Don't Let the "Aphids" Destroy Your Relationship

As I was scrolling through the blog today, I realized that Josh and I never explained the meaning behind the title nor did we explain the role that it plays in our lives.  For starters, Showing Hearts was completely Josh's idea.  We like to read the Bible together, trade verses, or read relationship books together.  Yet, a blog wasn't something I had truly considered until he brought the idea to me.  And it was one of the best decisions we've made.  Now, as for the title, that was more my idea.  You would think that choosing a title for the blog would be the easiest part.  Not so!  After we threw around several titles, I finally came up with the perfect one.  At the time, I was listening to the song All of Me by John Legend.  Towards the end of the song he sings, "Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts.  Risking it all, though it's hard."  That's when it came to me.  Showing Hearts!  It was perfect, and Josh completely agreed.  As stated in the lyrics, both of our cards are on the table and they're showing hearts.  It's often hard to share the deepest part of yourself with someone else, let alone on a blog!  Yet, that's exactly what we're doing.  We're showing our hearts.  We're allowing ourselves to be open and vulnerable.  And we don't regret it.

As for the role that the blog plays in our lives, it has become an outlet for our innermost thoughts, a place where both Josh and I could share our "uncensored" thoughts on life, love, courtship, and marriage.  We've chosen not to promote the blog via our personal social media accounts because we'd prefer it to remain a relatively personal and private outlet through which we can express ourselves without potential scrutiny and criticism from our more negative, doubting friend group.  If, down the line, some of our friends and loved ones happen to stumble upon it, we hope it will be a blessing to them.

Source

Too often in life, there are people that criticize your every move and try to shove their negativity down your throat.  Maybe these people are your  siblings, your close friends, or even your parents or guardians.  It's like no matter what you do, you're wrong (in their eyes, at least).  You don't know anything.  Who are you to talk?  Why should I even listen to you?  You're too young.  You're just going to fail anyway.  They may not explicitly say these things, but believe me, they are implied.  I like to compare these people to a tiny but lethal bug known as an aphid.  For those of you who don't know, aphids are tiny insects that are the bane of every gardener's existence.  These creatures like to plant themselves (pun intended) on roses, honeysuckles, and any flowering foliage.  They latch onto the plants and don't let go until they have literally sucked the life out of said plant, leaving only deformed leaves and flowers in its wake.

I'm sorry to say that there are people in our lives who can act much like these treacherous aphids.  Whether consciously or subconsciously, these people cut you down, belittle your talents and abilities, and try to set you up for failure.  There are people that especially try to do this to your relationship or marriage.  It's destined to fail.  You'll never make it.  Just give up now.  Like I said, it's most often implied.  They (or you!) may not realize it, but much like the aphids, they're crippling you or your relationship.

If possible, it's best to either completely ignore their negativity or if that's too difficult, you may need to reconsider your relationship with these people.  That being said, I don't think it's always wise to try to cut these people out of your live.  Oftentimes, they don't even realize that what they are doing is hurtful and negative.  Instead of blowing up in their faces or trying to prove them wrong, it's best to trust in God's will and know that He has great things planned for you, regardless of the criticism you may face.  After all, is there anyone that knows more than God?  Is there anyone that can tell you what you can and can't accomplish or what your future will hold?  No one but the Almighty knows and what He places upon your heart is for you only.  

Personally, I know that I am guilty of acting or speaking negatively, quite often in fact!  At times, I inadvertently become the aphid, choosing to focus on harsh criticism and dwell in my discouragement.  When this happens, Josh repeatedly has to remind me to readjust my focus.  The same is true for others.  Sometimes we just have to remind them to readjust their own perspectives.

Though Josh and I have had problems and have faced our fair share of criticism, we've learned not to let it faze us.  We like to let the criticism challenge us and strengthen our resolve and commitment to each other.  While the "aphids" in our lives may threaten to destroy what we've worked for, we always remind ourselves to put God first and rely on Him as our primary source of strength.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We hope that you've been enjoying our posts and will continue following us on our journey.  Thank you for each of the wonderful emails that you've sent us and for allowing us to be vulnerable and show our hearts without restraint.  Feel free to contact us at Showinghearts@gmail.com if you have any suggestions for future posts, if you'd like advice, or if you need prayer.  We look forward to hearing from you!
 






 

"Chunking" your Commitment!

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. --Lao Tzu--

Marriage is a journey that has a definite destination. The goal of marriage is to bring couples fulfillment by learning to love and live together like how Christ loves the church. The ultimate destination of marriage is reaching a place where both spouses are Christ-like servants to first and foremost one another and then to those around them, including their families, friends, and co-workers.

Like any journey, marriages have twists and unforeseen obstacles that make reaching our goal of a "perfect" and Christ-filled marriage difficult. Pains from the past, unforeseen loss, and financial burdens are just some of the circumstances that can cause people to quit this journey because they lose sight on their destination and are too weighed down by hurt and fear. People have preconceived notions that marriage should be easy and always "perfect" and romantic. When negative events shake our lives, we lose footing on this false preconception.

At times, a "perfect" marriage may seem impossible to achieve. That's because it is.

Marriage is a process--a journey--and like any journey, the only way to take it is one step at a time. It can be very overwhelming if you and your spouse make a commitment to have a "perfect" marriage that we know already does not exist in the romanticized way we think it does. We know our ultimate goal is to near perfection, but we may not know how to get there.

I love this quote and image! Source

Marisa's post yesterday on how to overcome addictions and baggage got me thinking about how we approach goals in general in our lives. The way many addicts (and people with other goals) approach their ultimate goal of being freed from their addiction, whatever it may be, is by saying "NO" to temptation one day at a time. To a sex addict, an alcoholic, or a chronic smoker, saying "NO" for a lifetime is extremely overwhelming, and the consequences for failure seem far more steep. Addicts who try to cold-turkey their addiction and don't make each day a step in their recovery but instead try to make their whole life a promise of freedom will binge on their addiction the minute they fail. Instead, if we fail on saying "NO" to an addiction for a day, we only have failed that day, not our entire lives (past or future). Addicts who use each day as a "step" will not binge if they slip.

People are overburdened by the notion that their entire marriage and family life has to be perfect. It never will be perfect, so if you believe your entire marriage ought to be perfect, you need to remove that false idea right now from your mind. Your marriage can (and will) be near perfect if you put in the work that the journey requires and, like addiction recovery, use each day as a step to reach your goal of a marriage that is in the perfect image of God's love. God is perfect and God is love. The reason why God's sacrament, marriage is imperfect is because people are imperfect, not God or marriage!

If the idea of having a near-perfect or perfect marriage seems overwhelming, "chunk" your commitment! 

Use each and every day in your marriage as a step in your journey to complete marital fulfillment. Commit to having the best marriage you can have today! I'm asking for 24 hours (more like 16 if you sleep 8 like me). Use each and every waking hour to tell your partner how much you love them, to show them what it means to love like Christ loves us, and to make sure your partner's every need is met. That's all I want. You'll find that after making the commitment to have the best marriage you can have today, tomorrow you can do the same thing. And the next day, and so on! Your life and marriage will become so amazingly blessed by chunking your ultimate goal into something far more manageable!

Lao Tzu was absolutely right in saying the longest journey starts with one step! Are you willing to take the first step and commit to make your marriage the most Christ-like it can be today?

Marisa and I sincerely hope that our posts and advice blesses you. We are by no means experts on marriage, dating, courtship, or Christian living, but we are trying to learn and grow! We always welcome comments, advice, questions, and testimonies on our blog by commenting below or you can reach us at showinghearts@gmail.com.

God bless you and I look forward to seeing what "chunking" your commitment can do for you and your marriage!

Forgiveness: Christ Commands us to to not Cast our 'Stones' at our Sinning Mate

Disappointment is inevitable in marriage and in life. One way or another, people will let you down. The severity of disappointment often varies by offense. Your spouse can let you down by mocking you and being a bad communicator, or they can disappoint you by committing infidelity which msn.com lists as the #3 reason couples get divorced. No matter how disappointed you are by your spouse, if you want to continue your relationship and live according to Christ's plan, it is critical to be in a place where you can forgive them and work towards restitution.

I think most married people would agree that one of the greatest offenses their spouse could commit (and the hardest to forgive) is infidelity. For people already struggling with insecurity or feelings of low self worth, the blow from infidelity can be almost unbearable. However, whether it be infidelity or any other offense, the hardest thing to rebuild after committing a serious sin against your spouse is trust.

Rebuilding trust and moving forward from any offense requires the commitment of both spouses. It requires the offending spouse to realize what they did was wrong and that they have the desire to repent and change from their ways. For the offended spouse, it is key to learn to forgive and work forward like Christ commands.

Whenever I've been hurt by Marisa in the past, I always tried focus on the lesson learned through Christ's forgiveness of the woman caught in the act of adultery in John 8. In the time of the Pharisees, the "law of Moses commanded [the people] to stone" women caught in the act of adultery (John 8:5). The punishment for this act wasn't just a separation from her husband (like it is so often today), but her brutal execution by her neighbors.

Christ forgave the woman caught in the
act of adultery! He encourages us to forgive
one another an give grace freely. Source

The people in this story were preparing to stone the woman for her sin, fulfilling the punishment that the law commanded. Sometimes we use our own stones from our hurt and pain to "stone" our mate. Even if you do not terminate the relationship, your words and actions can sometimes result in the spiritual death of your mate, causing your mate to be suffocated by so much grief and guilt for what they did.

Instead of stoning our spouse, we need to drop the stone and come to their aid, no matter how hard it seems. Christ protected this adulterous woman, proclaiming to the crowd "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her," (John 8:5). The crowd left from the oldest to the youngest, realizing that nobody was without sin and that nobody deserved to stone her for what she did.

You have NO right to "stone" your spouse for what they did to you, no matter how bad you are hurt. If you want to work forward from whatever transgression occurred, you must embrace the forgiveness of Christ and extend it to your spouse, realizing that the forgiveness and grace you are giving to your spouse is the very same forgiveness and grace Christ has given all of us.

Forgiving your spouse and working towards restitution are two different things. Forgiveness only involves yourself... it is your choice and it helps you! Working towards restitution means that your spouse is actively interested in forsaking their past sin and moving forward. Christ told the woman that he "does not condemn her," but also "to go and sin no more."

The blessing of grace is the gift of a another chance. Christ has given us a second chance. Lay your hurt at the foot of the cross, pray, and extend the love of God to your sinning spouse in the same way Christ forgave the adulterous woman... the same way he forgives us and gives us grace.

I was inspired to write today's post when I flipped open my copy of The First Five Years of Marriage  to a chapter entitled "How Can I get my Spouse to Forgive Me?" The answer to this question is that you really cannot force your spouse to forgive you, but encourage them to forgive. One couple that experienced the pain of infidelity told the author of this chapter that the following scripture was central to their recovery from the affair:

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice: And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:31-32). 

Forgiveness is a process, and it takes time. This author from Focus on the Family gives us 4 points to remember when going through the process of forgiving our spouse (or anyone, for that matter):

1. Recognize that forgiveness is a process
2. Realize that fear can be a barrier to forgiveness
3. Seek outside guidance (e.g. a counselor)
4. Be honest with yourself 

Forgiveness and restitution can be the most rewarding experiences in growing your relationship as a couple and growing your relationship with Christ. Marisa and I have both hurt and disappointed one another multiple times. However, by following Christ's commandment to forgive, Marisa and I have deepened our love greatly for each other and nurtured our relationship with Christ. By extending Christ's forgiveness and grace to your spouse, you can truly learn what it means and how awesome it is that we are forgiven and unconditionally loved by God! 

Have you been hurt by something your spouse has done? Have you overcame disappointment through forgiveness and grace? As always, Marisa and I love to hear what you have been through in your relationship and walk with Christ! We encourage you to comment on our posts or email us at showing hearts@gmail.com with your testimony, questions, and points of discussion.

God bless you, and I hope you have an amazing weekend!

Accepting One Another

     You want to know one of the things I love most about Josh?  The fact that he ACCEPTS me.  He has always accepted me just as I am, quirks and all.  But he doesn't accept me in spite of of my quirks.  He accepts and loves me because of them, because they are as much a part of me as my hands and feet.

     In so many relationships, couples simply learn to put up with each other's quirks and habits.  This is fine for short term relationships, but in the long term, it becomes problematic.  You see, when we merely put up with our significant other's habits, we aren't loving them as are.  We aren't valuing their unique personality.  Thus, our love is somewhat conditional.  It's like saying, "Honey, I love you except for the fact that you (insert habit here)."  This is fine and dandy if you're not looking for any kind of serious commitment, but in long term relationships, it simply won't work.

     I'm not saying that you have to love your partner's habit of leaving trails of socks or speaking with his or her mouth full of food.  What I am saying is that it is vital to love your partner for who they are.  Their unusual or quirky habits are what make them who they are just as your habits make you who you are.  My mom used to quote, "Watch your habits, for they become character."  How right she was!  Our habits are what reveal our character.  The boyfriend or husband that leaves his socks everywhere has probably always been more of a laid-back kind of guy, and there's nothing wrong with that!  It's simply who he is.

     Sure, you may wish he didn't leave his socks everywhere, but it's important to remember that he's still the same laid-back guy you fell in love with, perhaps just a bit more laid-back than before.  Of course, if his sock habit bugs you, there's also nothing wrong with calmly confronting him about it and constantly reminding him to put his socks where they belong.  Obviously, it's easier said than done, but it's something that we should all strive for in our relationships.  After all, clear, calm communication exists in every healthy, thriving relationship.  

     Like all couples, Josh and I can get pretty impatient with each other at times.  Yet, we are always pushing forward and strengthening our lines of communication.  We are always striving to unconditionally accept and love each other.  Every now and then, I'll ask Josh something like "What if I got this pierced?" or "What if I dyed my hair this color?"  Most guys would probably flip out or criticize me.  Not Josh.  He has always responded in love.  He'll tell me his thoughts first and then make it clear that my decisions are my own and he'll support and love me no matter what.  If that's not unconditional love, I don't know what is.

     Once, when I "dyed" my hair with blue hair chalk, I actually shocked Josh.  At first, he didn't know what to say about my blue streaked hair.  Finally, he told me that he had loved my natural hair color as it was, but said that my new blue streaks would probably grow on him and that I had beautiful hair no matter what color it was.  Another time, I got another piercing on one of my ears, which also surprised Josh, but he told me that the more he looked at me and my new piercing, the more he actually like it.  He's even told me that it looks cute on me because it's become a part of me.

     I used these examples to give you a clear idea of what I mean when I say that it is important for couples to accept and love each other's uniqueness.  Though Josh may not always agree with what I say and do, he always makes it perfectly clear that he loves me for ME.  He doesn't just love me when I agree with him nor does he just love me and put up with my quirks.  He loves me completely and unconditionally, just as I love him.

Ephesians 4:2

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Lessons from "The Vow"

     If you were to ask me what one of my favorite chick flicks is, I'd have to say "The Vow", a movie inspired by a true story.  The story centers around Leo and Paige, a married couple who get in a serious car accident that leaves Paige with no memory of the last five years of her life, including all memory of her husband.  Throughout the remainder of the movie, Leo not only attempts to help his wife recover her memory, but also tries to win her heart for the second time. *SPOILER ALERT* Paige never does recover her memory of Leo, but she does gradually falls in love with him again, after which the couple is reunited for good.

     When I first saw this movie several months ago, I was touched.  Not often do you see Hollywood producing chick flicks of such quality.  Most usually revolve around sex, alcohol, drugs, or money (or all of the above).  Yet, "The Vow" is a movie that reminds you that true love is powerful.  It reminds you that marriage isn't just a wedding and eloquent vows.  Marriage is commitment, perseverance, and forgiveness.  In the movie, Leo remains committed to Paige no matter how many times she spurns him and his attempts to remind her of her vows.  He continually perseveres, doing whatever it takes to win her heart again.  Most beautiful of all, Leo never lets his wife's coldness make him forget his own vows to her.  On several occasions, Paige makes it clear that she wants nothing to do with him.  Nevertheless, Leo forgives her behavior time and time again, always remembering the woman she was and the woman he knows she can be.

     While Leo and Paige's story is certainly unique, it reminds me of my own relationship with Josh.  We've gone through our ups and downs just like any couple, but we've always managed to find our way back to each other.  In rough times, we've chosen to dwell on the happy memories we've shared over these last nine months.  In the past, Josh, like Leo, has often had to fight to keep our relationship alive.  He's had to persevere and fight for my heart.  While I'd like to say that I've been the model girlfriend and stood by Josh's side through the thick and thin, I'd be lying.  At one point, I'd sunk so deep into my apathy that I cared little for our relationship and little for myself.  I believed every lie I was fed by the world and allowed myself to temporarily forget who I was.

     Yet, even when I'd given up on myself, Josh never gave up on me.  I'd pull away, and he would pull me back.  At my lowest point, he picked me up, dusted me off, and helped me get moving in the right direction.  Though I'd hurt Josh with my behavior more than once, he never failed to forgive me and continually reminded me not of my many faults, but of who I am and what I have the potential to be.

     So, as you can see, our story is a bit like Leo and Paige's.  Our story hasn't always been sunshine and rainbows, and it has NEVER been without its fair share of trials.  Contrary to what outsiders might perceive, our relationship  has been marked by pitfalls, pain, and apathy.  At times, it's nearly been stretched to its limit.  Even so, something always brings us back.  Something always reminds us of why we fell in love in the first place, and that something has always been God.  When Josh or I have fallen short, He's given us strength to persevere and the strength to love each other through it all.  There have been times when I've felt unlovable and acted in a manner that wouldn't encourage anyone to love me, but Josh has always managed to somehow see past the facades I've thrown up.  He's ripped down these facades and loved me despite my faults.  And that's really the message of "The Vow" isn't it?  Unconditional love, commitment, perseverance, and forgiveness.

A Lesson from The Princess Bride on Marriage

"Mawwiage. Mawwiage is bwings us togevah today!"

When it comes to the best movie marriage scenes of all time, this one from The Princess Bride (based off of William Goldman's book) takes the cake. It's hilarious, but more importantly the movie has an overall message about "mawwiage" that I think is really important: your fiancée does not need to be perfect or wealthy, but a person of character. 

http://goldenbookwyrm.files.wordpress.com

If you haven't seen this great movie, I would highly recommend you watch it at some point. I'll give you a brief summary of the movie so you get my point in case you haven't seen it. The story of the movie, read from a book by a grandfather to his grandson, tells the tale of Wesley and Buttercup, a young farm couple that is madly in love. Buttercup is stunningly gorgeous and Wesley decides he must go to America to find his fortune so he can provide for Buttercup and their future family. After years of separation while Wesley is trying to earn his fortune, Buttercup eventually comes to believe that Wesley is dead and she is coerced into marrying the evil Prince Humperdinck so he can ascend the throne. Wesley returns from abroad to rescue the princess from the prince, but in the process she is kidnapped by another group of men who Wesley, under the alias of the "Dread Pirate Roberts," follows until he can save her.

After Wesley's true identity is revealed to Buttercup, the prince and his assistant, the "six-fingered man," are able to capture the pair. The prince plans to marry Buttercup and she makes him agree to release Wesley, but the prince and his assistant keep Wesley hostage and torture him to death. Wesley is eventually revived and with the help of two of the outlaws who kidnapped Buttercup the trio is able storm the castle and interrupt the wedding. Wesley saves Buttercup from nearly committing suicide because of the marriage to the prince and the two ride off into the sunset.

Ok... so marriage isn't exactly "riding off into the sunset," but I think some of the messages in this movie are interesting and warrant some attention. Parts of the plot reflect society's expectations and qualifications for marriage, while other parts contradict these qualifications and say that true love, character, and commitment trumps all.

Wesley's sacrifice at the beginning of the story to leave Buttercup behind to make a fortune is admirable and an enormous sacrifice. Sacrifice is key to any marriage's success. This is part of the message that Wesley gives viewers, but I think his choice also reflects societal expectations. Instead of being with the love of his life and making a mediocre living as a farmhand, Wesley wants to pursue and amass a fortune before he can be with Buttercup. This is a BIG problem society has regarding the "qualifications" for a married couple. Married couples should be able to be financially independent of their parents, as commanded in the Bible when it says men and women become one after "cleaving" ties to their parents. That does not mean the couple has to be rich or "well-establihsed" in their career. The biggest objection many parents and many other people have with young marriage is that the couple isn't financially prepared because they don't have the wealth to marry. Buttercup sends a huge message by rejecting the wealth of Prince Humperdinck in favor of pursuing her true love. She is engaged to marry the prince, but knows that despite the fact that she and Wesley are poor, the love that they have is real and not something that she needs to fake. Society, unfortunately, places too much emphasis on the financial ability of potential couples and not their character.

The character of a couple is not assessed as a qualification for marriage by many members of society. Like we discussed, many people think that finances are critical to having a happy marriage. I, however, think character is far more important of a qualification. If a couple has the right character, the finances are unimportant because they will work hard to make ends meat and they will not forsake each other in financial hardship. Whenever I talk with people about the idea of getting married young (for me or for them), they often tell me that they are not ready and not sure when they will be. I am not saying that Wesley and Buttercup are 'great' example of character, but I would still say Wesley's dedication to return and rescue Buttercup after nearly 5 years and Buttercup's dedication to still love Wesley say something for the power of character and commitment. However, true character and commitment is a lot more than what Hollywood portrays.

Ted Cunningham discusses the importance of character in his book, Young and In Love (which I highly recommend you read). Cunningham says that character is the most important trait anyone should consider in their potential mate or in the validity of their child or friend's desire to get married at a young age. Character assessment in pre-marriage reflections should consider these characteristics: the person's relationship with God, the person's maturity, the person's selflessness, and the person's commitment. 

1. Relationship with God: Is God a priority in the person's life? How long have they been a Christian? Do they have a story of how they came to God? Do they have a testimony? Do they pray? Do they want to raise kids with God's word? Do they attend church regularly and good to additional fellowship groups? These are all important questions you should consider before marrying anyone, young or old. A person's relationship with God can determine how they will act in all aspects of marriage.
2. Maturity: Is the person working or willing to get a job soon? Do they act responsibly? Do they manage money responsibly and budget? Do they live within their means? Is partying or having fun more important than commitments to God, the church, school, or their family? These are just a few questions you can ask of your potential mate to gage their maturity. Your heart will lead you on what is and is not an appropriate level of maturity. 
3. Selflessness: Is the person willing to sacrifice for you and your future family? Are they willing to give up some "dreams" to be with you? Do they get angry at you easily or frustrated easily? Are they more concerned with having fun and doing things their way than meeting your needs or doing things that are important to you? Again, these need to be thought about seriously because if your mate is not selfless I do not care how old they are, they ARE NOT ready to marry. 
4. Commitment: Have they had the opportunity to prove their commitment to you by working through tough circumstances with you? Do they want to get married? Do they think divorce is a valid choice if things "aren't working out?" Will they get help for your marriage if there are issues? Have they been reading and preparing themselves for marriage by reading books on marriage and focusing their life on God? It may sound simple, but commitment is make or break for relationships. If your mate's personal interests trump their commitment to you, you best rethink your choice in marrying this person. 

Summary: The Princess Bride's message to society is clear. Do not let financial circumstances--something society says must be "stable" before marrying--deter you from getting married. Be financially stable, and make a plan to earn money, save, and spend responsibly as needed, but do not let a societal qualification determine when you can and cannot marry. A person's character is more important than their checkbook, and if their character is in the right place and your's is too, odds are you have a lot better of a chance of success in marriage than someone who chooses to marry someone of poor character because the person is "financially stable."