Compromise Resolves Controversy

"Compromise works well in this world when you have shared goals."

--.Jim DeMint--

Although Senator Jim DeMint is a American politician, which we all know are bad at compromising, Senator DeMint's statement on compromise should be the mission statement of every marriage. You and your spouse are a team: you need to compromise! When you get married to someone, you are joined in the common cause of you both having a rich and blessed life together. If you get married under the impression that the other person will make all of your dreams possible and will live to make each and every single one of your desires come true, well... you are setting yourself up for a gigantic failure and disappointment. You can, however, know that you and your spouse are committed to solving problems and working through life's issues together for the benefit of the both of you. 

Conflict is human nature. It's how a married couple resolves conflict that is divine. If done correctly, solving conflict in marriage is something that can bring you and your spouse great satisfaction and intense feelings of love. What can possibly be more exciting than solving a daunting challenge with the love of your life? Absolutely nothing!

The issue with conflict resolution in marriage is that people are often too set in their ways. and opinions "It's my way or the highway," as the old saying goes. You may have your perfect image of what your spouse should be like, where you should live, what you are going to do with your life, what your house will be like, who you are going to visit during the holidays, and who is going to do the dirty laundry. Throw out your preconceived notions of what your life and your marriage will be like right now and know that only two things in your relationship are certain: God's love for you and your commitment as a couple. 

Dr. Gary Chapman's book on conflict resolution, Everybody Wins, is one of my favorite books to read and one of the books I recommend every couple reads. The knowledge in this tiny book is immense and easy to understand. If you can apply the information in this book like Marisa and I strive to do every day, you can find that your conflicts bring as much joy as your agreements because you know that you can conquer the conflict with your partner. 

Dr. Chapman's book talks about one couple who had a serious conflict in their marriage over what color to paint the bathroom of their new home, a conflict that brought the couple to Dr. Chapman because they were both angered by the disagreement and considering ending their marriage. Through Dr. Chapman's strategies on listening and compromise, the pair agreed to a unique compromise: they would paint one wall of the bathroom the color the wife wanted and the other wall the color the husband wanted. The couple was ecstatic about their solution and was thrilled to tell friends and visitors the story of their great compromise when asked about their unique bathroom design. 

Conflicts can be major, like choosing what city to live in after getting married, or minor, like where to east out for a date. It's important to treat each conflict seriously though because you never know how much blowing off a minor conflict or belittling your spouse in a minor argument can hurt your relationship. Marisa and I had a minor conflict today when we were choosing where to eat out, but we solved it because we didn't want our food choices to impact our love and commitment to each other. By working together, we actually strengthened our relationship and love for one another.  

Compromise can lead to what you want and happiness!

After an day in Houston filled with visiting a Hindu temple, learning about world cultures, and swimming, we were both pretty hungry. Since I am from Arizona originally, I cannot get enough of Whataburger! That restaurant is so amazing. I really was wanting to get a burger, fries, and Strawberry Fanta soda as I always do. So, for the umpteenth time, I told Marisa we should go to Whataburger. She was not very keen on that suggestion because of how unhealthy it is and how many times she has eaten there as a native Houstonian. She suggested a kind of pricy-ish Mediterranean buffet. I was not really going to argue with her on this issue anyways, but while I went to get a glass of water, she was searching on yelp and found a place called M&M grill that was close to where I live. The Ms stand for "Mexican and Mediterranean." We looked at their menu and saw that I could get a hamburger and Marisa could get the shawarma she wanted. We agreed to go to M&M which made us both very happy and more in love with each other because we both got what we wanted, more or less, and we solved another conflict together! This conflict could have easily gotten out of hand if either of us felt like our suggestions about where we wanted to eat devalued the other person's opinion and desires. Thankfully, Marisa and I make compromise a key ingredient of our successful relationships. 

While conflicts are not always this simple, it's important to always be ready to resolve conflicts by compromising. You are not always going to get your way, and often you'll find it's more rewarding to compromise a little bit and make your spouse happy. Whenever you and your spouse enter a conflict, always embrace the attitude of Proverbs 15:1, A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. You'll find that your harsh words and stubbornness is never the answer, but compromise is!

The Family Feud--Biblical Advice for Solving Marital Problems

Unlike the popular gameshow "Family Feud" where families vie for a cash prize of up to $20,000 each show, most (if not all) married couples have family feuds of their own with their spouse. Financial, spiritual, emotional, and sexual problems can all result in a failed or miserable marriage if they are not properly dealt with and if the couple does not communicate well.

I was reading some passages in the Bible today on humility, grace, forgiveness and love and I came to realize that problems in marriage, or the "family feuds," stem from 3 main sources: his past & her past, his concerns & her concerns, and mutual problems from relationship. Understanding that there are 3 main sources of conflict within marriages and relationships can help us break down the method to resolving conflict according to God's plan and commandment for us.

Before I analyze how to deal with the individual sources of conflict, I want to say that I am a firm believer that marital or relationship problems can be solved if each spouse is willing to diligently follow God's word for how we are supposed to deal with trials and problems. Some people believe that the concept of marriage is flawed. God's perfect plan is not flawed. People are flawed, but reading and applying God's scripture to your life and your marriage can dramatically impact your happiness and the happiness of those around you.

So, onto dealing with the sources of conflict...

1. His past & her past:

I praise God everyday that Marisa still wants to be with me. I have an interesting past filled with things that I regret doing (but appreciate the lessons I learned), as well as a handful of baggage from my parents' divorce. I also suffer significantly from feelings of disrespect that stem from the way my Mom has treated me like a child for years into my adolescence and early adulthood. I often mistake things Marisa or anyone else does careless or rudely as direct signs that they disrespect me, which is obviously not true.

I also suffer with some feelings of worthlessness and feeling bad about my body. I matured early, was tall at a young age, and had (and have) far more body hair than most of my peers. This has caused me to believe at times that I am unworthy of the truly beautiful woman Marisa is (inside and out) and has caused intense feelings of jealousy whenever she gets too close in my opinion to other guys.

I am quite the case and it is truly a blessing that God has given me to have Marisa in my life. She has taught me so much about sacrificial love and persevering through trials and I am so grateful for the maturity in Christ and in general that this relationship has allowed me to acquire. All that being said, I still have the various issues from the past that cause conflict, and the way Marisa and I resolve conflict depends on the way we are able to address and resolve issues in the past. 

Source: http://positivemed.com

Ephesians 4:32 commands us to "be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." It is key to your spouse's happiness to always be gentle and always forgive. Love covers a multitude of sins, including sins that have roots in the past. You must love and bear with your partner through their issues and the emotional baggage of their past. I am blessed that Marisa follows this commandment from God and that I do the same for her life. 

I think this is the most important thing you can practice to resolve conflicts that are rooted in the past. There is a saying that says "everyone comes with baggage... find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." You need to be committed to helping your spouse or partner sort through the past and you need to be gentle, understanding, caring, and loving as they deal with any unresolved conflict. God tells us to be understanding, supportive, and caring towards our spouse because it is way easier to deal with the past and help people understand their personal problems than trying to retroactively deal with problems caused by the past. 

2. His concerns and her concerns: 

It's natural to be worried and wonder about your future, but too much worry, fear, and doubt can destroy a marriage. If there is one thing I have learned throughout my life, there are only one thing certain in life and those are God and His Word. Obviously money is important to paying bills and having a sense of financial security, but God is the ultimate provider and the world is an ever-changing place. However, money is a false sense of complete security. In October of 1929, millions of people woke up around the world to find their vast fortunes or entire life savings blown away by the wave of run off spending due to fear and speculation. 

People tend to use fear and speculation to drive their life, especially their financial choices. People save money for the future, believing that some greenbacks (since nothing is really "gold backed" anymore) equate to security. It's crazy to me that we invest so much into believing that something that is completely worthless is (in some peoples' opinions) more powerful and secure than God. We speculate about our retirement and our lives with our families and become concerned that we do not have enough money.

The same basic principles of fear and speculation oftentimes cause conflict over concerns pertaining to the future. God has given us his Word about the fleeting nature and uncertainty of the future and advice for how to deal with a spouse that is overly concerned. 

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Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.  But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. --Matthew 6: 31-33

God knows and can meet our needs if we trust in him. Whenever your family falls into a place of economic uncertainty, dwell on God's promise to us and you will find that your heart will be put at ease and you will be inspired to put God's plan for your life and success into action. Encourage your spouse to place their trust in God and believe in his blessings if they are struggling. The future may look bleak, but God promises us in Jeremiah 29:11 that he knows the "plans he has for you...plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

I think most concerns people have about the future pertain to potential financial problems. However, for other areas of concern, bear with your spouse knowing that the two of you are a team and that you have made a committment in front of God and the community to tackle the problems of life together. Embrace the concept James speaks of by "counting all trials as joy" because trials develop you into better people and can draw you closer in love through their overcoming. Work with your spouse diligently and persist in love. If a third party is needed to help you communicate your concerns about your future, seek out counsel from your pastor or from a licensed Christian Marriage and Family counselor.

3. Mutual problems from the relationship:

A lot of people enter relationships and marriages with the expectations are going to be a certain way. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, expectations are oftentimes not reality and this leads people to communicate poorly because they intentionally believe their spouse is doing something wrong.

Whenever you get into a heated argument because of failed expectations (or any other reason), follow the advice of Proverbs 15:1 by using a "soft answer" to "turn away wrath" instead of harsh or abusive words that create more problems. There are times where you will be wrong, there will be times where you spouse will be wrong, and there are times where you will both be loved. The important thing is preservers and your actions play a big role in whether or not your relationship stays together and his happy. This website gives readers 3 key phrases that they should always practice using with their spouse during and after arguments. They are the following:  

• I love you.
• I forgive you.
• I'm sorry.

Just saying these phrases will advance you so far in your relationship and your ability to truly understand and meet the needs of your spouse.

A final note: One thing I struggled with at the beginning of my relationship with Marisa was pride and a belief that there was nothing wrong with me and all of our problems stemmed from her past and her wrongdoings. This is a bologna way to think about things! You as much a part of the problem and you can be an equal or greater amount of the solution. We're all imperfect and sinners. We must recognize this and not act haughty around our loved ones. Praying the following prayer Psalm 15: 1-13 daily can help you approach "problems" you think your spouse is solely responsible for with the attitude of grace, humility and love: 

Have mercy on me, O God,

    according to your unfailing love;

according to your great compassion

    blot out my transgressions.

 

Wash away all my iniquity

    and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,

    and my sin is always before me.

 

Against you, you only, have I sinned

    and done what is evil in your sight;

so you are right in your verdict

    and justified when you judge.

 

Surely I was sinful at birth,

    sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

 

Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;

    you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;

    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

 

Let me hear joy and gladness;

    let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

 

Hide your face from my sins

    and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,

    and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 

Do not cast me from your presence

    or take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation

    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways,

    so that sinners will turn back to you.

It's a Marriage, not a Courtroom--Why "Arguments" are bad for Marriage

Hi again,

So I am on my lunch break again today at my internship, and I figured a good use of my time is writing a post about reflections from a chapter in a book I am reading. First, I should probably say that my internship this summer is at the Harris County District Attorney's office in Houston, Texas, so one of the metaphor's in the book that I am reading struck home for me.

When I began this internship, I really thought that I wanted to be a criminal prosecutor one day. (Little did I know that, ironically, I think I really want to be a couple's counselor now, which is about the farthest thing from law and arguing in a court room.) I enjoy researching, finding evidence, and helping people, so I thought one way I could do that would be to serve the community as a prosecutor and help put criminals bars. Since I am an undergraduate, I am working with a less legal-heavy department (Public Relations). I've noticed a few things about law, though, that make me think being a lawyer is not the profession for me. First of all, depending on the case, some of the trials I have observed have been really depressing because of the circumstances the victim faced and the fact that, often, the defendants' lives are ruined by long prison sentences. (I'll spare you some of the gruesome details of the cases I've observed.)

In addition to the details of the job being depressing, the job itself is somewhat empty. Law is all about arguments, and in court there is usually a definite winner and a definite loser. This makes me feel empty. I don't want to achieve victories at someone's expense as my career, or be constantly losing. I thought law would be good because you resolve conflicts. However, you just abate conflicts and deal with them later. Research shows that if an offender is convicted of a crime and released, the likelihood that they'll reoffend and reenter the system is high. So sometimes lawyers aren't solving conflicts, they create more problems. (I am in no way saying that criminals do not deserve to be punished. My point is that arguing does not always produce a solution.)

Dr. Gary Chapman's book on conflict resolution in marriage, Everybody Wins, draws a parallel between the fault of arguing in marriages with arguments used in court. Dr. Chapman acknowledges that arguments in court have a judge and jury to determine who is right and who is wrong and that there is no such luxury in marriage. When you get engaged in an argument with your spouse, there is nobody around to determine who is right. I've only read the first chapter of Dr. Chapman's book, but I can tell it will be a tremendous blessing to me.

The back of Dr. Chapman's book has the following phrase on it: "Conflict is inevitable. Arguing is a choice." How true! If you think that you and your significant other are going to line up on every single issue, you need a reality check. Even the couples that have the most happy, God-directed marriage have conflicts. According to Dr. Chapman, one key difference between couples that have happy marriages and couples that have crappy marriages is in viewing differences as assets and not a wedge between the couple. Dr. Chapman writes, "When differences are viewed as assets, and husbands and wives work together in harmony, life is beautiful."

I think one thing Marisa and I succeed at quite well is taking this piece of Dr. Chapman's advice to heart. We are quite different, actually, yet we manage to have a beautiful relationship and work together well. We don't live together, so that may contribute partially to how we resolve disagreements well (since we don't conflict over living situations, how time or money is spent, etc.), but still for the amount of differences we have, I think it's actually a miracle and amazing how well we work together.

For example, I HATE spicy food. I cannot tolerate at all. If I eat something spicy, I need to have a pitcher of water right next to me to chug in between bites. Marisa LOVES spicy food. I think it's her Latina flair, but she cooks some might spicy recipes sometimes. When she does that, I don't complain and say, "Why can't you cook something less spicy for me? You know I don't like spicy food!" Instead, I take it as an opportunity to broaden my taste buds' horizons and let them experience new tastes that they don't normally see. (I actually am growing to like some spice in my meals, but still not as much as Marisa likes it.)

Marisa, on the other hand, knows that I don't like spicy food and has broadened her culinary horizons by cooking delicious, new recipes that involve far less spice and are more tolerable for my taste. She isn't frustrated at me, wishing that she had a boyfriend who loved spicy food so she could always cook with her flair.

Although this is a fairly minor issue, we both see this difference in our tastes as constructive to our relationship and not destructive. This is KEY step to effective conflict resolution.

I'll keep you updated as I read more in this and other books, but I wanted to leave you with a scripture to reflect on:

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God." Matthew 5:9

I hope you have a blessed Friday and a great weekend!

--Josh