A Generation of Not Being in Love

     While listening to one of my Pandora music stations the other day, a Drake song come on that really made me stop and think.  Now let me preface the rest of this post by saying that I'm not a fan of most rappers or their derogative music.  However, this one particular song caught my attention.  After I got over my initial surprise at who this song was being sung by, I stopped and listened to the lyrics.  What I heard was even more surprising and hit so close to home.

     The opening lyrics talk about the unfortunate end of a relationship and how it's not the end of the world.  Normal enough.  Then came the chorus and second verse, which was what blew me away.  In the chorus, Drake talks about how staying in the relationship and pretending that all is fine is the wrong thing to do.  He then goes on to sing, "We live in a generation of not being in love and not being together // But we sure make it feel like we're together // Cause we're scared to see each other with somebody else."  That was the line that hit home for me.  It describes my generation perfectly.  So often I've watched as couples fight and break up, make up and get back together, all because it's comfortable or convenient.  It's so sad and discouraging.

     This is my generation, "a generation of not being in love and not being together."  It looks pretty hopeless at times.  As I mentioned in my previous post, my generation is disillusioned with false expectations of love and relationships, never quite understanding the true meaning behind love, never looking to our Heavenly Father as a divine example.  

     If you're in a dating/courting relationship right now, I have a few questions for you.  Whether you're a member of my generation or not, these questions apply to you.

1. Why are you with the person you're dating/courting?  
2. What is it about them that first attracted you to them?
3. How do you usually feel when you're around them?
4. If you've ever considering breaking up with this person, why did you decide not to?

     These are only a few of the multitude of questions I could ask you about your relationship.  I believe that everyone, deep down, knows whether or not they should or shouldn't be with a certain person.  Sadly, we don't realize it because we're so focused on finding that love we dreamed about when we were younger.  We push our doubts and apprehension to the back of our minds because we're so focused on making it work with this person.  I've been guilty of it in past relationships, and I know you have too.

     Stop lying to yourself.  You need to be honest not only with yourself, but with your partner.  I often read articles about how you'll know when you've found the ONE.  These articles imply that you'll immediately know and that you'll never need to question your "love" for this person.  I'm here to tell you that it's OKAY to question your relationship.  I don't mean question in a negative way nor do I mean that you should question your relationship with your partner forever.  What I'm trying to say is that in the beginning and even several months or a year into your relationship, you should ask yourself the above questions.  You should question your own motives and expectations for the relationship.

     When I first started dating Josh, I questioned almost everything!  I'm a naturally cynical and apprehensive person.  Though there have certainly been times when I've failed to ask questions, I often continually question things until I'm confident that I've uncovered the truth.  Josh was no exception.  I was immediately attracted to his charisma, adorableness (despite the fact that he's like 10 feet tall), and his contagious, amazingly perfect laugh (you'd have to hear it).  Yet, I questioned him.  I asked him questions about himself and repeatedly asked myself if he was the right person to date or even marry.

     As the months went by in our relationship, I became more and more confident.  I became increasingly sure of the truth.  There were times when I was overly critical and negative, yet I always came back to the same conclusion, the conclusion that I still have today: Josh is the right one, not the one I'm with because I'm desperate for companionship, not the one I'm with because of his looks, not the one I'm with because it's convenient at the moment, and not the one I'm with because he wants to be with me too (although this is partially necessary for a successful relationship).  I'm with Josh because of who he is as an individual, not who he is as my boyfriend.  He is ambitious, unconditionally loving, inspirational, genuine, fun, forgiving, generous, serious when he needs to be, understanding, a real conversationalist, a listener, and a man after God's own heart.  He's not perfect, but I love him even more for it.  He doesn't think he deserves me, but in believing that he doesn't, he does.  I love him because he loves me and because he gives me so much and puts so much into our relationship, but I love him even more because of what I can do for him and how I can bless him.

     Want to know whether or not you're in the right relationship?  Ask yourself if you're getting more than you're giving in the relationship.  Ask yourself if you could honestly see yourself with this person for the rest of your lives.  If not, it's time to reevaluate and to be completely honest.

There are several things you must consider when evaluating your relationship.  They are as follows:

1. In the right relationship, you shouldn't have to hide parts of yourself from your partner.
2. You shouldn't feel the need to lie to them about your past.
3. You shouldn't fear your partner in any way.
4. You shouldn't feel constant jealousy of them or of their friends nor should they try to make you jealous.
5. You shouldn't have to change for this person.  They should accept and love you, flaws and all.
6. You should be able to trust them.
7. You shouldn't have a backup plan just in case it doesn't work out with them.  You're setting yourself up for failure that way.
8. You should be able to depend on them, but not be codependent.
9. You shouldn't dread spending time with them.
10. You shouldn't have to or want to hide the relationship from others.
11. You shouldn't be with your partner if they can never admit they're wrong and never take responsibility.
12. You shouldn't bash each other in public OR in private.
13. You should be able to go to them with your problems and know that they'll listen, love you, and try to help you.
14. You should both constantly be inspiring each other to be better and do better.
15. You shouldn't want to change who they are or what they believe (we often call this missionary dating).

     The list goes on, but these are the top things to evaluate.  If your relationship matches each of these qualifications, great!  If not, your relationship may just need a bit of work and a bit more open communication.  If your partner refuses to work with you, then it may be time to move on.  Thus far, this blog has been about making relationships work and making them better, but I refuse to lie to you and tell you that all relationships can be fixed.  We will all end up in some relationship or another that we're definitely not supposed to be in.  When this happens all we can do is move on and learn from our mistakes, difficult as that may be.

     If you're going through a breakup I encourage you to push forward and believe that God has a plan.  I encourage you to put God first in each of your future relationships and to ask questions.  Even if you're still in a dating/courting relationship, remember to make God your first priority and to ask those difficult questions.  Some of the answers may hurt, but they'll save you from making even bigger mistakes an experiencing even more heartache.  Don't be content to be the "generation of not being in love".  Refuse to conform to that social trend and instead seek true, God-inspired love.

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

 Feel free to email Josh and I with your thoughts, suggestions, or if you would like prayer or advice.  We thank you for stopping by our blog and hope you'll be back!  

Blessings!

-Marisa

 

It's Never Too Late to Apologize!

There's a song by Timbaland titled "Apologize." While I think this song is beautiful in its own way, I don't agree with the lyrics of the refrain that say, "It's too late to apologize." Relationships are built on trust, honesty, and how we respond to mistakes. It's never too late to apologize and apologizing brings about the possibility of not merely forgiveness for wrongdoing, but repair for the relationship.

The truth is if you want to repair a relationship, It is NEVER too late to apologize!

While our blog is focused on dating, courtship, and marriage, apologies are important every single relationship we have with another person. There will be times where we do wrong and we must apologize to bring about restitution for our error. Similarly, there will be times where we are wronged and we want an apology. Humankind has an amazing capacity to forgive, and forgiveness can bring about the restoration of relationships in place of punishment and justice!

Marisa and I have been reading from many books this past week, including The Five Languages of Apology by Dr. Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas. Dr. Chapman's book talks about the differences in how people view and give genuine apologies and breaks the types of apologies into 5 main categories (to be discussed in a later post). Dr. Chapman writes powerfully in his book that "while justice may bring about some sense of satisfaction to the offended person, justice does not typically restore relationships." How right Dr. Chapman is! With your spouse, your significant other, your family member, and even your coworkers, the inclination of most people is to forgive instead of hold a grudge. However, often times people do not apologize which makes forgiveness extremely difficult for the offended person.

Many people think apologizing is a form of weakness. It is the dead opposite! Apologizing is a sign of strength, humility, and maturity. It takes a strong person to admit that they are wrong and give the power of restoring the relationship over to the offended person who chooses whether or not they want to forgive the offender. Forgiveness is also often seen as an act of the weak, but in reality, it takes a lot of strength to muster the courage to forgive someone and work to repair the relationship. 

Now I want to talk for a moment about two major misconceptions people have about apologies and forgiveness:

First, I've noticed is a lot of people think that apologizing or the ability to forgive someone have expiration dates. You may have harmed your spouse ten years ago by forgetting your fifth anniversary, or you may have hurt your child by being demeaning at times instead of encouraging. The pain people bear from being hurt can last a lifetime. I know this from personal experience, as I am still trying to forgive people who have not apologized to me for things they did or said that hurt me over a decade ago. If we hold onto pain for such a long time from the things of the past, there cannot ever be an expiration date on apologies or forgiveness because there is still a valid reason to apologize and forgive.  It's never too late to apologize or forgive. 

Second, many people seem to believe that apologizing or forgiveness are one time things. You say "I am sorry" or "I forgive you" and that's it. This isn't the case at all. An apology and forgiveness aren't the one and only step needed to restore relationship. An apology is the first step for an offender of repentance; the offender sees what they are doing is detrimental to their relationship and themselves and they apologize, making the commitment to strive to become a better person. When you apologize for something, odds are you may fail by doing the same thing. Thus, apologizing is a process because it recognizes the need for a continual commitment towards change. Similarly, forgiveness is the first step for an offended person to begin to restore the relationship. Forgiveness is a commitment to remove the debt owed because of the offense and to begin the journey in trusting, loving, and accepting the offender, no matter how egregious their sin. 

In future posts, I hope to discuss the 5 different languages of apology, how to genuinely apologize, and how apologies and forgiveness can change your life.

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Have you ever felt like you cannot forgive your spouse, friend, or family member because they will not apologize? Do you have problems communicating your genuine and sincere apology to your loved one or coworker? We would love to hear your stories and help you along in your journey to attaining the ability to effectively apologize and forgive. You can reach Marisa or me any time with questions, comments, testimonies, or concerns at showinghearts@gmail.com.

I hope you have a blessed weekend!

Lose the Weight of Defeat

Even as a child, I LOVED books.  Books were and have always been a part of who I am.  I have never merely been a reader, but a dreamer, an idealist, and a visionary.  Around age 6 or 7, however, I was mostly just interested in the pictures in my mom’s “grown up” books.  One book in particular was my favorite.  You may or may not have heard of it.  Its entitled See You at the Top, and it’s written by Zig Ziglar.  I was fascinated by the clever illustrations in this book and constantly stole it from my mom’s bookshelf to leaf through its pages.  I’m pretty sure my mom knew I was only interested in the pictures.  I mean, how many 6 year olds actually read self-help books?

Anyway, a week or so ago, I found the book yet again while cleaning.  Needless to say, I cracked it open and couldn’t put it down.  I’m trying to read it slowly to absorb every bit of advice Mr. Ziglar offers his readers.  One thing really stuck out to me today as I continued reading.  In this particular section of the book, Ziglar is discussing self-image.  Referring to people with poor self-image, he states, “Since they don’t like themselves, they can’t possibly believe that a member of the opposite sex could love them above all others.”  He goes on to say that these people “can neither love nor trust their mate because they neither love nor trust themselves.”  How true that is.  Even as I type this very sentence, I struggle with a terrible self-image.  I often belittle my own talents and abilities and choose to put myself down rather than lift myself up.  It’s damaging, plain and simple.

I’m certain that many of you share in my struggle.  The journey towards self-contentment and satisfaction with one’s lot in life is a truly difficult one.  We not only have to fight our inner demons, but we have to fight against the superficial values of the society we live in.  Be sexier, be smarter, be greater, wear this, don’t wear that, lose those five pounds… We’re constantly bombarded with messages that we aren’t good enough and that we have to change some aspect (or many) of ourselves.  It’s awful!  Not only do we hurt ourselves when we hold onto our poor self-images, but we also hurt those around us, those people that love us and see us as more than enough.

Just as Ziglar said, we can’t love others and make in a difference in the world until we let go of all that’s keeping us down.  I remember playing a certain song over and over when I was younger.  It was a song by Oh Sleeper, a heavy metal Christian band.  A few lines have stuck with me from the very moment I first heard the song...

You're worth more than the cheap words.
You see your body as beauty, but your pulse is worth more.

and

Why do we keep what holds us? Why do I keep what holds me down?
Lose the weight of defeat. It's time to stand your ground.

Those words truly touched me.  They have stuck with me long past my heavy metal days.  I’m worth so much more…  Why am I holding on to what’s only holding me down?  Why am I allowing myself to be crushed by the weight of defeat?  By the lies that tell me I’m not enough? 

Though it’s easier said than done, we can’t allow the weight of defeat to hold us down.  Josh is always telling me that we are victors in Christ, never victims.  It’s so simple, yet so hard to listen to sometimes.  When we are at our lowest, we tend to dwell in our misery, preferring to stay there rather than listen to words of encouragement.  What we don’t realize is that we’re only hurting ourselves further.  Only when we recognize our worth in Christ can we finally make progress towards changing our negative views towards ourselves.  I’m still trying!  I take steps forward and steps back, but I’m always moving further forward, bit by bit.

However, it wasn’t until I read that quote today in Ziglar’s book that I realized that my struggle with self-image doesn’t just affect me.  It affects Josh as well.  The more I cling to my negative views of myself, the more I hurt myself and my relationship with Josh.  In order for me to fully love and trust Josh like he loves and trusts me, I have to let go of the poor self-image and shake off the weight of defeat.  I can’t take steps forward if I’m constantly having to carry unnecessary weight.

In all our relationships, we have to first learn to love ourselves before we can love those around us.  After all, how can we extend unconditional love and acceptance towards others if we can’t do the same for ourselves?  Can we give what we don’t have?  The answer to both of those questions is obviously no.  If we aren’t happy and content with ourselves, we can’t be truly happy and content with others. 

From this ENTIRE post, if there’s only a few pieces of advice you take away, let it be the these:

1. Take an honest look at your self-image 
2. If your self-image is poor, try to eliminate negative thoughts and focus on at least three things each day that you do well or three things about yourself that you like (I KNOW you can think of at least three) 
3. Surround yourself with positive people that build you up rather than tear you down or belittle you 
4. Discuss your struggle with your spouse or significant other so that they too can help you 
5. Research the meaning of love and focus on extending it not only to yourself, but to your partner, family, friends, and coworkers 
6. Keep a journal or write a blog!  Not only is it therapeutic, but it is a healthy and highly recommended outlet for your thoughts, feelings, and prayers.

 If you have any recommendations to add to this list or if you'd like to share your thoughts on self-image, feel free to comment or email us at Showinghearts@gmail.com.

When Life Get's Unclear, Readjust Your Focus

Life is like a camera; how we react to things depends a lot on our perspective and our focus. The success of any relationship depends on the same principles that define photography.

I've been an amateur photographer since my sophomore year in high school when I took my first photography class. In photography, I learned a lot about color, texture, value, composition, and lighting. However, two of the most important things that makes any picture "great" are perspective and focus.

A lot of people with cameras take photos at around eye-level, pointing more or less directly straight forward. Tied with the increasing fad of "selfies," only photographing things at eye level will create a boring and homogenous photography portfolio. The same goes for life and especially relationships.

If you only approach your relationship with one perspective, you only understand where you are coming from. There are times in relationships that require us to change our perspective. Changing your perspective can mean sympathizing with your partner during a dispute or it can mean realizing that when you are wronged by your partner your situation could be significantly worse. Changing our perspective allows us to better understand our partner, our goals for a relationship, and ourselves. If you change your perspective often, you may find that you need to make some serious adjustments to yourself, your decisions, and your character for the betterment of yourself, your partner, and your relationship.

Refocusing allows us to gain greater understanding! Source

The other thing that makes a photograph amazing is clear or unique focus. I cannot tell you how many pictures my teacher vetoed for my portfolio because they were "too blurry" or "incorrectly focused." A lot of people in life go around with an incorrect focus. People, including myself, tend to focus so much on the negative aspect of their mate and their lives. We can grumble and complain about our mate's tics, their inability to communicate, their bad sense of humor, or their inability to listen.

Challenge yourself everyday to readjust your focus! You need to do this especially if you feel wronged or victimized by the person you love. Philippians 4:8 is some of the greatest advice to live by when you are experiencing frustration, disappointment, or anger because of your relationship:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

I am sure you can find at least one good thing in your partner when you are mad at them, and once you do that you can find a dozen, two dozen, or even more things you admire in them. You need to ALWAYS focus on the good in your partner. Whenever we become bogged down by the bad things that our partners have done, it is so easy to get overwhelmed and want to end the relationship or seek commitment elsewhere. Below are some questions you can ask yourself to get yourself thinking about the good things your partner has done in your life:

1. What do you admire most about your partner?
2. What is your favorite thing about your partner's appearance? 
3. What is your favorite thing about your partner's character? 
4. What are some favorite memories you have shared together?
5. What does your partner do for you to make you feel loved, comforted, or secured?

When you ask yourself the above questions, you will be certain to always find positive things about your partner to dwell on during times of turmoil. Life and relationships can be tumultuous. We must keep our eyes on the prize of an amazing relationship and life with God or we will sink. Above all else, it is critical that if you are not where you need to be with God that you readjust your focus on Him. With God, all things are possible, including overcoming your relationship's problems. 

A final note: 

One other thing I learned about photography is that it doesn't matter what type of camera you have, it's the photographer, not the camera, that makes a photo great. You can have a $50 point and shoot, or a $3,000 Nikon DLSR with fancy lenses. If you don't know how to use your camera, you won't take a good picture, plain as that.

People often think that you need lots of money, job security, or an older age (like 30) to be "qualified" to marry. That's complete garbage. It doesn't matter if you are rich or poor, have a job or don't have a job, and young or old. You either have good preparation, the skills to do marriage, and commitment or you don't. Just like how the uneducated photographer will take terrible pictures with the fancy camera, people who are rich, have job security, and are older DO NOT necessarily have what it takes to make a  marriage work. However, the people who are trained, read marriage resources, go to premarital counseling, study the word of God, and understand that marriage requires constant work and dedication can have the most successful marriage around, even if they are not rich, do not have a job right now, or are young. When it comes to getting married, it's the couple, not their circumstances, that will define their relationship's success. 

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How can you refocus and change your perspective in your relationship? What are some of the things you value about your partner that help you always focus on the good? We love to hear your story! Feel free to comment below or email us at showinghearts@gmail.com.

God bless you!

Forgiveness: Christ Commands us to to not Cast our 'Stones' at our Sinning Mate

Disappointment is inevitable in marriage and in life. One way or another, people will let you down. The severity of disappointment often varies by offense. Your spouse can let you down by mocking you and being a bad communicator, or they can disappoint you by committing infidelity which msn.com lists as the #3 reason couples get divorced. No matter how disappointed you are by your spouse, if you want to continue your relationship and live according to Christ's plan, it is critical to be in a place where you can forgive them and work towards restitution.

I think most married people would agree that one of the greatest offenses their spouse could commit (and the hardest to forgive) is infidelity. For people already struggling with insecurity or feelings of low self worth, the blow from infidelity can be almost unbearable. However, whether it be infidelity or any other offense, the hardest thing to rebuild after committing a serious sin against your spouse is trust.

Rebuilding trust and moving forward from any offense requires the commitment of both spouses. It requires the offending spouse to realize what they did was wrong and that they have the desire to repent and change from their ways. For the offended spouse, it is key to learn to forgive and work forward like Christ commands.

Whenever I've been hurt by Marisa in the past, I always tried focus on the lesson learned through Christ's forgiveness of the woman caught in the act of adultery in John 8. In the time of the Pharisees, the "law of Moses commanded [the people] to stone" women caught in the act of adultery (John 8:5). The punishment for this act wasn't just a separation from her husband (like it is so often today), but her brutal execution by her neighbors.

Christ forgave the woman caught in the
act of adultery! He encourages us to forgive
one another an give grace freely. Source

The people in this story were preparing to stone the woman for her sin, fulfilling the punishment that the law commanded. Sometimes we use our own stones from our hurt and pain to "stone" our mate. Even if you do not terminate the relationship, your words and actions can sometimes result in the spiritual death of your mate, causing your mate to be suffocated by so much grief and guilt for what they did.

Instead of stoning our spouse, we need to drop the stone and come to their aid, no matter how hard it seems. Christ protected this adulterous woman, proclaiming to the crowd "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her," (John 8:5). The crowd left from the oldest to the youngest, realizing that nobody was without sin and that nobody deserved to stone her for what she did.

You have NO right to "stone" your spouse for what they did to you, no matter how bad you are hurt. If you want to work forward from whatever transgression occurred, you must embrace the forgiveness of Christ and extend it to your spouse, realizing that the forgiveness and grace you are giving to your spouse is the very same forgiveness and grace Christ has given all of us.

Forgiving your spouse and working towards restitution are two different things. Forgiveness only involves yourself... it is your choice and it helps you! Working towards restitution means that your spouse is actively interested in forsaking their past sin and moving forward. Christ told the woman that he "does not condemn her," but also "to go and sin no more."

The blessing of grace is the gift of a another chance. Christ has given us a second chance. Lay your hurt at the foot of the cross, pray, and extend the love of God to your sinning spouse in the same way Christ forgave the adulterous woman... the same way he forgives us and gives us grace.

I was inspired to write today's post when I flipped open my copy of The First Five Years of Marriage  to a chapter entitled "How Can I get my Spouse to Forgive Me?" The answer to this question is that you really cannot force your spouse to forgive you, but encourage them to forgive. One couple that experienced the pain of infidelity told the author of this chapter that the following scripture was central to their recovery from the affair:

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice: And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:31-32). 

Forgiveness is a process, and it takes time. This author from Focus on the Family gives us 4 points to remember when going through the process of forgiving our spouse (or anyone, for that matter):

1. Recognize that forgiveness is a process
2. Realize that fear can be a barrier to forgiveness
3. Seek outside guidance (e.g. a counselor)
4. Be honest with yourself 

Forgiveness and restitution can be the most rewarding experiences in growing your relationship as a couple and growing your relationship with Christ. Marisa and I have both hurt and disappointed one another multiple times. However, by following Christ's commandment to forgive, Marisa and I have deepened our love greatly for each other and nurtured our relationship with Christ. By extending Christ's forgiveness and grace to your spouse, you can truly learn what it means and how awesome it is that we are forgiven and unconditionally loved by God! 

Have you been hurt by something your spouse has done? Have you overcame disappointment through forgiveness and grace? As always, Marisa and I love to hear what you have been through in your relationship and walk with Christ! We encourage you to comment on our posts or email us at showing hearts@gmail.com with your testimony, questions, and points of discussion.

God bless you, and I hope you have an amazing weekend!

Technology Timeout

People are glued to their phones and technology. One poll shows that 47% of Americans believe that they could not go one day without their smartphone. With a lot of business and communication occurring through our smartphones and computers, technology is certainly critical to modern life. However, one question I think everyone needs to ask is how much should technology and social media play a role in your relationship with your spouse or significant other? 

Marisa knows my biggest pet peeve: using her phone to text other people or check Facebook when we are on a date. Since we do not live together and are not married, our official dates together are very special and important to both of us. While I do not mind if she checks her phone if someone texts her once and I am not bothered if she checks social media during a transition in the date (e.g. me driving us somewhere), I get very irritated when she (or anyone else in a relationship, for that matter) checks their technology during a date. 

Source

I definitely check my technology during dates too, but I try to keep it to a bare minimum. My personal belief is when you are on a date with someone, they deserve your undivided attention. You should not be talking to anyone else through texting or social media unless it is an absolute emergency. Whenever I go out and observe couples, it never fails that I often see two people glued to their technology while out on a date and, thus, they not glued to each other! 

My Aunt Lyda who is a psychologist in California has something she calls "techno-ten" during dinner time. Whenever I and my family are on vacation at Lyda's home, she always declares a techno-ten before dinner time and takes all of our technology and places it into a bowl where we cannot access it for any reason. After dinner, which usually lasts a little more than ten minutes (hence techno-ten), everyone is able to get their technology back. However, we often find ourselves really engaged with one another and instead of going back to our technology we want to spend more time together after dinner by playing a board game or simply chatting. 

When you put your technology down for just a short period of time during a date, you may be surprised to find out how much you and your spouse or significant other have to talk about! We live in a world where everything has to be interconnected. We want to use social media and our phones to be with multiple people at once. How about embracing the good old fashioned tradition of being solely with the person you are spending time with at that very moment? 

I encourage you to embrace the idea of a "Technology Timeout." Like Marisa and me, you and your spouse or significant other can make this a daily commitment where you can spend time together free from other social connections, or you can embrace this as a policy for dates. For me, I personally find that whenever I am with Marisa I do not want to check Facebook, Instagram, twitter, and texts at all. Marisa is a gem to me, so why would I compromise the time I have with her to spend time in a virtual relationship with other friends at that moment? 

You can't be in two places at once. You can either be glued to your spouse or glued to your technology. Do you want to be with your spouse and spend time devoted to them, or are your commitments to your social media network and contacts more important to you? 

Compromise Resolves Controversy

"Compromise works well in this world when you have shared goals."

--.Jim DeMint--

Although Senator Jim DeMint is a American politician, which we all know are bad at compromising, Senator DeMint's statement on compromise should be the mission statement of every marriage. You and your spouse are a team: you need to compromise! When you get married to someone, you are joined in the common cause of you both having a rich and blessed life together. If you get married under the impression that the other person will make all of your dreams possible and will live to make each and every single one of your desires come true, well... you are setting yourself up for a gigantic failure and disappointment. You can, however, know that you and your spouse are committed to solving problems and working through life's issues together for the benefit of the both of you. 

Conflict is human nature. It's how a married couple resolves conflict that is divine. If done correctly, solving conflict in marriage is something that can bring you and your spouse great satisfaction and intense feelings of love. What can possibly be more exciting than solving a daunting challenge with the love of your life? Absolutely nothing!

The issue with conflict resolution in marriage is that people are often too set in their ways. and opinions "It's my way or the highway," as the old saying goes. You may have your perfect image of what your spouse should be like, where you should live, what you are going to do with your life, what your house will be like, who you are going to visit during the holidays, and who is going to do the dirty laundry. Throw out your preconceived notions of what your life and your marriage will be like right now and know that only two things in your relationship are certain: God's love for you and your commitment as a couple. 

Dr. Gary Chapman's book on conflict resolution, Everybody Wins, is one of my favorite books to read and one of the books I recommend every couple reads. The knowledge in this tiny book is immense and easy to understand. If you can apply the information in this book like Marisa and I strive to do every day, you can find that your conflicts bring as much joy as your agreements because you know that you can conquer the conflict with your partner. 

Dr. Chapman's book talks about one couple who had a serious conflict in their marriage over what color to paint the bathroom of their new home, a conflict that brought the couple to Dr. Chapman because they were both angered by the disagreement and considering ending their marriage. Through Dr. Chapman's strategies on listening and compromise, the pair agreed to a unique compromise: they would paint one wall of the bathroom the color the wife wanted and the other wall the color the husband wanted. The couple was ecstatic about their solution and was thrilled to tell friends and visitors the story of their great compromise when asked about their unique bathroom design. 

Conflicts can be major, like choosing what city to live in after getting married, or minor, like where to east out for a date. It's important to treat each conflict seriously though because you never know how much blowing off a minor conflict or belittling your spouse in a minor argument can hurt your relationship. Marisa and I had a minor conflict today when we were choosing where to eat out, but we solved it because we didn't want our food choices to impact our love and commitment to each other. By working together, we actually strengthened our relationship and love for one another.  

Compromise can lead to what you want and happiness!

After an day in Houston filled with visiting a Hindu temple, learning about world cultures, and swimming, we were both pretty hungry. Since I am from Arizona originally, I cannot get enough of Whataburger! That restaurant is so amazing. I really was wanting to get a burger, fries, and Strawberry Fanta soda as I always do. So, for the umpteenth time, I told Marisa we should go to Whataburger. She was not very keen on that suggestion because of how unhealthy it is and how many times she has eaten there as a native Houstonian. She suggested a kind of pricy-ish Mediterranean buffet. I was not really going to argue with her on this issue anyways, but while I went to get a glass of water, she was searching on yelp and found a place called M&M grill that was close to where I live. The Ms stand for "Mexican and Mediterranean." We looked at their menu and saw that I could get a hamburger and Marisa could get the shawarma she wanted. We agreed to go to M&M which made us both very happy and more in love with each other because we both got what we wanted, more or less, and we solved another conflict together! This conflict could have easily gotten out of hand if either of us felt like our suggestions about where we wanted to eat devalued the other person's opinion and desires. Thankfully, Marisa and I make compromise a key ingredient of our successful relationships. 

While conflicts are not always this simple, it's important to always be ready to resolve conflicts by compromising. You are not always going to get your way, and often you'll find it's more rewarding to compromise a little bit and make your spouse happy. Whenever you and your spouse enter a conflict, always embrace the attitude of Proverbs 15:1, A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. You'll find that your harsh words and stubbornness is never the answer, but compromise is!

The Family Feud--Biblical Advice for Solving Marital Problems

Unlike the popular gameshow "Family Feud" where families vie for a cash prize of up to $20,000 each show, most (if not all) married couples have family feuds of their own with their spouse. Financial, spiritual, emotional, and sexual problems can all result in a failed or miserable marriage if they are not properly dealt with and if the couple does not communicate well.

I was reading some passages in the Bible today on humility, grace, forgiveness and love and I came to realize that problems in marriage, or the "family feuds," stem from 3 main sources: his past & her past, his concerns & her concerns, and mutual problems from relationship. Understanding that there are 3 main sources of conflict within marriages and relationships can help us break down the method to resolving conflict according to God's plan and commandment for us.

Before I analyze how to deal with the individual sources of conflict, I want to say that I am a firm believer that marital or relationship problems can be solved if each spouse is willing to diligently follow God's word for how we are supposed to deal with trials and problems. Some people believe that the concept of marriage is flawed. God's perfect plan is not flawed. People are flawed, but reading and applying God's scripture to your life and your marriage can dramatically impact your happiness and the happiness of those around you.

So, onto dealing with the sources of conflict...

1. His past & her past:

I praise God everyday that Marisa still wants to be with me. I have an interesting past filled with things that I regret doing (but appreciate the lessons I learned), as well as a handful of baggage from my parents' divorce. I also suffer significantly from feelings of disrespect that stem from the way my Mom has treated me like a child for years into my adolescence and early adulthood. I often mistake things Marisa or anyone else does careless or rudely as direct signs that they disrespect me, which is obviously not true.

I also suffer with some feelings of worthlessness and feeling bad about my body. I matured early, was tall at a young age, and had (and have) far more body hair than most of my peers. This has caused me to believe at times that I am unworthy of the truly beautiful woman Marisa is (inside and out) and has caused intense feelings of jealousy whenever she gets too close in my opinion to other guys.

I am quite the case and it is truly a blessing that God has given me to have Marisa in my life. She has taught me so much about sacrificial love and persevering through trials and I am so grateful for the maturity in Christ and in general that this relationship has allowed me to acquire. All that being said, I still have the various issues from the past that cause conflict, and the way Marisa and I resolve conflict depends on the way we are able to address and resolve issues in the past. 

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Ephesians 4:32 commands us to "be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." It is key to your spouse's happiness to always be gentle and always forgive. Love covers a multitude of sins, including sins that have roots in the past. You must love and bear with your partner through their issues and the emotional baggage of their past. I am blessed that Marisa follows this commandment from God and that I do the same for her life. 

I think this is the most important thing you can practice to resolve conflicts that are rooted in the past. There is a saying that says "everyone comes with baggage... find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." You need to be committed to helping your spouse or partner sort through the past and you need to be gentle, understanding, caring, and loving as they deal with any unresolved conflict. God tells us to be understanding, supportive, and caring towards our spouse because it is way easier to deal with the past and help people understand their personal problems than trying to retroactively deal with problems caused by the past. 

2. His concerns and her concerns: 

It's natural to be worried and wonder about your future, but too much worry, fear, and doubt can destroy a marriage. If there is one thing I have learned throughout my life, there are only one thing certain in life and those are God and His Word. Obviously money is important to paying bills and having a sense of financial security, but God is the ultimate provider and the world is an ever-changing place. However, money is a false sense of complete security. In October of 1929, millions of people woke up around the world to find their vast fortunes or entire life savings blown away by the wave of run off spending due to fear and speculation. 

People tend to use fear and speculation to drive their life, especially their financial choices. People save money for the future, believing that some greenbacks (since nothing is really "gold backed" anymore) equate to security. It's crazy to me that we invest so much into believing that something that is completely worthless is (in some peoples' opinions) more powerful and secure than God. We speculate about our retirement and our lives with our families and become concerned that we do not have enough money.

The same basic principles of fear and speculation oftentimes cause conflict over concerns pertaining to the future. God has given us his Word about the fleeting nature and uncertainty of the future and advice for how to deal with a spouse that is overly concerned. 

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Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.  But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. --Matthew 6: 31-33

God knows and can meet our needs if we trust in him. Whenever your family falls into a place of economic uncertainty, dwell on God's promise to us and you will find that your heart will be put at ease and you will be inspired to put God's plan for your life and success into action. Encourage your spouse to place their trust in God and believe in his blessings if they are struggling. The future may look bleak, but God promises us in Jeremiah 29:11 that he knows the "plans he has for you...plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

I think most concerns people have about the future pertain to potential financial problems. However, for other areas of concern, bear with your spouse knowing that the two of you are a team and that you have made a committment in front of God and the community to tackle the problems of life together. Embrace the concept James speaks of by "counting all trials as joy" because trials develop you into better people and can draw you closer in love through their overcoming. Work with your spouse diligently and persist in love. If a third party is needed to help you communicate your concerns about your future, seek out counsel from your pastor or from a licensed Christian Marriage and Family counselor.

3. Mutual problems from the relationship:

A lot of people enter relationships and marriages with the expectations are going to be a certain way. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, expectations are oftentimes not reality and this leads people to communicate poorly because they intentionally believe their spouse is doing something wrong.

Whenever you get into a heated argument because of failed expectations (or any other reason), follow the advice of Proverbs 15:1 by using a "soft answer" to "turn away wrath" instead of harsh or abusive words that create more problems. There are times where you will be wrong, there will be times where you spouse will be wrong, and there are times where you will both be loved. The important thing is preservers and your actions play a big role in whether or not your relationship stays together and his happy. This website gives readers 3 key phrases that they should always practice using with their spouse during and after arguments. They are the following:  

• I love you.
• I forgive you.
• I'm sorry.

Just saying these phrases will advance you so far in your relationship and your ability to truly understand and meet the needs of your spouse.

A final note: One thing I struggled with at the beginning of my relationship with Marisa was pride and a belief that there was nothing wrong with me and all of our problems stemmed from her past and her wrongdoings. This is a bologna way to think about things! You as much a part of the problem and you can be an equal or greater amount of the solution. We're all imperfect and sinners. We must recognize this and not act haughty around our loved ones. Praying the following prayer Psalm 15: 1-13 daily can help you approach "problems" you think your spouse is solely responsible for with the attitude of grace, humility and love: 

Have mercy on me, O God,

    according to your unfailing love;

according to your great compassion

    blot out my transgressions.

 

Wash away all my iniquity

    and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,

    and my sin is always before me.

 

Against you, you only, have I sinned

    and done what is evil in your sight;

so you are right in your verdict

    and justified when you judge.

 

Surely I was sinful at birth,

    sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

 

Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;

    you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;

    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

 

Let me hear joy and gladness;

    let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

 

Hide your face from my sins

    and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,

    and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 

Do not cast me from your presence

    or take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation

    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways,

    so that sinners will turn back to you.