A Lesson from The Princess Bride on Marriage

"Mawwiage. Mawwiage is bwings us togevah today!"

When it comes to the best movie marriage scenes of all time, this one from The Princess Bride (based off of William Goldman's book) takes the cake. It's hilarious, but more importantly the movie has an overall message about "mawwiage" that I think is really important: your fiancée does not need to be perfect or wealthy, but a person of character. 

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If you haven't seen this great movie, I would highly recommend you watch it at some point. I'll give you a brief summary of the movie so you get my point in case you haven't seen it. The story of the movie, read from a book by a grandfather to his grandson, tells the tale of Wesley and Buttercup, a young farm couple that is madly in love. Buttercup is stunningly gorgeous and Wesley decides he must go to America to find his fortune so he can provide for Buttercup and their future family. After years of separation while Wesley is trying to earn his fortune, Buttercup eventually comes to believe that Wesley is dead and she is coerced into marrying the evil Prince Humperdinck so he can ascend the throne. Wesley returns from abroad to rescue the princess from the prince, but in the process she is kidnapped by another group of men who Wesley, under the alias of the "Dread Pirate Roberts," follows until he can save her.

After Wesley's true identity is revealed to Buttercup, the prince and his assistant, the "six-fingered man," are able to capture the pair. The prince plans to marry Buttercup and she makes him agree to release Wesley, but the prince and his assistant keep Wesley hostage and torture him to death. Wesley is eventually revived and with the help of two of the outlaws who kidnapped Buttercup the trio is able storm the castle and interrupt the wedding. Wesley saves Buttercup from nearly committing suicide because of the marriage to the prince and the two ride off into the sunset.

Ok... so marriage isn't exactly "riding off into the sunset," but I think some of the messages in this movie are interesting and warrant some attention. Parts of the plot reflect society's expectations and qualifications for marriage, while other parts contradict these qualifications and say that true love, character, and commitment trumps all.

Wesley's sacrifice at the beginning of the story to leave Buttercup behind to make a fortune is admirable and an enormous sacrifice. Sacrifice is key to any marriage's success. This is part of the message that Wesley gives viewers, but I think his choice also reflects societal expectations. Instead of being with the love of his life and making a mediocre living as a farmhand, Wesley wants to pursue and amass a fortune before he can be with Buttercup. This is a BIG problem society has regarding the "qualifications" for a married couple. Married couples should be able to be financially independent of their parents, as commanded in the Bible when it says men and women become one after "cleaving" ties to their parents. That does not mean the couple has to be rich or "well-establihsed" in their career. The biggest objection many parents and many other people have with young marriage is that the couple isn't financially prepared because they don't have the wealth to marry. Buttercup sends a huge message by rejecting the wealth of Prince Humperdinck in favor of pursuing her true love. She is engaged to marry the prince, but knows that despite the fact that she and Wesley are poor, the love that they have is real and not something that she needs to fake. Society, unfortunately, places too much emphasis on the financial ability of potential couples and not their character.

The character of a couple is not assessed as a qualification for marriage by many members of society. Like we discussed, many people think that finances are critical to having a happy marriage. I, however, think character is far more important of a qualification. If a couple has the right character, the finances are unimportant because they will work hard to make ends meat and they will not forsake each other in financial hardship. Whenever I talk with people about the idea of getting married young (for me or for them), they often tell me that they are not ready and not sure when they will be. I am not saying that Wesley and Buttercup are 'great' example of character, but I would still say Wesley's dedication to return and rescue Buttercup after nearly 5 years and Buttercup's dedication to still love Wesley say something for the power of character and commitment. However, true character and commitment is a lot more than what Hollywood portrays.

Ted Cunningham discusses the importance of character in his book, Young and In Love (which I highly recommend you read). Cunningham says that character is the most important trait anyone should consider in their potential mate or in the validity of their child or friend's desire to get married at a young age. Character assessment in pre-marriage reflections should consider these characteristics: the person's relationship with God, the person's maturity, the person's selflessness, and the person's commitment. 

1. Relationship with God: Is God a priority in the person's life? How long have they been a Christian? Do they have a story of how they came to God? Do they have a testimony? Do they pray? Do they want to raise kids with God's word? Do they attend church regularly and good to additional fellowship groups? These are all important questions you should consider before marrying anyone, young or old. A person's relationship with God can determine how they will act in all aspects of marriage.
2. Maturity: Is the person working or willing to get a job soon? Do they act responsibly? Do they manage money responsibly and budget? Do they live within their means? Is partying or having fun more important than commitments to God, the church, school, or their family? These are just a few questions you can ask of your potential mate to gage their maturity. Your heart will lead you on what is and is not an appropriate level of maturity. 
3. Selflessness: Is the person willing to sacrifice for you and your future family? Are they willing to give up some "dreams" to be with you? Do they get angry at you easily or frustrated easily? Are they more concerned with having fun and doing things their way than meeting your needs or doing things that are important to you? Again, these need to be thought about seriously because if your mate is not selfless I do not care how old they are, they ARE NOT ready to marry. 
4. Commitment: Have they had the opportunity to prove their commitment to you by working through tough circumstances with you? Do they want to get married? Do they think divorce is a valid choice if things "aren't working out?" Will they get help for your marriage if there are issues? Have they been reading and preparing themselves for marriage by reading books on marriage and focusing their life on God? It may sound simple, but commitment is make or break for relationships. If your mate's personal interests trump their commitment to you, you best rethink your choice in marrying this person. 

Summary: The Princess Bride's message to society is clear. Do not let financial circumstances--something society says must be "stable" before marrying--deter you from getting married. Be financially stable, and make a plan to earn money, save, and spend responsibly as needed, but do not let a societal qualification determine when you can and cannot marry. A person's character is more important than their checkbook, and if their character is in the right place and your's is too, odds are you have a lot better of a chance of success in marriage than someone who chooses to marry someone of poor character because the person is "financially stable." 

Why Marrying Young can be Good Financially

Ok, so this post's title is a little bit of a misnomer. I am not trying to say that marrying young has untold benefits of increasing your financial wealth. There are some financial benefits, such as having a combined residence and combined utilities. However, these financial benefits are relatively minor and are not going to make you and your spouse wealthy.



My point with this post is that marrying young can make you wise financially, earning and spending money according to God's plan and allowing you to develop a deep trust for your spouse through joint, transparent finances. When you marry young, you are able to get rooted as a couple in finances instead of falling trap to the rigidity of your spending habits if you marry later in life. As Marisa and I pointed out in this post, living independently for a long time can result in people acquiring habits that are selfish and will not work in marriage. One such habit is selfish finances.

Marriage, in essence, is about maturing as a person spiritually. It is God's way of allowing us to learn at our roots how to be selfless and how to let our selflessness radiate and not affect merely our families, but the community too. When a person is solely concerned about their financial well-being when they live on their own and make their own choices with their personal money, selfishness is likely to following. 1 Timothy 6:10 warns Christians of the pitfall the love and pursuit of money can be in our lives:


"For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money,    have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many sorrows."

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I am not saying that people who marry later in life after being financially established will have marriages doomed to failure. What I am saying is that people who learn to be financially independent may have a more difficult time combining finances in marriage and being financially transparent with their spouse.
In marriage, God calls two to become one, which (in my opinion) includes every aspect of their being, including their finances.

One author blogs about her and her husband's experience growing financially together through marriage. She got married to her husband when she was 19 and he was 21 and admits that things were never a walk in the park financially, especially since they were both not out of college. However, she writes that the rewards of growing financially together, learning to earn, spend, and save transparently with the other, have given them both the benefits of being financially smart and saved them from the enslavement to the pursuit of money. This young wife writes about how being married young and being accountable financially has allowed her and her husband to be tremendously blessed by forming wise financial habits and by placing their trust in God, and not themselves, to get through tough financial times:

I think the difference is that, since we both made minimum wage at our first job {where we met}, we have looked at money as both of ours. We never had money of our own to spend. We didn’t live for 5 years by ourselves making all of the decisions on our own about money. I wasn’t used to taking my own money and going clothing shopping whenever I wanted to with no one to answer to.

The beauty of marrying early is providing young couples with accountability to each other about joint financial resources and realizing that money does not belong to one person or the other, but the family and, ultimately, God. God has called us to love one another and to love our spouses with the sacrificial love of Christ. The Book of Hebrews warns against misplaced love and encourages us to be happy with what we posses: "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you'" (Hebrews 13:5).

Like Marisa, I, and anyone who believes that young marriage should be a thing society, the church, and families not just approve of, but encourage, we understand that young marriage is not for everyone. If you are not at a place where you honestly can sacrifice your personal spending and financial habits for the betterment of your spouse and family, you probably aren't ready for marriage (young or old). As the blog author I quoted earlier puts it, "If we are to be one within marriage, why doesn’t that extend to money?" I don't believe in separate marital accounts or pre-nuptials. Lying and deceit are the products of serving money instead of God's plan, and having separate accounts is an easy way to let lying and deceitful purchases seep into your marriage and possibly destroy your relationship with your spouse.

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Summary: I believe that if you are mature enough to make sacrifices and are wanting to get married young, you should be willing to start off your journey financially together. Young married couples need not be rich or even "well" established financially... they simply need to be at a place where they are selfless and ready to serve God and their spouse. I plan on getting a part-time job next year in college to get my footing now in preparing for financial independence, and Marisa has told me that she considers doing the same. Marriage is about maturing in Christ spiritually and emotionally. I know marriage (especially young marriage) will not be easy, but I believe the benefits that starting off in life with the woman I know God wants me to marry and love will prove to be awesome in all aspects of my life, but especially in encouraging me to change from being a boy to being a man. It's time more young men and women step up to the plate and marry Godly spouses instead of becoming selfish, lazy, or idle. I want to heed God's call in my life by marrying Marisa and in turn learn to not rely on money, but trust in Him. Marriages are destroyed because of the love of money, which stems from the love of self. Learning to be selfless with money through frugality, sharing, and agreed spending with your spouse early in life before you are "financially rooted" and "independent" will have untold benefits for the success of your marriage.