being open about your feelings?  Why is it taboo for young people to honestly and tactfully express their love for their significant other?

     "Oh, that's just puppy love!" some say.
 
     "It won't last," others insist.

     Well with that defeatist attitude it probably won't.  Older adults can criticize all they want, but can they really insist that real, honest-to-God love doesn't exist for young couples?  Is that really fair?  They can poke fun at young lovers , but can anyone really say whether it will or won't last?  While it is true that there are older couples who are far mature than us, I would go so far as to say that Josh and I are more mature in our dating relationship than many couples are in their marriage.  Sadly, I've met plenty of married adults who, at times, can be just as immature as some of my college friends.

     I'll admit that Josh and I have been through things that could cripple the average marriage.  Yet, we've made it through and come out stronger.  We've come out stronger as individuals and stronger in our relationship.  In fact, in the nine months that we've dated, we've grown so much closer to each other and to Christ in just this last month.  If that's not powerful, enduring love, I don't know what is.  The various things we've gone through in the past may have been extremely painful and taxing on our relationship, but one thing has always remained constant: our devotion to one another.

     Had you talked to me several months ago, I would have told you that I love Josh and knew something was special about him.  Talk to me today, and you'll get a much different answer.  I'll not just tell you that I love Josh, I'll actually explain the reasons why.  And I'll keep explaining until you force me to stop.  That's one of the many differences between then and now.  I knew I loved Josh then, but I couldn't coherently explain why.  I'll never be able to fully explain the deep, unbreakable connection that we have, but today, I can explain why we fell in love and why I still love him with all of my heart.

     It is this unbreakable connection, this beautiful, powerful love that I have for Josh that makes me bold enough to say that he is the one for me.  He is and has always been the one for me.  I may not be able to say that as much as I'd like, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart.  In spite of all my mistakes and all my shortcomings, God has continually poured His grace and blessings upon me, one of those blessings being Josh.  Together, we are overcoming the trials of our youth and working towards a bright future.  We are working towards marriage and are excited for that sacred day.  Yes, we are young.  Yes, we have our whole lives ahead of us.  And yes, we have much to learn.  But we're preparing ourselves for whatever life throws at us.  We may just be "youngsters", but we know what we want, we're willing to work for it, and we're going to do it together.

From Josh and Marisa--Why Getting Married (Young) is a Good Thing

Just to clarify, this post is from Josh and Marisa.

It's probably not a mystery to anyone reading our posts that we think getting married young would be a good thing not just for ourselves, but our families, the church, and the community too. If you aren't biblically rooted (not that we are super-Christians or anything), you probably would disagree with us. Society tells young men and women that they ought to wait 10 or 15 years out of high school before they should even consider being married, yet culture and the media creates a hyper-sexualized atmosphere in which young people are supposed to live in the weird paradox of young, pre-martial sex being "ok" but young marriage being taboo.

Obviously getting married young is not for everyone. Marriage is about sacrifice and selflessness. However, the sacrifice in marriage doesn't have to be something that compromises your happiness. Eric Teetsel, executive director of The Manhattan Declaration, a Christian advocacy organization, writes in this article in Christian Post Magazine about how the church and society needs to reemphasize the importance of marriage amongst our youth, stressing that getting married young is a blessing, not a curse where a person resigns their liberty or joy.

"I think the church should do a better job of teaching the civic necessity of marriage, and how it is a sacrificial act, in many ways, but not in terms of sacrificing your own freedom or happiness, but giving yourself in order to contribute to the common good, in both your community and of the country."

Two of the most crucial ingredients in the success of any marriage, but especially young marriage, are maturity and selflessness. We'd actually argue that without maturity and selflessness, no marriage can survive or thrive. The reason why put selflessness after maturity is because without maturity, one cannot be selfless. 

The issue with society, especially American society, is that people honestly believe that marrying later in life is the correct thing to do. Another article in Christian Post interviews Ted Cunningham, the author of Young and in Love: Challenging the Unnecessary Delay of Marriage. Maturity in Cunningham's eyes is a necessity before getting married, but maturity can be acquired in youth.

"There's a certain level of maturity, life responsibility and one's walk with Jesus that should be considered when assessing someone's preparedness for marriage."

That's why maturity, in our opinion, comes before developing a selfless attitude. One needs to be mature in their walk in Christ and prepared for the storms of life before they can seriously say that they are selfless and willing to give themselves for the benefit of their wife, family, community, church, and nation.

Selflessness is a difficult trait to acquire, especially later in life after you are used to living your own way, apart from the desires and needs of a spouse and family. Cunningham perfectly summarizes one of society's main objections to the idea of young marriage: independence.

"Personally, I just believe that independence has become a socially acceptable term for selfishness," he said. "'You need more time to live for yourself' and that's not the Gospel. Our life in Christ is 'deny yourself.'"

Cunningham is spot on with his assessment of why this objection is unbiblical and, frankly, illogical. Cunningham is saddened by the modern movement of churches and families telling their children that they basically need to get through college, travel, get a job, and save money--or basically learn to be independent. In many ways, the concern of ensuring a person's ability to be independent is not unfounded. People are often concerned that if a young marriage fails the couple will not know how to survive independently. Society (including churches and families) lets fear dominate their demands for their children regarding marriage... "don't get married young, you need to learn to survive alone first."

While the concern of couples getting divorced is legitimate, teaching people they need to be independent and then telling them they need to get married and become co-dependent is, in our opinion, one of the reasons so many marriages fail. When people are taught to be independent, they learn what they like and dislike, what they want to do with their spare time, what they want their lives to look like, and how they want to achieve their goals. In short, people learn to only care for themselves when they are single and independent for extended period of time in their early adulthood. How are young couples supposed to survive the compromise and conflict-resolution that marriage (and life) requires if they are only taught to care for themselves?

People who only know how to live by themselves and are set in their ways are likely to be terrible spouses and doomed to a failed marriage. It takes weeks to break a bad habit. Imagine how long and hard it is to break what essentially becomes a personality characteristic--selfishness. In addition to living independetly, Teetsel and Cunningham both argue that being pure with our God-given urges in youth to have sex with our spouse in a society that says you are not ready to marry until you are in your late 20s or early 30s is virtually impossible, if not detrimental emotionally, physically, and spiritually. If men and women were designed by God to peak in their hormonal level and sexual desire in their late teens and early 20s, why would God not want them to marry until their late 20s? Living the single-life until society deems you are ready to marry is not only destructive by teaching people to live selfishly, but also damaging because men and women often unfortunately bring emotional baggage from the sexual sins of their past (multiple sexual partners, an addiction to pornography, etc.).

To an extent, the sexual urges God gives us (for the first time) in our youth is to allow us to survive the temptation of pre-martial sex in order to make the blessing of sex within marriage all the more awesome! However, we by no means believe God wants young people to remain abstinent for 10 or 15 years after those urges first arrive.

So basically we live in a culture that doesn't want young people to have sex before marriage, yet tells them that they need to wait, be independent, acquire sexual and emotional baggage, and be selfish before they should even think about getting married. Makes a lot of sense, huh? This may sound harsh, but it's the honest-to-God truth.

We want to now show you why we believe that we are ready for marriage in the near future. If you are a young couple interested in the idea of marriage and your thoughts line up with ours, odds are you may be too, despite what society says. The following lists are just three of the many things that Josh thinks would make Marisa ready for marriage and three things Marisa thinks would make Josh ready for marriage:

Marisa:

1. She focuses on trying to be completely selfless. Everything she does is for my benefit, her parents' benefit, or society's benefit. Just the other day she encouraged me to volunteer with her at a local homeless shelter on our anniversary. Even a day dedicated to us was used to benefit others! (See the photo on the right.) 
2. Marisa is rooted in the Bible, which will allow for our relationship to flourish correctly in the God-given way it should. We were both raised on the Bible and both fell away from God for a season at the start of college, but due to the trials we've had (God's wake up calls in life) we have grown deeper in our love for Him and for each other. It's a blessing have a woman of the Lord in my life, someone I can rely on for emotional help and support, and someone who will support and encourage me in everything I do! 
3. Marisa is mature beyond her years. We both know young marriage is a challenge, and she is willing to work with me to prepare for the journey. Marisa faithfully reads God's word and reads books on marriage and living according to God's plan. She knows there will be trials and storms ahead, and instead of doing the normal thing adolescents (and many adults do) which is to ignore that fact and just have fun, she actively desires to prepare herself for the journey ahead, which includes planning for both the roadblocks and the treasures that she'll encounter on the way. 

Josh:

1. He is the ultimate encourager. Even when I've been at my lowest point, he's built me back up with not only words of affirmation, but words of love. Many people tend to shy away from those facing hardships, fearing that they'll say or do the wrong thing.  Not Josh, though. He always seems to know exactly what to say.
2. He is a natural conflict resolver. There have been times in our relationship when we've had pretty heated arguments and times when I've unintentionally hurt him with my words. Yet, he has always been quick to diffuse the disagreement and irritation between us. He has always been quick to calm me down and work towards a solution. It's a quality that I'm working on for myself and one that any person would be blessed to find in their significant other. 
3. He never fails to be upfront and honest. Honesty has always been important to Josh. Ask him a question, and he'll answer you truthfully. Of the various things he has taught me in our relationship, one of the most important is honesty. He's taught me to be open and honest with not just him, but myself. If something's bugging me inside or outside of our relationship, he always encourages me to confide in him. This has been one of the saving graces of our relationship. The straightforward honesty between us is beautiful and has helped us make it through even the most difficult trials together.

If you are a young couple and you line up with these answers, odds are you are like us and probably wanting (and nearly ready) to marry your boyfriend or girlfriend. We are by no means a perfect example, but we do hope to show you that there is a very valid reason to wanting to get married early for both of us. In addition to our personal reasons, here is a list of a few of the benefits that we and many other Christian experts on dating and marriage believe young married couples can receive if they get married young:

• Growing up and growing old together: with a very minimal past, it's easier for younger couples to grow and thrive together. Anyone in a relationship brings baggage to the table. The question is how much baggage will there be? Will you have a backpack from just having some family problems, or will you have a trunk full of your past sexual and emotional transgressions? By marrying young, you develop a history together, something that you can cherish and use to build your relationship, not something that haunts you. 
• Not being selfish, but selfless:  as we mentioned earlier, marrying young means that individuals within a marriage are not well established in their own patterns of how they want to live out the details of their life (e.g. when they watch TV, where they go on vacation, et cetera). Obviously you want to be compatible with your spouse and share generally the same dreams and goals, but it is impossible to find someone who will match you 100% on every aspect of your likes and dislikes. Marrying young allows you to learn to be selfless and devote yourself to your spouse and family, conceding on aspects of your life that you may not have given up so easily in the future after living life on your own for many years.
• You are fighting for holiness: as this author puts it in his #2 reason to get married young, God has given us a better and meaningful plan to enjoy sex within the confines of a fruitful marriage. However, modern culture embraces sexual impurity, and unless you live under a rock, the temptations of sexual impurity may wind up being an extremely destructive force in your life. 
• The satisfaction of a spouse and family: again, that same author raises a valid point in his #5 reason to get married young. You can want to travel the world, be successful in your career, and live life the way you want to live it all you want, but in the end you'll just feel empty. God has called us to living a life of sacrifice, placing the needs of others before our own. If we are supposed to do this in every area of our lives, a good place to start would be to make sacrifices and serve the needs of our spouses and families. Marriage and raising kids is not a simple task, young or old, but the rewards of being faithful in your service and selflessness are beyond any gratifications that money, travel, or material success provide. 

Summary: The ways of the world have, unfortunately, dominated modern thinking in the church and the family about the idea of marriage. People believe young marriages are ignorant, naive, solely for sex, and doomed to failure. God has blessed us with marriage, and wants to use marriage to teach us how to live our lives. We are called to be selfless, dying to self for the benefit of others. It is easiest to learn this skill with the wife or husband of our youth--someone you love, cherish, and respect--and then apply to all other areas of our life. It is nearly impossible to do the inverse, where you learn to be selfish by living independently and then must break yourself of your ways for your spouse and family. 

God encourages men to "rejoice in the wife of their youth" (and I am sure he encourages wives to do the same with their husbands). We must refocus, individually and as a society, on not condemning young marriage, but encouraging it for those who are ready to fulfill God's plan for their lives. We want to leave you with the following scripture as something to reflect on, as it is a scripture that we both are excited to fulfill through marriage: 

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.