No Greater Love

     Today is a very special day.  On this day, ten months ago, Josh and I officially started dating.  It just sort of happened, and I couldn't be more thankful that it did.  It marked a new phase of my life.  But it wasn't so much the beginning of something as it was the continuation of my life with Josh by my side.  I don't know how I managed without him for so long!

     That being said, I just wanted to take the time to today to reflect on one aspect of young ( and old!) relationships that I find to be so vital: selflessness.  I do realize that several of the posts on this blog have been about love and selflessness.  Yet, my aim with this particular post is not to continue expounding on it, but to share a memory that I've held close to my heart for some time, a memory that I feel shows selflessness in one of its purest forms.

     This past April saw its share of tears and pain.  As I've mentioned before, Josh and I were going through a rough patch at the time.  There were hurt feelings on both sides, which made it hard to find peace within our relationship.  There were times when I'd get so upset about one thing or another that I'd take it out on Josh or completely give him the cold shoulder.  While he was and has always been the more open one, I've been the person that takes much longer to open up.

     One night, as I was lying in my bed trying to fall asleep, I began to feel terrible, even more terrible than I usually felt during that difficult time.  Lying there, I felt the weight of the world crushing me, suffocating me to the point where I felt I couldn't breathe and couldn't go on.  It was a truly dark moment.  My heart was so heavy that I could have sworn it was detaching itself from inside my body and sinking to my stomach.  I felt so empty and lost, yet I hurt so much.  It was a brutal paradox.  In all my life, I don't know that I've felt more alone.

     By the grace of God, Josh happened to be hanging out with friends in my dorm that night.  He was just a floor or two beneath my own.  I remember texting him and asking if he could come to my room if it wasn't too much trouble.  Of course, he responded immediately and within minutes, he was in my room.  I remember asking him was if he would hold me until I fell asleep.  After that, all I remember is Josh squeezing into the tiny bed beside me, softly stroking my hair and comforting me until I drifted off to sleep.  Though I was still hurting, his mere presence lifted some of the heaviness from my heart, to the point where it was once again bearable.

     Looking back, I realize that the night could have been so much different had Josh not been there.  I praise God that he was there for me then and has continually been there for me.  Time and time again, Josh has showed me what it means to be truly selfless.  He's shown me how to love unconditionally and without limit.  Josh could have chosen to ignore my texts that night.  He certainly would have had every reason to.  I had treated him terribly so many times during that period in our relationship.  Yet, Josh chose to drop what he doing and come to my rescue.  It was beautiful.  

     Even after all these months, that memory still makes me tear up.  It reminds me of John 15:13, which says, "There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends."  Josh may not have literally sacrificed his life, but he set aside his hurts and his needs and instead chose to focus on mine.  THAT is selflessness.  THAT is sacrifice.  By lying next to me while I fell asleep, Josh was sacrificing "self".  He was completely taking "self" out of the equation.  And that is exactly what makes relationships work, the ability to set aside your own needs and meet your partner's.

     Selflessness has been one of the most valuable things that Josh has taught me over these past ten months.  You can't have true love without it.  If you never put "self" aside, you'll never know the true, lasting love that Christ desires us to have in all our relationships.  And I must tell you, it is a beautiful, pure love.  It is a love that completely changes your way of thinking as well as living.

Lessons from "The Vow"

     If you were to ask me what one of my favorite chick flicks is, I'd have to say "The Vow", a movie inspired by a true story.  The story centers around Leo and Paige, a married couple who get in a serious car accident that leaves Paige with no memory of the last five years of her life, including all memory of her husband.  Throughout the remainder of the movie, Leo not only attempts to help his wife recover her memory, but also tries to win her heart for the second time. *SPOILER ALERT* Paige never does recover her memory of Leo, but she does gradually falls in love with him again, after which the couple is reunited for good.

     When I first saw this movie several months ago, I was touched.  Not often do you see Hollywood producing chick flicks of such quality.  Most usually revolve around sex, alcohol, drugs, or money (or all of the above).  Yet, "The Vow" is a movie that reminds you that true love is powerful.  It reminds you that marriage isn't just a wedding and eloquent vows.  Marriage is commitment, perseverance, and forgiveness.  In the movie, Leo remains committed to Paige no matter how many times she spurns him and his attempts to remind her of her vows.  He continually perseveres, doing whatever it takes to win her heart again.  Most beautiful of all, Leo never lets his wife's coldness make him forget his own vows to her.  On several occasions, Paige makes it clear that she wants nothing to do with him.  Nevertheless, Leo forgives her behavior time and time again, always remembering the woman she was and the woman he knows she can be.

     While Leo and Paige's story is certainly unique, it reminds me of my own relationship with Josh.  We've gone through our ups and downs just like any couple, but we've always managed to find our way back to each other.  In rough times, we've chosen to dwell on the happy memories we've shared over these last nine months.  In the past, Josh, like Leo, has often had to fight to keep our relationship alive.  He's had to persevere and fight for my heart.  While I'd like to say that I've been the model girlfriend and stood by Josh's side through the thick and thin, I'd be lying.  At one point, I'd sunk so deep into my apathy that I cared little for our relationship and little for myself.  I believed every lie I was fed by the world and allowed myself to temporarily forget who I was.

     Yet, even when I'd given up on myself, Josh never gave up on me.  I'd pull away, and he would pull me back.  At my lowest point, he picked me up, dusted me off, and helped me get moving in the right direction.  Though I'd hurt Josh with my behavior more than once, he never failed to forgive me and continually reminded me not of my many faults, but of who I am and what I have the potential to be.

     So, as you can see, our story is a bit like Leo and Paige's.  Our story hasn't always been sunshine and rainbows, and it has NEVER been without its fair share of trials.  Contrary to what outsiders might perceive, our relationship  has been marked by pitfalls, pain, and apathy.  At times, it's nearly been stretched to its limit.  Even so, something always brings us back.  Something always reminds us of why we fell in love in the first place, and that something has always been God.  When Josh or I have fallen short, He's given us strength to persevere and the strength to love each other through it all.  There have been times when I've felt unlovable and acted in a manner that wouldn't encourage anyone to love me, but Josh has always managed to somehow see past the facades I've thrown up.  He's ripped down these facades and loved me despite my faults.  And that's really the message of "The Vow" isn't it?  Unconditional love, commitment, perseverance, and forgiveness.

A Lesson from The Princess Bride on Marriage

"Mawwiage. Mawwiage is bwings us togevah today!"

When it comes to the best movie marriage scenes of all time, this one from The Princess Bride (based off of William Goldman's book) takes the cake. It's hilarious, but more importantly the movie has an overall message about "mawwiage" that I think is really important: your fiancée does not need to be perfect or wealthy, but a person of character. 

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If you haven't seen this great movie, I would highly recommend you watch it at some point. I'll give you a brief summary of the movie so you get my point in case you haven't seen it. The story of the movie, read from a book by a grandfather to his grandson, tells the tale of Wesley and Buttercup, a young farm couple that is madly in love. Buttercup is stunningly gorgeous and Wesley decides he must go to America to find his fortune so he can provide for Buttercup and their future family. After years of separation while Wesley is trying to earn his fortune, Buttercup eventually comes to believe that Wesley is dead and she is coerced into marrying the evil Prince Humperdinck so he can ascend the throne. Wesley returns from abroad to rescue the princess from the prince, but in the process she is kidnapped by another group of men who Wesley, under the alias of the "Dread Pirate Roberts," follows until he can save her.

After Wesley's true identity is revealed to Buttercup, the prince and his assistant, the "six-fingered man," are able to capture the pair. The prince plans to marry Buttercup and she makes him agree to release Wesley, but the prince and his assistant keep Wesley hostage and torture him to death. Wesley is eventually revived and with the help of two of the outlaws who kidnapped Buttercup the trio is able storm the castle and interrupt the wedding. Wesley saves Buttercup from nearly committing suicide because of the marriage to the prince and the two ride off into the sunset.

Ok... so marriage isn't exactly "riding off into the sunset," but I think some of the messages in this movie are interesting and warrant some attention. Parts of the plot reflect society's expectations and qualifications for marriage, while other parts contradict these qualifications and say that true love, character, and commitment trumps all.

Wesley's sacrifice at the beginning of the story to leave Buttercup behind to make a fortune is admirable and an enormous sacrifice. Sacrifice is key to any marriage's success. This is part of the message that Wesley gives viewers, but I think his choice also reflects societal expectations. Instead of being with the love of his life and making a mediocre living as a farmhand, Wesley wants to pursue and amass a fortune before he can be with Buttercup. This is a BIG problem society has regarding the "qualifications" for a married couple. Married couples should be able to be financially independent of their parents, as commanded in the Bible when it says men and women become one after "cleaving" ties to their parents. That does not mean the couple has to be rich or "well-establihsed" in their career. The biggest objection many parents and many other people have with young marriage is that the couple isn't financially prepared because they don't have the wealth to marry. Buttercup sends a huge message by rejecting the wealth of Prince Humperdinck in favor of pursuing her true love. She is engaged to marry the prince, but knows that despite the fact that she and Wesley are poor, the love that they have is real and not something that she needs to fake. Society, unfortunately, places too much emphasis on the financial ability of potential couples and not their character.

The character of a couple is not assessed as a qualification for marriage by many members of society. Like we discussed, many people think that finances are critical to having a happy marriage. I, however, think character is far more important of a qualification. If a couple has the right character, the finances are unimportant because they will work hard to make ends meat and they will not forsake each other in financial hardship. Whenever I talk with people about the idea of getting married young (for me or for them), they often tell me that they are not ready and not sure when they will be. I am not saying that Wesley and Buttercup are 'great' example of character, but I would still say Wesley's dedication to return and rescue Buttercup after nearly 5 years and Buttercup's dedication to still love Wesley say something for the power of character and commitment. However, true character and commitment is a lot more than what Hollywood portrays.

Ted Cunningham discusses the importance of character in his book, Young and In Love (which I highly recommend you read). Cunningham says that character is the most important trait anyone should consider in their potential mate or in the validity of their child or friend's desire to get married at a young age. Character assessment in pre-marriage reflections should consider these characteristics: the person's relationship with God, the person's maturity, the person's selflessness, and the person's commitment. 

1. Relationship with God: Is God a priority in the person's life? How long have they been a Christian? Do they have a story of how they came to God? Do they have a testimony? Do they pray? Do they want to raise kids with God's word? Do they attend church regularly and good to additional fellowship groups? These are all important questions you should consider before marrying anyone, young or old. A person's relationship with God can determine how they will act in all aspects of marriage.
2. Maturity: Is the person working or willing to get a job soon? Do they act responsibly? Do they manage money responsibly and budget? Do they live within their means? Is partying or having fun more important than commitments to God, the church, school, or their family? These are just a few questions you can ask of your potential mate to gage their maturity. Your heart will lead you on what is and is not an appropriate level of maturity. 
3. Selflessness: Is the person willing to sacrifice for you and your future family? Are they willing to give up some "dreams" to be with you? Do they get angry at you easily or frustrated easily? Are they more concerned with having fun and doing things their way than meeting your needs or doing things that are important to you? Again, these need to be thought about seriously because if your mate is not selfless I do not care how old they are, they ARE NOT ready to marry. 
4. Commitment: Have they had the opportunity to prove their commitment to you by working through tough circumstances with you? Do they want to get married? Do they think divorce is a valid choice if things "aren't working out?" Will they get help for your marriage if there are issues? Have they been reading and preparing themselves for marriage by reading books on marriage and focusing their life on God? It may sound simple, but commitment is make or break for relationships. If your mate's personal interests trump their commitment to you, you best rethink your choice in marrying this person. 

Summary: The Princess Bride's message to society is clear. Do not let financial circumstances--something society says must be "stable" before marrying--deter you from getting married. Be financially stable, and make a plan to earn money, save, and spend responsibly as needed, but do not let a societal qualification determine when you can and cannot marry. A person's character is more important than their checkbook, and if their character is in the right place and your's is too, odds are you have a lot better of a chance of success in marriage than someone who chooses to marry someone of poor character because the person is "financially stable."