Breaking the Chains of False Intimacy

Ask yourself the following questions before you begin reading this post:

• Do you feel like you can share anything with your partner?
• Do you feel like you completely understand the pain of the past?
• Do you trust you partner?
• Are you completely open and intimate with your partner?

If you answered no to any of the above questions, odds are you are pursuing false intimacy. Unlike genuine intimacy, false intimacy gives us the temporary satisfaction of feeling loved, accepted, powerful, or important, but eventually lets us down when reality sets in. Dr. Harry Schaumburg is one of the leading experts on sexual addictions and other behaviors that destroys relationships. Although Dr. Schaumburg's book, False Intimacy, deals primarily with the rooting and causes of sexually addictive behavior, the book also can be used to understand the pitfall and roots of people pursuing false intimacy in place of genuine intimacy. 

Designed primarily to help people overcome addictions to pornography, affairs, and other destructive behavior, Dr. Schaumburg also talks about the causes and roots of why some people resort to this destructive behavior to heal their past wounds and find some sense of intimacy. When people do not understand what intimacy is because of being abused as a child, having a poor parental relationship model, or any other event that would cause intimacy confusion, two responses are common according to Dr. Schaumburg: seeking false intimacy or withdrawing entirely from intimate relationships. 

This book was recommended to me because it can help readers truly understand the roots and perversions of false intimacy and helps readers grow to understand what true intimacy is. Schaumburg argues that most of us at one point or another are the perpetrator of false intimacy. We have all be hurt, disappointed, or confused at one point during our lives and it has led each and every one of us to seek intimacy in satisfaction in a sinful way. Schaumburg states that false intimacy doesn't simply include severe cases of addiction, like viewing pornography or having an affair, but also seemingly minor things, like compulsively fantasizing over romance novels or casually flirting with a coworker. 

To understand what false intimacy is, we need to define what real intimacy is according to God's plan. Real intimacy is what is portrayed in the Garden of Eden between Adam and Eve before the fall of man. The couple lived naked, unashamed, and completely one with one another. 

False intimacy is serpent that comes into our lives and tempts us with false comfort and satisfaction. False intimacy can be rooted in past relationships, pains, and hurts or those of the present. If we have experienced major disappointments or an inability to be intimate with our parents or our early childhood friends, Schaumburg argues that this can be detrimental to our development as an adult with the capacity to be truly intimate. 

I want to briefly share how false intimacy has impacted my life and my side of my relationship with Marisa. I want to put a disclaimer that my sharing of this information is out of humility and I apologize if it offends or saddens you in any way. From around the time my parents got divorced, I have struggled with poor self-esteem and never understood what true intimacy is. I never truly understood what it was because my parents got divorced when I was 12, and much of my early childhood memory of them isn't filled with marital intimacy.  Instead, it's filled with marital disharmony and fighting. I also felt very awkward around my early adolescence because I was a lot taller than my peers and I matured (with a lot of body hair, I might add) significantly faster than any of my peers. This resulted in me being called a 'freak' by a variety of my 'friends' and not being able to make and maintain friendships that I genuinely desired and needed. 

I also had feelings for many of my female classmates around middle school like many guys that age, but I was frequently rejected because of my awkward demeanor and often very gregarious personality. One instance that sticks out in my mind to this very day is when a very attractive classmate of mine whom I had a crush on asked me if I was gay because of my outgoing personality. Ever since this moment, I have had a lot of issues thinking that any woman would genuinely love me, and I've tried to fill the void with destructive attitudes and behavior because of my fear of rejection. 

Without any sort of model for what real intimacy was, I gave into the lies of false intimacy and still struggle to break free. Yet, my past is not an excuse for my continued behavior and sin. My continued negative attitudes and behavior has severely damaged my relationship with Marisa at times. I cannot even begin to imagine how much pain it has caused her. 

IF YOU READ ANYTHING IN THIS POST, READ THIS! The beauty of real intimacy is that although it's hard and it requires a great deal of humility, honesty, and openness, real intimacy embraces you, a sinner, for who you are and loves you even more! This... this has been my relationship with Marisa. We have both shared our struggles with one another and been very hurt at times by things that have occurred. However, we hurt for the other person, not for our own pain, grief, and confusion. Do we have pain from what the other person does? Sure... we are human, after all. Honesty, openness, and total safety are what makes real intimacy work and uplift both people involved! This intimacy was designed by God for parent/child mentoring and eventually husband/wife love. This perfect, real intimacy is modeled after God's desire for an intimate relationship with us! How blessed we are that God loves us and that he shows us how to be truly intimate and truly love!

I must put another disclaimer here: You need to be in a certain place to have real intimacy. You need to be in a place of humility, total love, total acceptance, and you need to completely understand your own problems and past. You need to set aside your own pain, disappointment, and confusion and come to the aid of your partner (or whomever you are intimate with). I have been tremendously blessed, well beyond what I deserve, because of the real intimacy Marisa and I are constantly perfecting. We have had our own issues in our past and we have failed each other. We still have problems embracing real intimacy because setting aside our own pains at times can be hard. However, real intimacy and real love has transformed our lives and makes us certain that we are destined to be together and that we are blessed by our amazing, forgiving, and ever-loving God!

Pray for me, an imperfect sinner, as I journey to break my addiction to false intimacy. I'm praying for you too and encourage you to remove the sources of false intimacy from your life!

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We are blessed to hear from so many of our readers! I encourage you to email us at showinghearts@gmail.com if you have any comments or questions! I also want to open our email to prayer requests for anyone struggling with anything, but especially relationship issues or the pitfalls of false intimacy. We love sharing our experiences with you and hope that you continue with us on our journey. God bless you!

Believe in Yourself and God: 4 Steps to Overcoming Self-Loathing and Depression

"I will never have a happy life."

"I am stuck where I am."

"Who would love a person like me?"

Do you ever say or think any of these statements about yourself? Odds are at times you do. In the heat of the moment after a tragedy or an argument, it is easy for even the most optimistic and joyful people to become deflated, self-loathe, and become depressed. While moderate depression is healthy due to circumstances that warrant sadness and grief, constant depression, self-loathing, and lack of self-confidence can rock a relationship or marriage to its very core. 

Self-loathing and a lack of self-confidence has been something that has tested and strengthened the bond of Marisa and my relationship several times. Due to our past experiences, mistakes, and regrets, we both have very valid reasons to become depressed, rationalizing our depression by saying statements like "I can never do ____" and "I will never ____." While depression in certain circumstances is healthy, excessive depression, self-loathing, and lack of self-confidence can be poisonous to a relationship. When depression spills over from the circumstances into the relationship and the future of the relationship, that's when couples are in big trouble. 

It is one thing entirely to be distressed or sad because of loss, betrayal, and other forms of pain. However, it is extremely unhealthy to have this depression grow and envelope the relationship. This type of negative self-attitude can choke out the drive and commitment to make a relationship work, as well as the love that's quick to follow. If you suffer from low self-image, low self-confidence, or excessive (clinical) depression, seek out help from professional counselors, self-help groups, your pastor, your family, and your friends to encourage you to help remove these poisonous roots from your life and your relationship. 

I am NOT saying that you need to be arrogant, proud, or be boastful in place of having depression or low self confidence. Humility is admirable in God's eyes, but self-loathing is destructive. If you want to save yourself and your relationship from the ramifications of self-loathing, I urge you to believe in yourself and in God! I know this is a lot easier said than done, but it truly has done miracles for me and Marisa in our relationship, and although we are still recovering from this destructive mentality, I have already seen countless benefits that believing in yourself and in God can have in relationships. 

What are the sources of depression in your life? Source

The following 4 steps can help you learn how to overcome depression. Marisa and I have used and continue to use these steps to help remove the foul roots of depression and self-loathing from our lives and our relationship.

1. Identify exactly what your type of depression is and what the source of the depression is. Several online resources, like this one, separate depression into various different categories, depending on the type of emotions and the emotions' impact on the person. Common forms of depression are: 

• Hopelessness, which is defined by people feeling trapped in misery and having no ability to overcome their circumstances. 
• Self-loathing, which is defined by people thinking they are terrible, evil, not good enough, unworthy of love, and unsuccessful. 
• Situational depression: which is characterized by brief or continued sadness and grief due to loss, betrayal, or other emotional trauma. 

Being able to identify the type of depression you have will help you seek the best form of treatment should you decide to seek counseling and professional help. Finding the source of your depression is also a major step in understanding why you feel and act the way you do. Some common sources of depression are the following, according to various sources are the following:

• Abuse: Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse can cause depressive episodes.
• Conflict: The inability to resolve issues within relationships can prove detrimental to one's emotional health.
• Death, loss, and major life events: From losing a family member, to losing a job and even getting married, major life-altering events can often cause depression, self-loathing, and feelings of low self-worth. We are creatures of habit and major changes can seem hard to deal with for many people. 
• Genetics, illness, and drugs: There are genetic, medical, and pathological factors that can cause people to experience major depressive episodes. Odds are if your depression seems completely irrational and unfounded, it may fall into this category. 

While these are just some general causes of depression, it is critical that you carefully examine your past and present experiences and determine exactly what is causing your depression. This can help you and your counselor better understand your depression. 

   2. Readust your focus from negative things and the sources of depression to the many blessings you have in your life instead. Speak life-giving words over yourself and your circumstances. Whenever we feel depressed, it is easy to speak negative words over our life.  God tells us that we have the power and life in death in our words! We need to speak life! If you are feeling overwhelmed by your circumstances, do not speak negative words about yourself or your life. You must not condemn or self-loathe. Instead, practice saying the following statements: 

• I am an overcomer!
• I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
• God has amazing plans for my life and he knows the plans. They will make me prosper and have abundant life!
• I am blessed by my family/husband/wife/children/friends/coworkers.
• I am blessed with good health.
• I am blessed with the grace of God.
• I am blessed to be alive and able to rejoice in you.
• I am blessed to know that my circumstances do not define me nor my future.
• Praise be to God for ___________.

You need to get your mind focused on the good in life and the hope that God gives us! The next step will help you with this.

  3. Praise, Pray, Ponder. Every day make it a goal to praise God for how good He is to you and to all of us. Praise him in the sunshine and praise him in the rain. God is good all the time! Also make it a commitment to pray and develop your relationship with God. Pray to God about your life, your circumstances, your enemies, and your joys. Prayer is not a request, but a conversation. Take this time to develop a deep love for God, the healer of all afflictions, including depression. And finally, ponder. Use the energy that you would normally use being consumed by depression, self-loathing, or low self-image to fill your mind with the good news that is the gospel of Christ! God came to heal, redeem, and renew all of us for good. Grow through reading and becoming powerful in the word of God and take away the power that your circumstances and depression once had in your life.

   4. Seek counsel. I wanted to reemphasize this point as the final step. You may not want to go to professional counseling because of cost, but if you have the ability to do so I highly encourage you to find a Christian counselor in your area who specializes in the treatment of depression. You may also want to bring your pastor, friends, and family into your support group on this journey from depression, self-loathing, and self-hate to the promise land of humility, joy, fulfillment, acceptance, love, and peace!

With God, anything is possible... including
overcoming depression! Source

The benefits of following these steps can clearly benefits your personal life, but from our blog's perspective, the ability to overcome your depression can drastically benefit your relationship too. Like I said earlier, self-loathing and depression has been the source of many problems within Marisa and my relationship. However, by following these steps when our relationship has experienced tension due to depression, we have emerged more whole, happy, fulfilled, and in love. When you are able to overcome your depression with your partner, you experience an immense joy from having the burden of your past and your depression lifted from your shoulders and replaced with the joy of unconditional love, acceptance, and support! Marisa and I have been incredibly blessed to help each other along in this process and constantly help remind each other of our worth, ability, and the amazing love and future God has for us. Like any other conflict, overcoming depression and the pains of the past can help bring a couple closer together, drawing them together in the love and encouragement that God himself gives to us! 

Marisa and I are on this journey with those of you who have had depression impact your relationship. At times we are both very discouraged because of our past, our emotions, and the weight of our depression. We both encourage each other, follow these steps, and continue to grow healthier in our self-image as we free ourselves from the shackles of depression. I encourage you to start a new commitment today to believe in yourself and in God! You and your relationship will be tremendously blessed by overcoming depression with God's help. 

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Marisa and I have loved talking with those of you that have emailed us about your testimony, questions, and experiences. We encourage you to write us at showinghearts@gmail.com with your questions, comments, or concerns. We also welcome prayer requests, especially as we encourage you to join us on this journey to overcoming depression. We love uniting with you and being able to share our experiences and grow as we continue to learn more about dating, courtship, marriage, and life! 

God bless you and I hope you have an amazing week!

--Josh 

It's Never Too Late to Apologize!

There's a song by Timbaland titled "Apologize." While I think this song is beautiful in its own way, I don't agree with the lyrics of the refrain that say, "It's too late to apologize." Relationships are built on trust, honesty, and how we respond to mistakes. It's never too late to apologize and apologizing brings about the possibility of not merely forgiveness for wrongdoing, but repair for the relationship.

The truth is if you want to repair a relationship, It is NEVER too late to apologize!

While our blog is focused on dating, courtship, and marriage, apologies are important every single relationship we have with another person. There will be times where we do wrong and we must apologize to bring about restitution for our error. Similarly, there will be times where we are wronged and we want an apology. Humankind has an amazing capacity to forgive, and forgiveness can bring about the restoration of relationships in place of punishment and justice!

Marisa and I have been reading from many books this past week, including The Five Languages of Apology by Dr. Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas. Dr. Chapman's book talks about the differences in how people view and give genuine apologies and breaks the types of apologies into 5 main categories (to be discussed in a later post). Dr. Chapman writes powerfully in his book that "while justice may bring about some sense of satisfaction to the offended person, justice does not typically restore relationships." How right Dr. Chapman is! With your spouse, your significant other, your family member, and even your coworkers, the inclination of most people is to forgive instead of hold a grudge. However, often times people do not apologize which makes forgiveness extremely difficult for the offended person.

Many people think apologizing is a form of weakness. It is the dead opposite! Apologizing is a sign of strength, humility, and maturity. It takes a strong person to admit that they are wrong and give the power of restoring the relationship over to the offended person who chooses whether or not they want to forgive the offender. Forgiveness is also often seen as an act of the weak, but in reality, it takes a lot of strength to muster the courage to forgive someone and work to repair the relationship. 

Now I want to talk for a moment about two major misconceptions people have about apologies and forgiveness:

First, I've noticed is a lot of people think that apologizing or the ability to forgive someone have expiration dates. You may have harmed your spouse ten years ago by forgetting your fifth anniversary, or you may have hurt your child by being demeaning at times instead of encouraging. The pain people bear from being hurt can last a lifetime. I know this from personal experience, as I am still trying to forgive people who have not apologized to me for things they did or said that hurt me over a decade ago. If we hold onto pain for such a long time from the things of the past, there cannot ever be an expiration date on apologies or forgiveness because there is still a valid reason to apologize and forgive.  It's never too late to apologize or forgive. 

Second, many people seem to believe that apologizing or forgiveness are one time things. You say "I am sorry" or "I forgive you" and that's it. This isn't the case at all. An apology and forgiveness aren't the one and only step needed to restore relationship. An apology is the first step for an offender of repentance; the offender sees what they are doing is detrimental to their relationship and themselves and they apologize, making the commitment to strive to become a better person. When you apologize for something, odds are you may fail by doing the same thing. Thus, apologizing is a process because it recognizes the need for a continual commitment towards change. Similarly, forgiveness is the first step for an offended person to begin to restore the relationship. Forgiveness is a commitment to remove the debt owed because of the offense and to begin the journey in trusting, loving, and accepting the offender, no matter how egregious their sin. 

In future posts, I hope to discuss the 5 different languages of apology, how to genuinely apologize, and how apologies and forgiveness can change your life.

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Have you ever felt like you cannot forgive your spouse, friend, or family member because they will not apologize? Do you have problems communicating your genuine and sincere apology to your loved one or coworker? We would love to hear your stories and help you along in your journey to attaining the ability to effectively apologize and forgive. You can reach Marisa or me any time with questions, comments, testimonies, or concerns at showinghearts@gmail.com.

I hope you have a blessed weekend!

"Chunking" your Commitment!

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. --Lao Tzu--

Marriage is a journey that has a definite destination. The goal of marriage is to bring couples fulfillment by learning to love and live together like how Christ loves the church. The ultimate destination of marriage is reaching a place where both spouses are Christ-like servants to first and foremost one another and then to those around them, including their families, friends, and co-workers.

Like any journey, marriages have twists and unforeseen obstacles that make reaching our goal of a "perfect" and Christ-filled marriage difficult. Pains from the past, unforeseen loss, and financial burdens are just some of the circumstances that can cause people to quit this journey because they lose sight on their destination and are too weighed down by hurt and fear. People have preconceived notions that marriage should be easy and always "perfect" and romantic. When negative events shake our lives, we lose footing on this false preconception.

At times, a "perfect" marriage may seem impossible to achieve. That's because it is.

Marriage is a process--a journey--and like any journey, the only way to take it is one step at a time. It can be very overwhelming if you and your spouse make a commitment to have a "perfect" marriage that we know already does not exist in the romanticized way we think it does. We know our ultimate goal is to near perfection, but we may not know how to get there.

I love this quote and image! Source

Marisa's post yesterday on how to overcome addictions and baggage got me thinking about how we approach goals in general in our lives. The way many addicts (and people with other goals) approach their ultimate goal of being freed from their addiction, whatever it may be, is by saying "NO" to temptation one day at a time. To a sex addict, an alcoholic, or a chronic smoker, saying "NO" for a lifetime is extremely overwhelming, and the consequences for failure seem far more steep. Addicts who try to cold-turkey their addiction and don't make each day a step in their recovery but instead try to make their whole life a promise of freedom will binge on their addiction the minute they fail. Instead, if we fail on saying "NO" to an addiction for a day, we only have failed that day, not our entire lives (past or future). Addicts who use each day as a "step" will not binge if they slip.

People are overburdened by the notion that their entire marriage and family life has to be perfect. It never will be perfect, so if you believe your entire marriage ought to be perfect, you need to remove that false idea right now from your mind. Your marriage can (and will) be near perfect if you put in the work that the journey requires and, like addiction recovery, use each day as a step to reach your goal of a marriage that is in the perfect image of God's love. God is perfect and God is love. The reason why God's sacrament, marriage is imperfect is because people are imperfect, not God or marriage!

If the idea of having a near-perfect or perfect marriage seems overwhelming, "chunk" your commitment! 

Use each and every day in your marriage as a step in your journey to complete marital fulfillment. Commit to having the best marriage you can have today! I'm asking for 24 hours (more like 16 if you sleep 8 like me). Use each and every waking hour to tell your partner how much you love them, to show them what it means to love like Christ loves us, and to make sure your partner's every need is met. That's all I want. You'll find that after making the commitment to have the best marriage you can have today, tomorrow you can do the same thing. And the next day, and so on! Your life and marriage will become so amazingly blessed by chunking your ultimate goal into something far more manageable!

Lao Tzu was absolutely right in saying the longest journey starts with one step! Are you willing to take the first step and commit to make your marriage the most Christ-like it can be today?

Marisa and I sincerely hope that our posts and advice blesses you. We are by no means experts on marriage, dating, courtship, or Christian living, but we are trying to learn and grow! We always welcome comments, advice, questions, and testimonies on our blog by commenting below or you can reach us at showinghearts@gmail.com.

God bless you and I look forward to seeing what "chunking" your commitment can do for you and your marriage!

When Life Get's Unclear, Readjust Your Focus

Life is like a camera; how we react to things depends a lot on our perspective and our focus. The success of any relationship depends on the same principles that define photography.

I've been an amateur photographer since my sophomore year in high school when I took my first photography class. In photography, I learned a lot about color, texture, value, composition, and lighting. However, two of the most important things that makes any picture "great" are perspective and focus.

A lot of people with cameras take photos at around eye-level, pointing more or less directly straight forward. Tied with the increasing fad of "selfies," only photographing things at eye level will create a boring and homogenous photography portfolio. The same goes for life and especially relationships.

If you only approach your relationship with one perspective, you only understand where you are coming from. There are times in relationships that require us to change our perspective. Changing your perspective can mean sympathizing with your partner during a dispute or it can mean realizing that when you are wronged by your partner your situation could be significantly worse. Changing our perspective allows us to better understand our partner, our goals for a relationship, and ourselves. If you change your perspective often, you may find that you need to make some serious adjustments to yourself, your decisions, and your character for the betterment of yourself, your partner, and your relationship.

Refocusing allows us to gain greater understanding! Source

The other thing that makes a photograph amazing is clear or unique focus. I cannot tell you how many pictures my teacher vetoed for my portfolio because they were "too blurry" or "incorrectly focused." A lot of people in life go around with an incorrect focus. People, including myself, tend to focus so much on the negative aspect of their mate and their lives. We can grumble and complain about our mate's tics, their inability to communicate, their bad sense of humor, or their inability to listen.

Challenge yourself everyday to readjust your focus! You need to do this especially if you feel wronged or victimized by the person you love. Philippians 4:8 is some of the greatest advice to live by when you are experiencing frustration, disappointment, or anger because of your relationship:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

I am sure you can find at least one good thing in your partner when you are mad at them, and once you do that you can find a dozen, two dozen, or even more things you admire in them. You need to ALWAYS focus on the good in your partner. Whenever we become bogged down by the bad things that our partners have done, it is so easy to get overwhelmed and want to end the relationship or seek commitment elsewhere. Below are some questions you can ask yourself to get yourself thinking about the good things your partner has done in your life:

1. What do you admire most about your partner?
2. What is your favorite thing about your partner's appearance? 
3. What is your favorite thing about your partner's character? 
4. What are some favorite memories you have shared together?
5. What does your partner do for you to make you feel loved, comforted, or secured?

When you ask yourself the above questions, you will be certain to always find positive things about your partner to dwell on during times of turmoil. Life and relationships can be tumultuous. We must keep our eyes on the prize of an amazing relationship and life with God or we will sink. Above all else, it is critical that if you are not where you need to be with God that you readjust your focus on Him. With God, all things are possible, including overcoming your relationship's problems. 

A final note: 

One other thing I learned about photography is that it doesn't matter what type of camera you have, it's the photographer, not the camera, that makes a photo great. You can have a $50 point and shoot, or a $3,000 Nikon DLSR with fancy lenses. If you don't know how to use your camera, you won't take a good picture, plain as that.

People often think that you need lots of money, job security, or an older age (like 30) to be "qualified" to marry. That's complete garbage. It doesn't matter if you are rich or poor, have a job or don't have a job, and young or old. You either have good preparation, the skills to do marriage, and commitment or you don't. Just like how the uneducated photographer will take terrible pictures with the fancy camera, people who are rich, have job security, and are older DO NOT necessarily have what it takes to make a  marriage work. However, the people who are trained, read marriage resources, go to premarital counseling, study the word of God, and understand that marriage requires constant work and dedication can have the most successful marriage around, even if they are not rich, do not have a job right now, or are young. When it comes to getting married, it's the couple, not their circumstances, that will define their relationship's success. 

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How can you refocus and change your perspective in your relationship? What are some of the things you value about your partner that help you always focus on the good? We love to hear your story! Feel free to comment below or email us at showinghearts@gmail.com.

God bless you!

Forgiveness: Christ Commands us to to not Cast our 'Stones' at our Sinning Mate

Disappointment is inevitable in marriage and in life. One way or another, people will let you down. The severity of disappointment often varies by offense. Your spouse can let you down by mocking you and being a bad communicator, or they can disappoint you by committing infidelity which msn.com lists as the #3 reason couples get divorced. No matter how disappointed you are by your spouse, if you want to continue your relationship and live according to Christ's plan, it is critical to be in a place where you can forgive them and work towards restitution.

I think most married people would agree that one of the greatest offenses their spouse could commit (and the hardest to forgive) is infidelity. For people already struggling with insecurity or feelings of low self worth, the blow from infidelity can be almost unbearable. However, whether it be infidelity or any other offense, the hardest thing to rebuild after committing a serious sin against your spouse is trust.

Rebuilding trust and moving forward from any offense requires the commitment of both spouses. It requires the offending spouse to realize what they did was wrong and that they have the desire to repent and change from their ways. For the offended spouse, it is key to learn to forgive and work forward like Christ commands.

Whenever I've been hurt by Marisa in the past, I always tried focus on the lesson learned through Christ's forgiveness of the woman caught in the act of adultery in John 8. In the time of the Pharisees, the "law of Moses commanded [the people] to stone" women caught in the act of adultery (John 8:5). The punishment for this act wasn't just a separation from her husband (like it is so often today), but her brutal execution by her neighbors.

Christ forgave the woman caught in the
act of adultery! He encourages us to forgive
one another an give grace freely. Source

The people in this story were preparing to stone the woman for her sin, fulfilling the punishment that the law commanded. Sometimes we use our own stones from our hurt and pain to "stone" our mate. Even if you do not terminate the relationship, your words and actions can sometimes result in the spiritual death of your mate, causing your mate to be suffocated by so much grief and guilt for what they did.

Instead of stoning our spouse, we need to drop the stone and come to their aid, no matter how hard it seems. Christ protected this adulterous woman, proclaiming to the crowd "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her," (John 8:5). The crowd left from the oldest to the youngest, realizing that nobody was without sin and that nobody deserved to stone her for what she did.

You have NO right to "stone" your spouse for what they did to you, no matter how bad you are hurt. If you want to work forward from whatever transgression occurred, you must embrace the forgiveness of Christ and extend it to your spouse, realizing that the forgiveness and grace you are giving to your spouse is the very same forgiveness and grace Christ has given all of us.

Forgiving your spouse and working towards restitution are two different things. Forgiveness only involves yourself... it is your choice and it helps you! Working towards restitution means that your spouse is actively interested in forsaking their past sin and moving forward. Christ told the woman that he "does not condemn her," but also "to go and sin no more."

The blessing of grace is the gift of a another chance. Christ has given us a second chance. Lay your hurt at the foot of the cross, pray, and extend the love of God to your sinning spouse in the same way Christ forgave the adulterous woman... the same way he forgives us and gives us grace.

I was inspired to write today's post when I flipped open my copy of The First Five Years of Marriage  to a chapter entitled "How Can I get my Spouse to Forgive Me?" The answer to this question is that you really cannot force your spouse to forgive you, but encourage them to forgive. One couple that experienced the pain of infidelity told the author of this chapter that the following scripture was central to their recovery from the affair:

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice: And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:31-32). 

Forgiveness is a process, and it takes time. This author from Focus on the Family gives us 4 points to remember when going through the process of forgiving our spouse (or anyone, for that matter):

1. Recognize that forgiveness is a process
2. Realize that fear can be a barrier to forgiveness
3. Seek outside guidance (e.g. a counselor)
4. Be honest with yourself 

Forgiveness and restitution can be the most rewarding experiences in growing your relationship as a couple and growing your relationship with Christ. Marisa and I have both hurt and disappointed one another multiple times. However, by following Christ's commandment to forgive, Marisa and I have deepened our love greatly for each other and nurtured our relationship with Christ. By extending Christ's forgiveness and grace to your spouse, you can truly learn what it means and how awesome it is that we are forgiven and unconditionally loved by God! 

Have you been hurt by something your spouse has done? Have you overcame disappointment through forgiveness and grace? As always, Marisa and I love to hear what you have been through in your relationship and walk with Christ! We encourage you to comment on our posts or email us at showing hearts@gmail.com with your testimony, questions, and points of discussion.

God bless you, and I hope you have an amazing weekend!

Great Expectations: How the Past and Childhood Influence Our Thoughts Toward Marriage

Expectations drive our lives and our decisions. Everyday during the week I am expected to get to my internship at 8 am. I expect there to be traffic on my commute to work. I expect to be very tired when I return from work. Many of us even have expectations for some of the most minor things in our lives, like what we are going to eat for dinner.

Expectations are important because they influence our decisions and our reactions toward expected and unexpected events. If something happens according to our expectations, we are satisfied. However, if things don't work out as planned, sometimes we can become extremely disgruntled, angry, frustrated, or sad. Since expectations have such a large influence on our lives and decisions, the primary focuses of premarital counseling are the expectations each partner has about marriage and married life.

People normally have various expectations about what their marriage will be like. If you ask most unmarried men, many will tell you that they expect to have frequent sex with their wife when they are married. Some women may have the expectation that their husband will be the primary bread-winner for the family.

Are expectations an unneeded weight our your
relationships's shoulders? Source

Expectations can also be influenced from our past and our childhood. For the children of divorced parents, like myself, there is the expectation that their marriage will be better and communication in their marriage will be better than their parents' marriage. (If not, we'd all remain single.) By the same token, children of parents with a near perfect marriage may expect to have a fairytale marriage with minimal problems. For children of controlling parents, they may assume their spouse will be controlling, impacting their intimacy and communication with their spouse.

Since I am potentially interested in doing Marriage and Family Counseling as a career (and since I want to have a good marriage), I've been reading a book released by Focus on the Family titled The First Five Years of Marriage -- Launching a Lifelong, Successful Relationship. This book has some of the most valuable and understandable advice on common marriage issues and it's a must read for all couples looking to marry or newly married. The First Five Years of Marriage has a chapter called "Why Isn't Marriage the Way I Thought it Would Be?" Sadly, this is a question many couples outside of the honeymoon stage are asking because marriage is not the fairytale the media portrays it to be.

This chapter in the book raises the point that many times the expectations couples have about their marriage are focused on what "their marriage will be like, not what they want their marriage to be like." If we embrace the belief that we want our marriage to be a certain way, that implies that we must work to make it that way. Things do not magically fall into place and you can be guaranteed that your marriage will have problems. The author of this chapter warns us that our expectations "might be slightly off target, but they could be early warning signs about issues that will cause more trouble if you don't resolve them."

So how do we adjust our expectations from what our marriage will be like to what we want our marriage to be like? There are two steps:

1. Recognize that marriage is a call to selflessly serving your spouse.
2. Read and follow God's word for what He wants your marriage to be like.

Marriage is not easy and it takes this servant attitude and a desire to follow God's word to make it truly successful. Through reading and meditation on God's word, we can grow to truly understand God's call to us in marriage to live more like Christ. A successful marriage is learned, not inherited. We must learn to listen, encourage, serve, and unconditionally love our mate. 

I am by no means perfect or all-knowing when it comes to marriage advice, and Marisa and I are not married yet. We are, however, trying to grow together and we invite you to join in our journey. If you have had a successful marriage in Christ and want to share your testimony and wisdom with us, we would love to hear from you. Also, if you have questions or want either of us to address a specific topic about marriage, young marriage, courtship, or any Christian dating topic, we also would love to honor your requests. Please email us any time at showinghearts@blogspot.com. 

God bless you!

Marriage is like an Alliance of Two Castles

I've always been a nerd for Medieval history. Whenever I study this era in history I think about all the complex alliances and perilous battles that the people of Europe experienced, as well as the errible diseases that nearly wiped some cities off the map.

This is probably not the way you are expecting me to start a blog post about marriage and dating. Well, what if I could tell you that marriage and dating is in a way very similar to Medieval times?

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People are like castles. Through their own experiences, they build up their town (or personality) inside themselves. When people are with their friends, family, or partner, people tend to open the gates of their castle and allow these other people to come into their lives and shape their character. However, when people are hurt or defensive, people tend to shut the gates and keep people locked out of their life.

Marriage is the ultimate alliance of castles. It unites two people into one body. The castles' gates are open and their is free exchange of information and goods between each castle, allowing each castle to grow, thrive, and prosper. In a perfect marriage, people are extremely blessed through their sacrifice and teamwork with their mate. Yet, in many marriages people are so hurt by their mate, friends, family, or past experiences that they do not open their gates and they effectively shut their mate out of their life.

When we shut people out of our life and try to deal with bitterness and sorrow alone, we allow roots of bitterness to grow and infect our marriage and life, robbing us of our joy. Deep bitterness is like a plague that so commonly destroyed Medieval communities. Someone or something comes into the castle and brings an infectious disease with it. What can seem like something trivial at the time, like a harsh word, can spread like wildfire inside the soul of a person if they do not properly resolve their pain. Terrible experiences from childhood, negative actions by a mate, and other unresolved trauma can destroy a person from within.

With God and his word we can become freed of your anger! Ephesians 4:26 commands us to "not let the sun go down on our anger." Whatever hurt you are holding on to, you need to forgive and let it go. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength. Forgiveness enables us to heal and begin a life freed from the pain of the past. 

Many times when people are hurt and dealing with bitterness, they close the gates, shutting out their mate. All communication is cut off and the infected castle slowly dies from within. While the disease spreads, the neighboring ally has a doctor with the cure that they can send to the other castle if they knew the other castle. The ally wants to help its suffering neighbor, but they cannot do that if they never know there is a problem and if the other castle will not open their gates.

When two people are in the alliance of marriage, it is truly required that the couple be completely open with each other, sharing all pain and all joy together. The gates need to be open at all times and communication needs to always be clear and unhindered. Couples need to tell one another about their past. Couples need to tell each other about their transgressions. In short, couples need to be completely open and honest with one another. When the gates are not open, we try to deal with our problems on our own when, in reality, God has give you a partner--an ally--to encourage you through your joy and pain. It is your calling as a spouse to actively want to lay down your own life for the betterment of your spouse. 

I've been through a lot of pain from various experiences in my life, including things Marisa has done to me. Marisa has been through a great deal of pain as well in her past, and has at times shut me out of her life like the infected castle that has its gates closed. With time, Marisa and all people with their gates closed can be encouraged to open their gates to their mate if the following 2 characteristics are seen in their partner:

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1. The Ability and Desire to Listen: It's one thing to tell your partner that you care about them. It's another to have the ability to listen to their problems and troubles and empathize with them. Spouses must train themselves to listen like the way James encourages us: "Be quick to listen and slow to speak." Know that many times your opinion and advice is not wanted, simply your encouragement and understanding. If you want to give your mate advice, always remember that "a harsh word stirs up anger, but a gentle word turns away wrath." Never be harsh or tense with your spouse and NEVER assume that you really understand where they are coming from or what they experienced.

2. A Complete Place of Security: If your mate tells your something that is troubling them, it means they trust you. Do not turn around and use what they tell you as a dagger to stab them in the back. Open communication goes two ways and it is always assumed that if your mate tells you something troubling that it is confidential unless they give you permission to speak about the matter with other people. Mutual security in each other is the foundation of trust and honesty in a relationship.

The beauty in knowing that Marisa and my relationship is going to result in marriage, the ultimate commitment, is that our relationship allows me to practice patience, kindness, and gentleness with her. I've not always been perfect in this regard, in fact far from it! But I am learning through this commitment how to love and live just as Christ did. Every day we renew our commitment to keep our gates open and strengthen our alliance with one another in Christ!

I sincerely hope this post has blessed you and that you are learning something as Marisa and I blog about our journey together. We always look for feedback from our readers. If you have a response to one of our posts or you want to share your own story or advice with us, please comment below or email us at showinghearts@gmail.com. We love you and look forward to hearing from you!

Technology Timeout

People are glued to their phones and technology. One poll shows that 47% of Americans believe that they could not go one day without their smartphone. With a lot of business and communication occurring through our smartphones and computers, technology is certainly critical to modern life. However, one question I think everyone needs to ask is how much should technology and social media play a role in your relationship with your spouse or significant other? 

Marisa knows my biggest pet peeve: using her phone to text other people or check Facebook when we are on a date. Since we do not live together and are not married, our official dates together are very special and important to both of us. While I do not mind if she checks her phone if someone texts her once and I am not bothered if she checks social media during a transition in the date (e.g. me driving us somewhere), I get very irritated when she (or anyone else in a relationship, for that matter) checks their technology during a date. 

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I definitely check my technology during dates too, but I try to keep it to a bare minimum. My personal belief is when you are on a date with someone, they deserve your undivided attention. You should not be talking to anyone else through texting or social media unless it is an absolute emergency. Whenever I go out and observe couples, it never fails that I often see two people glued to their technology while out on a date and, thus, they not glued to each other! 

My Aunt Lyda who is a psychologist in California has something she calls "techno-ten" during dinner time. Whenever I and my family are on vacation at Lyda's home, she always declares a techno-ten before dinner time and takes all of our technology and places it into a bowl where we cannot access it for any reason. After dinner, which usually lasts a little more than ten minutes (hence techno-ten), everyone is able to get their technology back. However, we often find ourselves really engaged with one another and instead of going back to our technology we want to spend more time together after dinner by playing a board game or simply chatting. 

When you put your technology down for just a short period of time during a date, you may be surprised to find out how much you and your spouse or significant other have to talk about! We live in a world where everything has to be interconnected. We want to use social media and our phones to be with multiple people at once. How about embracing the good old fashioned tradition of being solely with the person you are spending time with at that very moment? 

I encourage you to embrace the idea of a "Technology Timeout." Like Marisa and me, you and your spouse or significant other can make this a daily commitment where you can spend time together free from other social connections, or you can embrace this as a policy for dates. For me, I personally find that whenever I am with Marisa I do not want to check Facebook, Instagram, twitter, and texts at all. Marisa is a gem to me, so why would I compromise the time I have with her to spend time in a virtual relationship with other friends at that moment? 

You can't be in two places at once. You can either be glued to your spouse or glued to your technology. Do you want to be with your spouse and spend time devoted to them, or are your commitments to your social media network and contacts more important to you? 

Compromise Resolves Controversy

"Compromise works well in this world when you have shared goals."

--.Jim DeMint--

Although Senator Jim DeMint is a American politician, which we all know are bad at compromising, Senator DeMint's statement on compromise should be the mission statement of every marriage. You and your spouse are a team: you need to compromise! When you get married to someone, you are joined in the common cause of you both having a rich and blessed life together. If you get married under the impression that the other person will make all of your dreams possible and will live to make each and every single one of your desires come true, well... you are setting yourself up for a gigantic failure and disappointment. You can, however, know that you and your spouse are committed to solving problems and working through life's issues together for the benefit of the both of you. 

Conflict is human nature. It's how a married couple resolves conflict that is divine. If done correctly, solving conflict in marriage is something that can bring you and your spouse great satisfaction and intense feelings of love. What can possibly be more exciting than solving a daunting challenge with the love of your life? Absolutely nothing!

The issue with conflict resolution in marriage is that people are often too set in their ways. and opinions "It's my way or the highway," as the old saying goes. You may have your perfect image of what your spouse should be like, where you should live, what you are going to do with your life, what your house will be like, who you are going to visit during the holidays, and who is going to do the dirty laundry. Throw out your preconceived notions of what your life and your marriage will be like right now and know that only two things in your relationship are certain: God's love for you and your commitment as a couple. 

Dr. Gary Chapman's book on conflict resolution, Everybody Wins, is one of my favorite books to read and one of the books I recommend every couple reads. The knowledge in this tiny book is immense and easy to understand. If you can apply the information in this book like Marisa and I strive to do every day, you can find that your conflicts bring as much joy as your agreements because you know that you can conquer the conflict with your partner. 

Dr. Chapman's book talks about one couple who had a serious conflict in their marriage over what color to paint the bathroom of their new home, a conflict that brought the couple to Dr. Chapman because they were both angered by the disagreement and considering ending their marriage. Through Dr. Chapman's strategies on listening and compromise, the pair agreed to a unique compromise: they would paint one wall of the bathroom the color the wife wanted and the other wall the color the husband wanted. The couple was ecstatic about their solution and was thrilled to tell friends and visitors the story of their great compromise when asked about their unique bathroom design. 

Conflicts can be major, like choosing what city to live in after getting married, or minor, like where to east out for a date. It's important to treat each conflict seriously though because you never know how much blowing off a minor conflict or belittling your spouse in a minor argument can hurt your relationship. Marisa and I had a minor conflict today when we were choosing where to eat out, but we solved it because we didn't want our food choices to impact our love and commitment to each other. By working together, we actually strengthened our relationship and love for one another.  

Compromise can lead to what you want and happiness!

After an day in Houston filled with visiting a Hindu temple, learning about world cultures, and swimming, we were both pretty hungry. Since I am from Arizona originally, I cannot get enough of Whataburger! That restaurant is so amazing. I really was wanting to get a burger, fries, and Strawberry Fanta soda as I always do. So, for the umpteenth time, I told Marisa we should go to Whataburger. She was not very keen on that suggestion because of how unhealthy it is and how many times she has eaten there as a native Houstonian. She suggested a kind of pricy-ish Mediterranean buffet. I was not really going to argue with her on this issue anyways, but while I went to get a glass of water, she was searching on yelp and found a place called M&M grill that was close to where I live. The Ms stand for "Mexican and Mediterranean." We looked at their menu and saw that I could get a hamburger and Marisa could get the shawarma she wanted. We agreed to go to M&M which made us both very happy and more in love with each other because we both got what we wanted, more or less, and we solved another conflict together! This conflict could have easily gotten out of hand if either of us felt like our suggestions about where we wanted to eat devalued the other person's opinion and desires. Thankfully, Marisa and I make compromise a key ingredient of our successful relationships. 

While conflicts are not always this simple, it's important to always be ready to resolve conflicts by compromising. You are not always going to get your way, and often you'll find it's more rewarding to compromise a little bit and make your spouse happy. Whenever you and your spouse enter a conflict, always embrace the attitude of Proverbs 15:1, A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. You'll find that your harsh words and stubbornness is never the answer, but compromise is!

When the Extraordinary Becomes Ordinary

For those of you in love with the person you believe God has placed in your life, I am sure you feel the same sort of happiness and completeness that Marisa and I feel. Love according to God's plan is something extraordinary and something that He has promised us in his word.

Some people are able and practicing living and loving according to God's plan and have a blessed and fulfilled life. However, many more people have relationships where the extraordinary becomes ordinary. Marisa wrote in this post about how we and everyone have points in their relationships where they take their significant other for granted. It's easy to forget that our spouse is a blessing and was constructed in God's perfect image. When we forget how truly special our significant other is, the extraordinary that God has blessed us with in our lives becomes ordinary.

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Marisa and I were blessed yesterday to hear a sermon taught by by a pastor at Ecclesia in Houston. The pastor spoke about how God uses the ordinary in our lives sometimes to be the way we hear him. Christ chose 12 ordinary men to be his disciples. God used ordinary loaves and fishes to feed the multitudes. What we think may be ordinary in our lives is always a blessing that God has given us.

Considering your spouse "ordinary" is not a good thing and not something I would encourage to make you feel better connected to them. My point in writing this post is to show you that if your spouse is now just a part of your routine or if you have become to take them for granted, God can use your routine and "ordinaryness" to transform your relationship. Sometimes it takes thinking someone or something is ordinary to realize how truly powerful and amazing it is when we finally reach the realization that what we once took for granted is awesome, a blessing, and cannot be taken for granted.

Taking each other for granted and considering each other "ordinary" and "part of a routine" is what nearly destroyed Marisa's and my relationship. However, through the tough circumstances that we have recently endured forever, we both realize now that what we once held as "ordinary" in our lives--each other--is actually the most extraordinary, fantastic, and wholesome blessing God has given both of us in our lives.

The reason I titled this post "When the Extraordinary Becomes Ordinary" is because that's how many relationships end. People often take God's blessings in our lives as granted. Our spouses are not "ordinary," but whenever we fall into a routine of ordinary things God uses the ordinary as his Holy ground for showing you the beauty of his presence and image. Are you listening and looking around in your life for how the "ordinary" is actually "extraordinary?"

The Family Feud--Biblical Advice for Solving Marital Problems

Unlike the popular gameshow "Family Feud" where families vie for a cash prize of up to $20,000 each show, most (if not all) married couples have family feuds of their own with their spouse. Financial, spiritual, emotional, and sexual problems can all result in a failed or miserable marriage if they are not properly dealt with and if the couple does not communicate well.

I was reading some passages in the Bible today on humility, grace, forgiveness and love and I came to realize that problems in marriage, or the "family feuds," stem from 3 main sources: his past & her past, his concerns & her concerns, and mutual problems from relationship. Understanding that there are 3 main sources of conflict within marriages and relationships can help us break down the method to resolving conflict according to God's plan and commandment for us.

Before I analyze how to deal with the individual sources of conflict, I want to say that I am a firm believer that marital or relationship problems can be solved if each spouse is willing to diligently follow God's word for how we are supposed to deal with trials and problems. Some people believe that the concept of marriage is flawed. God's perfect plan is not flawed. People are flawed, but reading and applying God's scripture to your life and your marriage can dramatically impact your happiness and the happiness of those around you.

So, onto dealing with the sources of conflict...

1. His past & her past:

I praise God everyday that Marisa still wants to be with me. I have an interesting past filled with things that I regret doing (but appreciate the lessons I learned), as well as a handful of baggage from my parents' divorce. I also suffer significantly from feelings of disrespect that stem from the way my Mom has treated me like a child for years into my adolescence and early adulthood. I often mistake things Marisa or anyone else does careless or rudely as direct signs that they disrespect me, which is obviously not true.

I also suffer with some feelings of worthlessness and feeling bad about my body. I matured early, was tall at a young age, and had (and have) far more body hair than most of my peers. This has caused me to believe at times that I am unworthy of the truly beautiful woman Marisa is (inside and out) and has caused intense feelings of jealousy whenever she gets too close in my opinion to other guys.

I am quite the case and it is truly a blessing that God has given me to have Marisa in my life. She has taught me so much about sacrificial love and persevering through trials and I am so grateful for the maturity in Christ and in general that this relationship has allowed me to acquire. All that being said, I still have the various issues from the past that cause conflict, and the way Marisa and I resolve conflict depends on the way we are able to address and resolve issues in the past. 

Source: http://positivemed.com

Ephesians 4:32 commands us to "be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." It is key to your spouse's happiness to always be gentle and always forgive. Love covers a multitude of sins, including sins that have roots in the past. You must love and bear with your partner through their issues and the emotional baggage of their past. I am blessed that Marisa follows this commandment from God and that I do the same for her life. 

I think this is the most important thing you can practice to resolve conflicts that are rooted in the past. There is a saying that says "everyone comes with baggage... find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." You need to be committed to helping your spouse or partner sort through the past and you need to be gentle, understanding, caring, and loving as they deal with any unresolved conflict. God tells us to be understanding, supportive, and caring towards our spouse because it is way easier to deal with the past and help people understand their personal problems than trying to retroactively deal with problems caused by the past. 

2. His concerns and her concerns: 

It's natural to be worried and wonder about your future, but too much worry, fear, and doubt can destroy a marriage. If there is one thing I have learned throughout my life, there are only one thing certain in life and those are God and His Word. Obviously money is important to paying bills and having a sense of financial security, but God is the ultimate provider and the world is an ever-changing place. However, money is a false sense of complete security. In October of 1929, millions of people woke up around the world to find their vast fortunes or entire life savings blown away by the wave of run off spending due to fear and speculation. 

People tend to use fear and speculation to drive their life, especially their financial choices. People save money for the future, believing that some greenbacks (since nothing is really "gold backed" anymore) equate to security. It's crazy to me that we invest so much into believing that something that is completely worthless is (in some peoples' opinions) more powerful and secure than God. We speculate about our retirement and our lives with our families and become concerned that we do not have enough money.

The same basic principles of fear and speculation oftentimes cause conflict over concerns pertaining to the future. God has given us his Word about the fleeting nature and uncertainty of the future and advice for how to deal with a spouse that is overly concerned. 

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Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.  But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. --Matthew 6: 31-33

God knows and can meet our needs if we trust in him. Whenever your family falls into a place of economic uncertainty, dwell on God's promise to us and you will find that your heart will be put at ease and you will be inspired to put God's plan for your life and success into action. Encourage your spouse to place their trust in God and believe in his blessings if they are struggling. The future may look bleak, but God promises us in Jeremiah 29:11 that he knows the "plans he has for you...plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

I think most concerns people have about the future pertain to potential financial problems. However, for other areas of concern, bear with your spouse knowing that the two of you are a team and that you have made a committment in front of God and the community to tackle the problems of life together. Embrace the concept James speaks of by "counting all trials as joy" because trials develop you into better people and can draw you closer in love through their overcoming. Work with your spouse diligently and persist in love. If a third party is needed to help you communicate your concerns about your future, seek out counsel from your pastor or from a licensed Christian Marriage and Family counselor.

3. Mutual problems from the relationship:

A lot of people enter relationships and marriages with the expectations are going to be a certain way. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, expectations are oftentimes not reality and this leads people to communicate poorly because they intentionally believe their spouse is doing something wrong.

Whenever you get into a heated argument because of failed expectations (or any other reason), follow the advice of Proverbs 15:1 by using a "soft answer" to "turn away wrath" instead of harsh or abusive words that create more problems. There are times where you will be wrong, there will be times where you spouse will be wrong, and there are times where you will both be loved. The important thing is preservers and your actions play a big role in whether or not your relationship stays together and his happy. This website gives readers 3 key phrases that they should always practice using with their spouse during and after arguments. They are the following:  

• I love you.
• I forgive you.
• I'm sorry.

Just saying these phrases will advance you so far in your relationship and your ability to truly understand and meet the needs of your spouse.

A final note: One thing I struggled with at the beginning of my relationship with Marisa was pride and a belief that there was nothing wrong with me and all of our problems stemmed from her past and her wrongdoings. This is a bologna way to think about things! You as much a part of the problem and you can be an equal or greater amount of the solution. We're all imperfect and sinners. We must recognize this and not act haughty around our loved ones. Praying the following prayer Psalm 15: 1-13 daily can help you approach "problems" you think your spouse is solely responsible for with the attitude of grace, humility and love: 

Have mercy on me, O God,

    according to your unfailing love;

according to your great compassion

    blot out my transgressions.

 

Wash away all my iniquity

    and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,

    and my sin is always before me.

 

Against you, you only, have I sinned

    and done what is evil in your sight;

so you are right in your verdict

    and justified when you judge.

 

Surely I was sinful at birth,

    sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

 

Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;

    you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;

    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

 

Let me hear joy and gladness;

    let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

 

Hide your face from my sins

    and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,

    and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 

Do not cast me from your presence

    or take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation

    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways,

    so that sinners will turn back to you.