A Generation of Not Being in Love

     While listening to one of my Pandora music stations the other day, a Drake song come on that really made me stop and think.  Now let me preface the rest of this post by saying that I'm not a fan of most rappers or their derogative music.  However, this one particular song caught my attention.  After I got over my initial surprise at who this song was being sung by, I stopped and listened to the lyrics.  What I heard was even more surprising and hit so close to home.

     The opening lyrics talk about the unfortunate end of a relationship and how it's not the end of the world.  Normal enough.  Then came the chorus and second verse, which was what blew me away.  In the chorus, Drake talks about how staying in the relationship and pretending that all is fine is the wrong thing to do.  He then goes on to sing, "We live in a generation of not being in love and not being together // But we sure make it feel like we're together // Cause we're scared to see each other with somebody else."  That was the line that hit home for me.  It describes my generation perfectly.  So often I've watched as couples fight and break up, make up and get back together, all because it's comfortable or convenient.  It's so sad and discouraging.

     This is my generation, "a generation of not being in love and not being together."  It looks pretty hopeless at times.  As I mentioned in my previous post, my generation is disillusioned with false expectations of love and relationships, never quite understanding the true meaning behind love, never looking to our Heavenly Father as a divine example.  

     If you're in a dating/courting relationship right now, I have a few questions for you.  Whether you're a member of my generation or not, these questions apply to you.

1. Why are you with the person you're dating/courting?  
2. What is it about them that first attracted you to them?
3. How do you usually feel when you're around them?
4. If you've ever considering breaking up with this person, why did you decide not to?

     These are only a few of the multitude of questions I could ask you about your relationship.  I believe that everyone, deep down, knows whether or not they should or shouldn't be with a certain person.  Sadly, we don't realize it because we're so focused on finding that love we dreamed about when we were younger.  We push our doubts and apprehension to the back of our minds because we're so focused on making it work with this person.  I've been guilty of it in past relationships, and I know you have too.

     Stop lying to yourself.  You need to be honest not only with yourself, but with your partner.  I often read articles about how you'll know when you've found the ONE.  These articles imply that you'll immediately know and that you'll never need to question your "love" for this person.  I'm here to tell you that it's OKAY to question your relationship.  I don't mean question in a negative way nor do I mean that you should question your relationship with your partner forever.  What I'm trying to say is that in the beginning and even several months or a year into your relationship, you should ask yourself the above questions.  You should question your own motives and expectations for the relationship.

     When I first started dating Josh, I questioned almost everything!  I'm a naturally cynical and apprehensive person.  Though there have certainly been times when I've failed to ask questions, I often continually question things until I'm confident that I've uncovered the truth.  Josh was no exception.  I was immediately attracted to his charisma, adorableness (despite the fact that he's like 10 feet tall), and his contagious, amazingly perfect laugh (you'd have to hear it).  Yet, I questioned him.  I asked him questions about himself and repeatedly asked myself if he was the right person to date or even marry.

     As the months went by in our relationship, I became more and more confident.  I became increasingly sure of the truth.  There were times when I was overly critical and negative, yet I always came back to the same conclusion, the conclusion that I still have today: Josh is the right one, not the one I'm with because I'm desperate for companionship, not the one I'm with because of his looks, not the one I'm with because it's convenient at the moment, and not the one I'm with because he wants to be with me too (although this is partially necessary for a successful relationship).  I'm with Josh because of who he is as an individual, not who he is as my boyfriend.  He is ambitious, unconditionally loving, inspirational, genuine, fun, forgiving, generous, serious when he needs to be, understanding, a real conversationalist, a listener, and a man after God's own heart.  He's not perfect, but I love him even more for it.  He doesn't think he deserves me, but in believing that he doesn't, he does.  I love him because he loves me and because he gives me so much and puts so much into our relationship, but I love him even more because of what I can do for him and how I can bless him.

     Want to know whether or not you're in the right relationship?  Ask yourself if you're getting more than you're giving in the relationship.  Ask yourself if you could honestly see yourself with this person for the rest of your lives.  If not, it's time to reevaluate and to be completely honest.

There are several things you must consider when evaluating your relationship.  They are as follows:

1. In the right relationship, you shouldn't have to hide parts of yourself from your partner.
2. You shouldn't feel the need to lie to them about your past.
3. You shouldn't fear your partner in any way.
4. You shouldn't feel constant jealousy of them or of their friends nor should they try to make you jealous.
5. You shouldn't have to change for this person.  They should accept and love you, flaws and all.
6. You should be able to trust them.
7. You shouldn't have a backup plan just in case it doesn't work out with them.  You're setting yourself up for failure that way.
8. You should be able to depend on them, but not be codependent.
9. You shouldn't dread spending time with them.
10. You shouldn't have to or want to hide the relationship from others.
11. You shouldn't be with your partner if they can never admit they're wrong and never take responsibility.
12. You shouldn't bash each other in public OR in private.
13. You should be able to go to them with your problems and know that they'll listen, love you, and try to help you.
14. You should both constantly be inspiring each other to be better and do better.
15. You shouldn't want to change who they are or what they believe (we often call this missionary dating).

     The list goes on, but these are the top things to evaluate.  If your relationship matches each of these qualifications, great!  If not, your relationship may just need a bit of work and a bit more open communication.  If your partner refuses to work with you, then it may be time to move on.  Thus far, this blog has been about making relationships work and making them better, but I refuse to lie to you and tell you that all relationships can be fixed.  We will all end up in some relationship or another that we're definitely not supposed to be in.  When this happens all we can do is move on and learn from our mistakes, difficult as that may be.

     If you're going through a breakup I encourage you to push forward and believe that God has a plan.  I encourage you to put God first in each of your future relationships and to ask questions.  Even if you're still in a dating/courting relationship, remember to make God your first priority and to ask those difficult questions.  Some of the answers may hurt, but they'll save you from making even bigger mistakes an experiencing even more heartache.  Don't be content to be the "generation of not being in love".  Refuse to conform to that social trend and instead seek true, God-inspired love.

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

 Feel free to email Josh and I with your thoughts, suggestions, or if you would like prayer or advice.  We thank you for stopping by our blog and hope you'll be back!  

Blessings!

-Marisa

 

The L-Word

     "One of the great ironies of life is that we treat 'love' like a dirty word and then act surprised when people give themselves to anyone and everyone because they don't know what true 'love' is."  Surprisingly, I came up with this quote myself just the other day.  I don't even remember what I was doing.  It just suddenly came to me, like God had placed it on my heart.  Turn on the news, and you'll see just how true it.
   
     From celebrity marriages that barely last a month to the fluctuating (but always problematic) rate of teen pregnancy, it's clear that modern society is struggling with the true definition of "love".  Many refuse to even believe in its existence.  Think about some of the most popular songs on the radio today.  What are they about?  More than likely, they're about love, specifically lost love or destroyed love.  These songs most often mesh sex and love together, blurring the lines between the two until they seem almost synonymous.  But they're not, are they?  Yet, modern society has brainwashed us, most notably the Millennial Generation, into believing that they are one in the same.

     Therein lies the problem.  We no longer know what true love is.  We treat "love" like a dirty word, belittling it as if it's a disease, treating it as if it's shameful.  We have become so focused on denouncing love and criticizing those who profess to have found it, that we've forgotten to focus on what love IS.  It's no wonder that my generation, the Millennials, are so disillusioned.  How are we expected to know what love is if we've never been taught?  We're like blind men stumbling around in the dark, not knowing which way to turn.  For example, look at teenage pregnancy.  According to the Office of Adolescent Health, 305,420 babies were born to girls between the ages of 15 and 19, with 89% of these births occurring outside of marriage.  This was in 2013 alone!  And that number doesn't even include the abortions that took place.

     Clearly, my generation still believes in love, but hasn't quite figured out the true meaning behind it.  We have equated sex with love, thinking that the first will bring us the latter.  But that's never the case.  More often than not, my generation pays dearly for this mistake.  Even marriage doesn't solve this issue.  Marriage and love no longer go hand in hand.  While the two are by no means synonymous, love is sometimes not even a factor in marriage, though it is vital.  Today, many marriages are solely built upon such things as loneliness, the need for financial stability, the need for emotional stability, or even convenience. I'm not saying that the aforementioned items aren't important, but apart from love, they cheapen the value and sanctity of marriage.  Just look at the divorce rates!  Though not all divorces are due to a lack of love within the marriage, many surprisingly are.  People enter into marriage thinking they've got love all figured out, only to realize down the road that they never truly loved the person they married.  This may hit close to home for some of you, and I'm deeply saddened if it does.

     Some of you may be going through a breakup or a divorce right now, wondering how you even got to this place.  Some of you may be blaming yourselves for what happened.  If you are, I encourage you to stop.  If you earnestly tried to make your relationship work, gave it your all, but just couldn't find the "love" you once had for that person, stop beating yourself up.  Stop dwelling on the past and punishing yourself because you think what happened is all your fault.  Stop feeling like something's wrong with you because there's nothing wrong with you.  There's something severely wrong with our society.  Like me, you've probably never been taught what true love is.  Like me, you've probably been told, You're too young to understand love.  Never say you're in love.  Just date around.  Your relationships will all end anyway.  Why commit?  You'll just end up breaking up or getting divorced.  You're too naive.  You're too young to know what you want.  If you've given in to these lies, you're not alone.  We've been told by society that love either doesn't exist or been told that it is something that it's not.  So how can you blame yourself?  How can you give something (e.g. love) to someone if you don't even know what it is?  You simply can't.

     So what is true love?  Does it exist or is all hope lost?  I assure you that all hope is not lost.  You may have given in to lies before, but you no longer have to.  You can be set free.  In the pursuit of true love, we often forget about our heavenly Father and His unconditional love.  We forget to mirror our love after His.  1 John 4:7-8 says, "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.  Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love."  As children of the most high God, we are called to accept one another and love just as He loved us.  As it says in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8,  

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance ... love will last forever!"

     Does your love measure up to this standard?  I know that mine hasn't always.  I'm often guilty of forgetting one or two of these characteristics of love.  As a result, my love has sometimes been very conditional.  When I first started dating Josh, I thought I knew what love was.  I thought I had it all nailed down.  However, I quickly realized how wrong I was.  My love for Josh didn't always measure up to God's standards.  I often demanded my own way or lost faith or came close to giving up.  Fortunately, Josh was God's instrument.  God used him to show me what true love is all about.  He used Josh to show me that love does exist and that it goes beyond any of the lies I've been force-fed by society.  What started out as casual dating, turned into something so much more.  It became meaningful dating, courtship if you will.  And if you haven't found somebody that exemplifies love or if you're still trying to reach God's standard of true love, I encourage you to keep pushing forward.  You are a victor, never a victim.  Will you listen to God's truth or to the lies of society?

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As always, I thank you for visiting our blog and taking the time to read our posts.  It is my sincere hope that you are able to take something away.  Feel free to email us at Showinghearts@gmail.com.  We look forward to hearing from you!

Blessings!

--Marisa