Don't Let the "Aphids" Destroy Your Relationship

As I was scrolling through the blog today, I realized that Josh and I never explained the meaning behind the title nor did we explain the role that it plays in our lives.  For starters, Showing Hearts was completely Josh's idea.  We like to read the Bible together, trade verses, or read relationship books together.  Yet, a blog wasn't something I had truly considered until he brought the idea to me.  And it was one of the best decisions we've made.  Now, as for the title, that was more my idea.  You would think that choosing a title for the blog would be the easiest part.  Not so!  After we threw around several titles, I finally came up with the perfect one.  At the time, I was listening to the song All of Me by John Legend.  Towards the end of the song he sings, "Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts.  Risking it all, though it's hard."  That's when it came to me.  Showing Hearts!  It was perfect, and Josh completely agreed.  As stated in the lyrics, both of our cards are on the table and they're showing hearts.  It's often hard to share the deepest part of yourself with someone else, let alone on a blog!  Yet, that's exactly what we're doing.  We're showing our hearts.  We're allowing ourselves to be open and vulnerable.  And we don't regret it.

As for the role that the blog plays in our lives, it has become an outlet for our innermost thoughts, a place where both Josh and I could share our "uncensored" thoughts on life, love, courtship, and marriage.  We've chosen not to promote the blog via our personal social media accounts because we'd prefer it to remain a relatively personal and private outlet through which we can express ourselves without potential scrutiny and criticism from our more negative, doubting friend group.  If, down the line, some of our friends and loved ones happen to stumble upon it, we hope it will be a blessing to them.

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Too often in life, there are people that criticize your every move and try to shove their negativity down your throat.  Maybe these people are your  siblings, your close friends, or even your parents or guardians.  It's like no matter what you do, you're wrong (in their eyes, at least).  You don't know anything.  Who are you to talk?  Why should I even listen to you?  You're too young.  You're just going to fail anyway.  They may not explicitly say these things, but believe me, they are implied.  I like to compare these people to a tiny but lethal bug known as an aphid.  For those of you who don't know, aphids are tiny insects that are the bane of every gardener's existence.  These creatures like to plant themselves (pun intended) on roses, honeysuckles, and any flowering foliage.  They latch onto the plants and don't let go until they have literally sucked the life out of said plant, leaving only deformed leaves and flowers in its wake.

I'm sorry to say that there are people in our lives who can act much like these treacherous aphids.  Whether consciously or subconsciously, these people cut you down, belittle your talents and abilities, and try to set you up for failure.  There are people that especially try to do this to your relationship or marriage.  It's destined to fail.  You'll never make it.  Just give up now.  Like I said, it's most often implied.  They (or you!) may not realize it, but much like the aphids, they're crippling you or your relationship.

If possible, it's best to either completely ignore their negativity or if that's too difficult, you may need to reconsider your relationship with these people.  That being said, I don't think it's always wise to try to cut these people out of your live.  Oftentimes, they don't even realize that what they are doing is hurtful and negative.  Instead of blowing up in their faces or trying to prove them wrong, it's best to trust in God's will and know that He has great things planned for you, regardless of the criticism you may face.  After all, is there anyone that knows more than God?  Is there anyone that can tell you what you can and can't accomplish or what your future will hold?  No one but the Almighty knows and what He places upon your heart is for you only.  

Personally, I know that I am guilty of acting or speaking negatively, quite often in fact!  At times, I inadvertently become the aphid, choosing to focus on harsh criticism and dwell in my discouragement.  When this happens, Josh repeatedly has to remind me to readjust my focus.  The same is true for others.  Sometimes we just have to remind them to readjust their own perspectives.

Though Josh and I have had problems and have faced our fair share of criticism, we've learned not to let it faze us.  We like to let the criticism challenge us and strengthen our resolve and commitment to each other.  While the "aphids" in our lives may threaten to destroy what we've worked for, we always remind ourselves to put God first and rely on Him as our primary source of strength.


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We hope that you've been enjoying our posts and will continue following us on our journey.  Thank you for each of the wonderful emails that you've sent us and for allowing us to be vulnerable and show our hearts without restraint.  Feel free to contact us at Showinghearts@gmail.com if you have any suggestions for future posts, if you'd like advice, or if you need prayer.  We look forward to hearing from you!
 






 

Marriage is like an Alliance of Two Castles

I've always been a nerd for Medieval history. Whenever I study this era in history I think about all the complex alliances and perilous battles that the people of Europe experienced, as well as the errible diseases that nearly wiped some cities off the map.

This is probably not the way you are expecting me to start a blog post about marriage and dating. Well, what if I could tell you that marriage and dating is in a way very similar to Medieval times?

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People are like castles. Through their own experiences, they build up their town (or personality) inside themselves. When people are with their friends, family, or partner, people tend to open the gates of their castle and allow these other people to come into their lives and shape their character. However, when people are hurt or defensive, people tend to shut the gates and keep people locked out of their life.

Marriage is the ultimate alliance of castles. It unites two people into one body. The castles' gates are open and their is free exchange of information and goods between each castle, allowing each castle to grow, thrive, and prosper. In a perfect marriage, people are extremely blessed through their sacrifice and teamwork with their mate. Yet, in many marriages people are so hurt by their mate, friends, family, or past experiences that they do not open their gates and they effectively shut their mate out of their life.

When we shut people out of our life and try to deal with bitterness and sorrow alone, we allow roots of bitterness to grow and infect our marriage and life, robbing us of our joy. Deep bitterness is like a plague that so commonly destroyed Medieval communities. Someone or something comes into the castle and brings an infectious disease with it. What can seem like something trivial at the time, like a harsh word, can spread like wildfire inside the soul of a person if they do not properly resolve their pain. Terrible experiences from childhood, negative actions by a mate, and other unresolved trauma can destroy a person from within.

With God and his word we can become freed of your anger! Ephesians 4:26 commands us to "not let the sun go down on our anger." Whatever hurt you are holding on to, you need to forgive and let it go. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength. Forgiveness enables us to heal and begin a life freed from the pain of the past. 

Many times when people are hurt and dealing with bitterness, they close the gates, shutting out their mate. All communication is cut off and the infected castle slowly dies from within. While the disease spreads, the neighboring ally has a doctor with the cure that they can send to the other castle if they knew the other castle. The ally wants to help its suffering neighbor, but they cannot do that if they never know there is a problem and if the other castle will not open their gates.

When two people are in the alliance of marriage, it is truly required that the couple be completely open with each other, sharing all pain and all joy together. The gates need to be open at all times and communication needs to always be clear and unhindered. Couples need to tell one another about their past. Couples need to tell each other about their transgressions. In short, couples need to be completely open and honest with one another. When the gates are not open, we try to deal with our problems on our own when, in reality, God has give you a partner--an ally--to encourage you through your joy and pain. It is your calling as a spouse to actively want to lay down your own life for the betterment of your spouse. 

I've been through a lot of pain from various experiences in my life, including things Marisa has done to me. Marisa has been through a great deal of pain as well in her past, and has at times shut me out of her life like the infected castle that has its gates closed. With time, Marisa and all people with their gates closed can be encouraged to open their gates to their mate if the following 2 characteristics are seen in their partner:

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1. The Ability and Desire to Listen: It's one thing to tell your partner that you care about them. It's another to have the ability to listen to their problems and troubles and empathize with them. Spouses must train themselves to listen like the way James encourages us: "Be quick to listen and slow to speak." Know that many times your opinion and advice is not wanted, simply your encouragement and understanding. If you want to give your mate advice, always remember that "a harsh word stirs up anger, but a gentle word turns away wrath." Never be harsh or tense with your spouse and NEVER assume that you really understand where they are coming from or what they experienced.

2. A Complete Place of Security: If your mate tells your something that is troubling them, it means they trust you. Do not turn around and use what they tell you as a dagger to stab them in the back. Open communication goes two ways and it is always assumed that if your mate tells you something troubling that it is confidential unless they give you permission to speak about the matter with other people. Mutual security in each other is the foundation of trust and honesty in a relationship.

The beauty in knowing that Marisa and my relationship is going to result in marriage, the ultimate commitment, is that our relationship allows me to practice patience, kindness, and gentleness with her. I've not always been perfect in this regard, in fact far from it! But I am learning through this commitment how to love and live just as Christ did. Every day we renew our commitment to keep our gates open and strengthen our alliance with one another in Christ!

I sincerely hope this post has blessed you and that you are learning something as Marisa and I blog about our journey together. We always look for feedback from our readers. If you have a response to one of our posts or you want to share your own story or advice with us, please comment below or email us at showinghearts@gmail.com. We love you and look forward to hearing from you!