A Generation of Not Being in Love

     While listening to one of my Pandora music stations the other day, a Drake song come on that really made me stop and think.  Now let me preface the rest of this post by saying that I'm not a fan of most rappers or their derogative music.  However, this one particular song caught my attention.  After I got over my initial surprise at who this song was being sung by, I stopped and listened to the lyrics.  What I heard was even more surprising and hit so close to home.

     The opening lyrics talk about the unfortunate end of a relationship and how it's not the end of the world.  Normal enough.  Then came the chorus and second verse, which was what blew me away.  In the chorus, Drake talks about how staying in the relationship and pretending that all is fine is the wrong thing to do.  He then goes on to sing, "We live in a generation of not being in love and not being together // But we sure make it feel like we're together // Cause we're scared to see each other with somebody else."  That was the line that hit home for me.  It describes my generation perfectly.  So often I've watched as couples fight and break up, make up and get back together, all because it's comfortable or convenient.  It's so sad and discouraging.

     This is my generation, "a generation of not being in love and not being together."  It looks pretty hopeless at times.  As I mentioned in my previous post, my generation is disillusioned with false expectations of love and relationships, never quite understanding the true meaning behind love, never looking to our Heavenly Father as a divine example.  

     If you're in a dating/courting relationship right now, I have a few questions for you.  Whether you're a member of my generation or not, these questions apply to you.

1. Why are you with the person you're dating/courting?  
2. What is it about them that first attracted you to them?
3. How do you usually feel when you're around them?
4. If you've ever considering breaking up with this person, why did you decide not to?

     These are only a few of the multitude of questions I could ask you about your relationship.  I believe that everyone, deep down, knows whether or not they should or shouldn't be with a certain person.  Sadly, we don't realize it because we're so focused on finding that love we dreamed about when we were younger.  We push our doubts and apprehension to the back of our minds because we're so focused on making it work with this person.  I've been guilty of it in past relationships, and I know you have too.

     Stop lying to yourself.  You need to be honest not only with yourself, but with your partner.  I often read articles about how you'll know when you've found the ONE.  These articles imply that you'll immediately know and that you'll never need to question your "love" for this person.  I'm here to tell you that it's OKAY to question your relationship.  I don't mean question in a negative way nor do I mean that you should question your relationship with your partner forever.  What I'm trying to say is that in the beginning and even several months or a year into your relationship, you should ask yourself the above questions.  You should question your own motives and expectations for the relationship.

     When I first started dating Josh, I questioned almost everything!  I'm a naturally cynical and apprehensive person.  Though there have certainly been times when I've failed to ask questions, I often continually question things until I'm confident that I've uncovered the truth.  Josh was no exception.  I was immediately attracted to his charisma, adorableness (despite the fact that he's like 10 feet tall), and his contagious, amazingly perfect laugh (you'd have to hear it).  Yet, I questioned him.  I asked him questions about himself and repeatedly asked myself if he was the right person to date or even marry.

     As the months went by in our relationship, I became more and more confident.  I became increasingly sure of the truth.  There were times when I was overly critical and negative, yet I always came back to the same conclusion, the conclusion that I still have today: Josh is the right one, not the one I'm with because I'm desperate for companionship, not the one I'm with because of his looks, not the one I'm with because it's convenient at the moment, and not the one I'm with because he wants to be with me too (although this is partially necessary for a successful relationship).  I'm with Josh because of who he is as an individual, not who he is as my boyfriend.  He is ambitious, unconditionally loving, inspirational, genuine, fun, forgiving, generous, serious when he needs to be, understanding, a real conversationalist, a listener, and a man after God's own heart.  He's not perfect, but I love him even more for it.  He doesn't think he deserves me, but in believing that he doesn't, he does.  I love him because he loves me and because he gives me so much and puts so much into our relationship, but I love him even more because of what I can do for him and how I can bless him.

     Want to know whether or not you're in the right relationship?  Ask yourself if you're getting more than you're giving in the relationship.  Ask yourself if you could honestly see yourself with this person for the rest of your lives.  If not, it's time to reevaluate and to be completely honest.

There are several things you must consider when evaluating your relationship.  They are as follows:

1. In the right relationship, you shouldn't have to hide parts of yourself from your partner.
2. You shouldn't feel the need to lie to them about your past.
3. You shouldn't fear your partner in any way.
4. You shouldn't feel constant jealousy of them or of their friends nor should they try to make you jealous.
5. You shouldn't have to change for this person.  They should accept and love you, flaws and all.
6. You should be able to trust them.
7. You shouldn't have a backup plan just in case it doesn't work out with them.  You're setting yourself up for failure that way.
8. You should be able to depend on them, but not be codependent.
9. You shouldn't dread spending time with them.
10. You shouldn't have to or want to hide the relationship from others.
11. You shouldn't be with your partner if they can never admit they're wrong and never take responsibility.
12. You shouldn't bash each other in public OR in private.
13. You should be able to go to them with your problems and know that they'll listen, love you, and try to help you.
14. You should both constantly be inspiring each other to be better and do better.
15. You shouldn't want to change who they are or what they believe (we often call this missionary dating).

     The list goes on, but these are the top things to evaluate.  If your relationship matches each of these qualifications, great!  If not, your relationship may just need a bit of work and a bit more open communication.  If your partner refuses to work with you, then it may be time to move on.  Thus far, this blog has been about making relationships work and making them better, but I refuse to lie to you and tell you that all relationships can be fixed.  We will all end up in some relationship or another that we're definitely not supposed to be in.  When this happens all we can do is move on and learn from our mistakes, difficult as that may be.

     If you're going through a breakup I encourage you to push forward and believe that God has a plan.  I encourage you to put God first in each of your future relationships and to ask questions.  Even if you're still in a dating/courting relationship, remember to make God your first priority and to ask those difficult questions.  Some of the answers may hurt, but they'll save you from making even bigger mistakes an experiencing even more heartache.  Don't be content to be the "generation of not being in love".  Refuse to conform to that social trend and instead seek true, God-inspired love.

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

 Feel free to email Josh and I with your thoughts, suggestions, or if you would like prayer or advice.  We thank you for stopping by our blog and hope you'll be back!  

Blessings!

-Marisa

 

Lose the Weight of Defeat

Even as a child, I LOVED books.  Books were and have always been a part of who I am.  I have never merely been a reader, but a dreamer, an idealist, and a visionary.  Around age 6 or 7, however, I was mostly just interested in the pictures in my mom’s “grown up” books.  One book in particular was my favorite.  You may or may not have heard of it.  Its entitled See You at the Top, and it’s written by Zig Ziglar.  I was fascinated by the clever illustrations in this book and constantly stole it from my mom’s bookshelf to leaf through its pages.  I’m pretty sure my mom knew I was only interested in the pictures.  I mean, how many 6 year olds actually read self-help books?

Anyway, a week or so ago, I found the book yet again while cleaning.  Needless to say, I cracked it open and couldn’t put it down.  I’m trying to read it slowly to absorb every bit of advice Mr. Ziglar offers his readers.  One thing really stuck out to me today as I continued reading.  In this particular section of the book, Ziglar is discussing self-image.  Referring to people with poor self-image, he states, “Since they don’t like themselves, they can’t possibly believe that a member of the opposite sex could love them above all others.”  He goes on to say that these people “can neither love nor trust their mate because they neither love nor trust themselves.”  How true that is.  Even as I type this very sentence, I struggle with a terrible self-image.  I often belittle my own talents and abilities and choose to put myself down rather than lift myself up.  It’s damaging, plain and simple.

I’m certain that many of you share in my struggle.  The journey towards self-contentment and satisfaction with one’s lot in life is a truly difficult one.  We not only have to fight our inner demons, but we have to fight against the superficial values of the society we live in.  Be sexier, be smarter, be greater, wear this, don’t wear that, lose those five pounds… We’re constantly bombarded with messages that we aren’t good enough and that we have to change some aspect (or many) of ourselves.  It’s awful!  Not only do we hurt ourselves when we hold onto our poor self-images, but we also hurt those around us, those people that love us and see us as more than enough.

Just as Ziglar said, we can’t love others and make in a difference in the world until we let go of all that’s keeping us down.  I remember playing a certain song over and over when I was younger.  It was a song by Oh Sleeper, a heavy metal Christian band.  A few lines have stuck with me from the very moment I first heard the song...

You're worth more than the cheap words.
You see your body as beauty, but your pulse is worth more.

and

Why do we keep what holds us? Why do I keep what holds me down?
Lose the weight of defeat. It's time to stand your ground.

Those words truly touched me.  They have stuck with me long past my heavy metal days.  I’m worth so much more…  Why am I holding on to what’s only holding me down?  Why am I allowing myself to be crushed by the weight of defeat?  By the lies that tell me I’m not enough? 

Though it’s easier said than done, we can’t allow the weight of defeat to hold us down.  Josh is always telling me that we are victors in Christ, never victims.  It’s so simple, yet so hard to listen to sometimes.  When we are at our lowest, we tend to dwell in our misery, preferring to stay there rather than listen to words of encouragement.  What we don’t realize is that we’re only hurting ourselves further.  Only when we recognize our worth in Christ can we finally make progress towards changing our negative views towards ourselves.  I’m still trying!  I take steps forward and steps back, but I’m always moving further forward, bit by bit.

However, it wasn’t until I read that quote today in Ziglar’s book that I realized that my struggle with self-image doesn’t just affect me.  It affects Josh as well.  The more I cling to my negative views of myself, the more I hurt myself and my relationship with Josh.  In order for me to fully love and trust Josh like he loves and trusts me, I have to let go of the poor self-image and shake off the weight of defeat.  I can’t take steps forward if I’m constantly having to carry unnecessary weight.

In all our relationships, we have to first learn to love ourselves before we can love those around us.  After all, how can we extend unconditional love and acceptance towards others if we can’t do the same for ourselves?  Can we give what we don’t have?  The answer to both of those questions is obviously no.  If we aren’t happy and content with ourselves, we can’t be truly happy and content with others. 

From this ENTIRE post, if there’s only a few pieces of advice you take away, let it be the these:

1. Take an honest look at your self-image 
2. If your self-image is poor, try to eliminate negative thoughts and focus on at least three things each day that you do well or three things about yourself that you like (I KNOW you can think of at least three) 
3. Surround yourself with positive people that build you up rather than tear you down or belittle you 
4. Discuss your struggle with your spouse or significant other so that they too can help you 
5. Research the meaning of love and focus on extending it not only to yourself, but to your partner, family, friends, and coworkers 
6. Keep a journal or write a blog!  Not only is it therapeutic, but it is a healthy and highly recommended outlet for your thoughts, feelings, and prayers.

 If you have any recommendations to add to this list or if you'd like to share your thoughts on self-image, feel free to comment or email us at Showinghearts@gmail.com.

Great Expectations: How the Past and Childhood Influence Our Thoughts Toward Marriage

Expectations drive our lives and our decisions. Everyday during the week I am expected to get to my internship at 8 am. I expect there to be traffic on my commute to work. I expect to be very tired when I return from work. Many of us even have expectations for some of the most minor things in our lives, like what we are going to eat for dinner.

Expectations are important because they influence our decisions and our reactions toward expected and unexpected events. If something happens according to our expectations, we are satisfied. However, if things don't work out as planned, sometimes we can become extremely disgruntled, angry, frustrated, or sad. Since expectations have such a large influence on our lives and decisions, the primary focuses of premarital counseling are the expectations each partner has about marriage and married life.

People normally have various expectations about what their marriage will be like. If you ask most unmarried men, many will tell you that they expect to have frequent sex with their wife when they are married. Some women may have the expectation that their husband will be the primary bread-winner for the family.

Are expectations an unneeded weight our your
relationships's shoulders? Source

Expectations can also be influenced from our past and our childhood. For the children of divorced parents, like myself, there is the expectation that their marriage will be better and communication in their marriage will be better than their parents' marriage. (If not, we'd all remain single.) By the same token, children of parents with a near perfect marriage may expect to have a fairytale marriage with minimal problems. For children of controlling parents, they may assume their spouse will be controlling, impacting their intimacy and communication with their spouse.

Since I am potentially interested in doing Marriage and Family Counseling as a career (and since I want to have a good marriage), I've been reading a book released by Focus on the Family titled The First Five Years of Marriage -- Launching a Lifelong, Successful Relationship. This book has some of the most valuable and understandable advice on common marriage issues and it's a must read for all couples looking to marry or newly married. The First Five Years of Marriage has a chapter called "Why Isn't Marriage the Way I Thought it Would Be?" Sadly, this is a question many couples outside of the honeymoon stage are asking because marriage is not the fairytale the media portrays it to be.

This chapter in the book raises the point that many times the expectations couples have about their marriage are focused on what "their marriage will be like, not what they want their marriage to be like." If we embrace the belief that we want our marriage to be a certain way, that implies that we must work to make it that way. Things do not magically fall into place and you can be guaranteed that your marriage will have problems. The author of this chapter warns us that our expectations "might be slightly off target, but they could be early warning signs about issues that will cause more trouble if you don't resolve them."

So how do we adjust our expectations from what our marriage will be like to what we want our marriage to be like? There are two steps:

1. Recognize that marriage is a call to selflessly serving your spouse.
2. Read and follow God's word for what He wants your marriage to be like.

Marriage is not easy and it takes this servant attitude and a desire to follow God's word to make it truly successful. Through reading and meditation on God's word, we can grow to truly understand God's call to us in marriage to live more like Christ. A successful marriage is learned, not inherited. We must learn to listen, encourage, serve, and unconditionally love our mate. 

I am by no means perfect or all-knowing when it comes to marriage advice, and Marisa and I are not married yet. We are, however, trying to grow together and we invite you to join in our journey. If you have had a successful marriage in Christ and want to share your testimony and wisdom with us, we would love to hear from you. Also, if you have questions or want either of us to address a specific topic about marriage, young marriage, courtship, or any Christian dating topic, we also would love to honor your requests. Please email us any time at showinghearts@blogspot.com. 

God bless you!