Breaking the Chains of False Intimacy

Ask yourself the following questions before you begin reading this post:

• Do you feel like you can share anything with your partner?
• Do you feel like you completely understand the pain of the past?
• Do you trust you partner?
• Are you completely open and intimate with your partner?

If you answered no to any of the above questions, odds are you are pursuing false intimacy. Unlike genuine intimacy, false intimacy gives us the temporary satisfaction of feeling loved, accepted, powerful, or important, but eventually lets us down when reality sets in. Dr. Harry Schaumburg is one of the leading experts on sexual addictions and other behaviors that destroys relationships. Although Dr. Schaumburg's book, False Intimacy, deals primarily with the rooting and causes of sexually addictive behavior, the book also can be used to understand the pitfall and roots of people pursuing false intimacy in place of genuine intimacy. 

Designed primarily to help people overcome addictions to pornography, affairs, and other destructive behavior, Dr. Schaumburg also talks about the causes and roots of why some people resort to this destructive behavior to heal their past wounds and find some sense of intimacy. When people do not understand what intimacy is because of being abused as a child, having a poor parental relationship model, or any other event that would cause intimacy confusion, two responses are common according to Dr. Schaumburg: seeking false intimacy or withdrawing entirely from intimate relationships. 

This book was recommended to me because it can help readers truly understand the roots and perversions of false intimacy and helps readers grow to understand what true intimacy is. Schaumburg argues that most of us at one point or another are the perpetrator of false intimacy. We have all be hurt, disappointed, or confused at one point during our lives and it has led each and every one of us to seek intimacy in satisfaction in a sinful way. Schaumburg states that false intimacy doesn't simply include severe cases of addiction, like viewing pornography or having an affair, but also seemingly minor things, like compulsively fantasizing over romance novels or casually flirting with a coworker. 

To understand what false intimacy is, we need to define what real intimacy is according to God's plan. Real intimacy is what is portrayed in the Garden of Eden between Adam and Eve before the fall of man. The couple lived naked, unashamed, and completely one with one another. 

False intimacy is serpent that comes into our lives and tempts us with false comfort and satisfaction. False intimacy can be rooted in past relationships, pains, and hurts or those of the present. If we have experienced major disappointments or an inability to be intimate with our parents or our early childhood friends, Schaumburg argues that this can be detrimental to our development as an adult with the capacity to be truly intimate. 

I want to briefly share how false intimacy has impacted my life and my side of my relationship with Marisa. I want to put a disclaimer that my sharing of this information is out of humility and I apologize if it offends or saddens you in any way. From around the time my parents got divorced, I have struggled with poor self-esteem and never understood what true intimacy is. I never truly understood what it was because my parents got divorced when I was 12, and much of my early childhood memory of them isn't filled with marital intimacy.  Instead, it's filled with marital disharmony and fighting. I also felt very awkward around my early adolescence because I was a lot taller than my peers and I matured (with a lot of body hair, I might add) significantly faster than any of my peers. This resulted in me being called a 'freak' by a variety of my 'friends' and not being able to make and maintain friendships that I genuinely desired and needed. 

I also had feelings for many of my female classmates around middle school like many guys that age, but I was frequently rejected because of my awkward demeanor and often very gregarious personality. One instance that sticks out in my mind to this very day is when a very attractive classmate of mine whom I had a crush on asked me if I was gay because of my outgoing personality. Ever since this moment, I have had a lot of issues thinking that any woman would genuinely love me, and I've tried to fill the void with destructive attitudes and behavior because of my fear of rejection. 

Without any sort of model for what real intimacy was, I gave into the lies of false intimacy and still struggle to break free. Yet, my past is not an excuse for my continued behavior and sin. My continued negative attitudes and behavior has severely damaged my relationship with Marisa at times. I cannot even begin to imagine how much pain it has caused her. 

IF YOU READ ANYTHING IN THIS POST, READ THIS! The beauty of real intimacy is that although it's hard and it requires a great deal of humility, honesty, and openness, real intimacy embraces you, a sinner, for who you are and loves you even more! This... this has been my relationship with Marisa. We have both shared our struggles with one another and been very hurt at times by things that have occurred. However, we hurt for the other person, not for our own pain, grief, and confusion. Do we have pain from what the other person does? Sure... we are human, after all. Honesty, openness, and total safety are what makes real intimacy work and uplift both people involved! This intimacy was designed by God for parent/child mentoring and eventually husband/wife love. This perfect, real intimacy is modeled after God's desire for an intimate relationship with us! How blessed we are that God loves us and that he shows us how to be truly intimate and truly love!

I must put another disclaimer here: You need to be in a certain place to have real intimacy. You need to be in a place of humility, total love, total acceptance, and you need to completely understand your own problems and past. You need to set aside your own pain, disappointment, and confusion and come to the aid of your partner (or whomever you are intimate with). I have been tremendously blessed, well beyond what I deserve, because of the real intimacy Marisa and I are constantly perfecting. We have had our own issues in our past and we have failed each other. We still have problems embracing real intimacy because setting aside our own pains at times can be hard. However, real intimacy and real love has transformed our lives and makes us certain that we are destined to be together and that we are blessed by our amazing, forgiving, and ever-loving God!

Pray for me, an imperfect sinner, as I journey to break my addiction to false intimacy. I'm praying for you too and encourage you to remove the sources of false intimacy from your life!

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We are blessed to hear from so many of our readers! I encourage you to email us at showinghearts@gmail.com if you have any comments or questions! I also want to open our email to prayer requests for anyone struggling with anything, but especially relationship issues or the pitfalls of false intimacy. We love sharing our experiences with you and hope that you continue with us on our journey. God bless you!

Lessons from "The Vow"

     If you were to ask me what one of my favorite chick flicks is, I'd have to say "The Vow", a movie inspired by a true story.  The story centers around Leo and Paige, a married couple who get in a serious car accident that leaves Paige with no memory of the last five years of her life, including all memory of her husband.  Throughout the remainder of the movie, Leo not only attempts to help his wife recover her memory, but also tries to win her heart for the second time. *SPOILER ALERT* Paige never does recover her memory of Leo, but she does gradually falls in love with him again, after which the couple is reunited for good.

     When I first saw this movie several months ago, I was touched.  Not often do you see Hollywood producing chick flicks of such quality.  Most usually revolve around sex, alcohol, drugs, or money (or all of the above).  Yet, "The Vow" is a movie that reminds you that true love is powerful.  It reminds you that marriage isn't just a wedding and eloquent vows.  Marriage is commitment, perseverance, and forgiveness.  In the movie, Leo remains committed to Paige no matter how many times she spurns him and his attempts to remind her of her vows.  He continually perseveres, doing whatever it takes to win her heart again.  Most beautiful of all, Leo never lets his wife's coldness make him forget his own vows to her.  On several occasions, Paige makes it clear that she wants nothing to do with him.  Nevertheless, Leo forgives her behavior time and time again, always remembering the woman she was and the woman he knows she can be.

     While Leo and Paige's story is certainly unique, it reminds me of my own relationship with Josh.  We've gone through our ups and downs just like any couple, but we've always managed to find our way back to each other.  In rough times, we've chosen to dwell on the happy memories we've shared over these last nine months.  In the past, Josh, like Leo, has often had to fight to keep our relationship alive.  He's had to persevere and fight for my heart.  While I'd like to say that I've been the model girlfriend and stood by Josh's side through the thick and thin, I'd be lying.  At one point, I'd sunk so deep into my apathy that I cared little for our relationship and little for myself.  I believed every lie I was fed by the world and allowed myself to temporarily forget who I was.

     Yet, even when I'd given up on myself, Josh never gave up on me.  I'd pull away, and he would pull me back.  At my lowest point, he picked me up, dusted me off, and helped me get moving in the right direction.  Though I'd hurt Josh with my behavior more than once, he never failed to forgive me and continually reminded me not of my many faults, but of who I am and what I have the potential to be.

     So, as you can see, our story is a bit like Leo and Paige's.  Our story hasn't always been sunshine and rainbows, and it has NEVER been without its fair share of trials.  Contrary to what outsiders might perceive, our relationship  has been marked by pitfalls, pain, and apathy.  At times, it's nearly been stretched to its limit.  Even so, something always brings us back.  Something always reminds us of why we fell in love in the first place, and that something has always been God.  When Josh or I have fallen short, He's given us strength to persevere and the strength to love each other through it all.  There have been times when I've felt unlovable and acted in a manner that wouldn't encourage anyone to love me, but Josh has always managed to somehow see past the facades I've thrown up.  He's ripped down these facades and loved me despite my faults.  And that's really the message of "The Vow" isn't it?  Unconditional love, commitment, perseverance, and forgiveness.

Learning to Listen--Every Man's Struggle

We're still waiting on the first post from Marisa (it's probably coming tonight). In the mean time, I'm on my lunch break at work right now and I wanted to share something about one of my personal struggles in relationships and life in general: listening and taking advice.

While reading a book on how to have a happy, God-directed marriage last night, I came across two chapters that caught my attention. Them first chapter included testimonies from men about what they did to bless their wives and make them happy and the other chapter had testimonies from women about how their husbands bless them. The second chapter from the wives' perspectives was interesting because it also included responses from women to the question "If you could change one thing about your husband, what would it be?"

For most women, the answer was simple and they needed no time to reflect on it. Women want men to genuinely care and listen.

Fortunately, I am not nearly as bad as some men in the testimonies. Many women complained that their husbands watch TV, read a newspaper, or simply ignore them when their wives need to talk. Whenever Marisa wants to talk to me, I always try to give her my complete attention. However, I still fail in listening to her sometimes. If we're in an argument, I may be formulating my next response while she is still telling me her concerns. This is unwise, unhealthy, and can kill relationships.

James 1:19 commands us to be "quick to listen and slow to speak." This scripture isn't just aimed at men, but it speaks powerfully to the role a man is supposed to play in his relationship with his wife as a listener. Most women have two basic needs: to be heard and to be affirmed. You cannot affirm your wife if you do not hear her. I, as well as many other husbands and boyfriends out there, really need to focus on listening to my girlfriend and processing what she is saying instead of being concerned about my day-to-day activities or creating my response to her statement. My dad always says that "there is a reason God gave us two ears and one mouth." I believe under normal circumstances in a healthy relationship, whenever you are having a disagreement with someone you should feel like you are listening twice as much as your speak. When you do this, you are sure that you are actually hearing, processing, and understanding your spouse, not just waiting until the noise ends before you reply.

I know sometimes it can be hard to actually listen to your spouse when you feel like you are under attack. This is something I personally struggle with a lot. Marisa and I both have sharp tongues, and while we are good at communicating, we both struggle sometimes in separating our emotions from our disagreements and concerns. Whenever she says "you do" or "you are" versus "I feel you do" or "It seems you are," I get very defensive. (I do this a lot also, and normally her response is not getting defensive but getting confused or clamming up, so we're both guilty of a lapse in communication.) I immediately go into attack mode, pointing out her flaws and the errors of her logic instead of realizing that (about 99.99% of the time) she isn't trying to be rude, she is trying to correct me gently, even if it doesn't feel that way.

In this circumstance for men (who generally escalate more quickly to defensive mode in arguments than women), the greatest thing you can do is be patient, proceed in love, and realize your wife isn't attacking you. My girlfriend sent me a quote the other day after a disagreement that we had that read "Don't give up when you have something to fight over, give up when the will to fight is gone." I am not saying "fighting" is healthy, but it is true that normally (and I stress "normally") when people have fights or disagreements, especially about personal issues, it is because your spouse really does genuinely care for you and is concerned. If they didn't care, why would they waste their energy trying to help you or convey their concerns to a person they don't love? It's important to realize that although some of us may not be the best at communicating in a gentle way, arguments are a sign that your spouse loves you and is concerned, not that they hate you.

I encourage you all to take the steps Marisa and I are taking by reading books on marriage and relationships and, also, refocus your life and your relationship with God. When you do this, your communication will improve, your marriage will improve, your family-dynamic will improve, and even your general happiness will improve.

One resource I've found particularly helpful in helping me develop my communication skills in my dating relationship is this lesson by Crosswalk.com. This lesson lists the who, what, when, where, and why of communication in marriage. Truly a blessing!

The point: I hope this post helps you (men) understand what your wife or girlfriend is doing when she needs to talk with you or when you get into disagreements. Women need to be listened to, need to be affirmed, and they need to be shown that you actually do care about them. The best way to do that is to take the time to show her that her thoughts, opinions, and criticisms do matter. Heck, I'd even recommend to implement some or most of them because the times Marisa has corrected me and I took her advice it made the world of difference in my life.