Lose the Weight of Defeat

Even as a child, I LOVED books.  Books were and have always been a part of who I am.  I have never merely been a reader, but a dreamer, an idealist, and a visionary.  Around age 6 or 7, however, I was mostly just interested in the pictures in my mom’s “grown up” books.  One book in particular was my favorite.  You may or may not have heard of it.  Its entitled See You at the Top, and it’s written by Zig Ziglar.  I was fascinated by the clever illustrations in this book and constantly stole it from my mom’s bookshelf to leaf through its pages.  I’m pretty sure my mom knew I was only interested in the pictures.  I mean, how many 6 year olds actually read self-help books?

Anyway, a week or so ago, I found the book yet again while cleaning.  Needless to say, I cracked it open and couldn’t put it down.  I’m trying to read it slowly to absorb every bit of advice Mr. Ziglar offers his readers.  One thing really stuck out to me today as I continued reading.  In this particular section of the book, Ziglar is discussing self-image.  Referring to people with poor self-image, he states, “Since they don’t like themselves, they can’t possibly believe that a member of the opposite sex could love them above all others.”  He goes on to say that these people “can neither love nor trust their mate because they neither love nor trust themselves.”  How true that is.  Even as I type this very sentence, I struggle with a terrible self-image.  I often belittle my own talents and abilities and choose to put myself down rather than lift myself up.  It’s damaging, plain and simple.

I’m certain that many of you share in my struggle.  The journey towards self-contentment and satisfaction with one’s lot in life is a truly difficult one.  We not only have to fight our inner demons, but we have to fight against the superficial values of the society we live in.  Be sexier, be smarter, be greater, wear this, don’t wear that, lose those five pounds… We’re constantly bombarded with messages that we aren’t good enough and that we have to change some aspect (or many) of ourselves.  It’s awful!  Not only do we hurt ourselves when we hold onto our poor self-images, but we also hurt those around us, those people that love us and see us as more than enough.

Just as Ziglar said, we can’t love others and make in a difference in the world until we let go of all that’s keeping us down.  I remember playing a certain song over and over when I was younger.  It was a song by Oh Sleeper, a heavy metal Christian band.  A few lines have stuck with me from the very moment I first heard the song...

You're worth more than the cheap words.
You see your body as beauty, but your pulse is worth more.

and

Why do we keep what holds us? Why do I keep what holds me down?
Lose the weight of defeat. It's time to stand your ground.

Those words truly touched me.  They have stuck with me long past my heavy metal days.  I’m worth so much more…  Why am I holding on to what’s only holding me down?  Why am I allowing myself to be crushed by the weight of defeat?  By the lies that tell me I’m not enough? 

Though it’s easier said than done, we can’t allow the weight of defeat to hold us down.  Josh is always telling me that we are victors in Christ, never victims.  It’s so simple, yet so hard to listen to sometimes.  When we are at our lowest, we tend to dwell in our misery, preferring to stay there rather than listen to words of encouragement.  What we don’t realize is that we’re only hurting ourselves further.  Only when we recognize our worth in Christ can we finally make progress towards changing our negative views towards ourselves.  I’m still trying!  I take steps forward and steps back, but I’m always moving further forward, bit by bit.

However, it wasn’t until I read that quote today in Ziglar’s book that I realized that my struggle with self-image doesn’t just affect me.  It affects Josh as well.  The more I cling to my negative views of myself, the more I hurt myself and my relationship with Josh.  In order for me to fully love and trust Josh like he loves and trusts me, I have to let go of the poor self-image and shake off the weight of defeat.  I can’t take steps forward if I’m constantly having to carry unnecessary weight.

In all our relationships, we have to first learn to love ourselves before we can love those around us.  After all, how can we extend unconditional love and acceptance towards others if we can’t do the same for ourselves?  Can we give what we don’t have?  The answer to both of those questions is obviously no.  If we aren’t happy and content with ourselves, we can’t be truly happy and content with others. 

From this ENTIRE post, if there’s only a few pieces of advice you take away, let it be the these:

1. Take an honest look at your self-image 
2. If your self-image is poor, try to eliminate negative thoughts and focus on at least three things each day that you do well or three things about yourself that you like (I KNOW you can think of at least three) 
3. Surround yourself with positive people that build you up rather than tear you down or belittle you 
4. Discuss your struggle with your spouse or significant other so that they too can help you 
5. Research the meaning of love and focus on extending it not only to yourself, but to your partner, family, friends, and coworkers 
6. Keep a journal or write a blog!  Not only is it therapeutic, but it is a healthy and highly recommended outlet for your thoughts, feelings, and prayers.

 If you have any recommendations to add to this list or if you'd like to share your thoughts on self-image, feel free to comment or email us at Showinghearts@gmail.com.

When Life Get's Unclear, Readjust Your Focus

Life is like a camera; how we react to things depends a lot on our perspective and our focus. The success of any relationship depends on the same principles that define photography.

I've been an amateur photographer since my sophomore year in high school when I took my first photography class. In photography, I learned a lot about color, texture, value, composition, and lighting. However, two of the most important things that makes any picture "great" are perspective and focus.

A lot of people with cameras take photos at around eye-level, pointing more or less directly straight forward. Tied with the increasing fad of "selfies," only photographing things at eye level will create a boring and homogenous photography portfolio. The same goes for life and especially relationships.

If you only approach your relationship with one perspective, you only understand where you are coming from. There are times in relationships that require us to change our perspective. Changing your perspective can mean sympathizing with your partner during a dispute or it can mean realizing that when you are wronged by your partner your situation could be significantly worse. Changing our perspective allows us to better understand our partner, our goals for a relationship, and ourselves. If you change your perspective often, you may find that you need to make some serious adjustments to yourself, your decisions, and your character for the betterment of yourself, your partner, and your relationship.

Refocusing allows us to gain greater understanding! Source

The other thing that makes a photograph amazing is clear or unique focus. I cannot tell you how many pictures my teacher vetoed for my portfolio because they were "too blurry" or "incorrectly focused." A lot of people in life go around with an incorrect focus. People, including myself, tend to focus so much on the negative aspect of their mate and their lives. We can grumble and complain about our mate's tics, their inability to communicate, their bad sense of humor, or their inability to listen.

Challenge yourself everyday to readjust your focus! You need to do this especially if you feel wronged or victimized by the person you love. Philippians 4:8 is some of the greatest advice to live by when you are experiencing frustration, disappointment, or anger because of your relationship:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

I am sure you can find at least one good thing in your partner when you are mad at them, and once you do that you can find a dozen, two dozen, or even more things you admire in them. You need to ALWAYS focus on the good in your partner. Whenever we become bogged down by the bad things that our partners have done, it is so easy to get overwhelmed and want to end the relationship or seek commitment elsewhere. Below are some questions you can ask yourself to get yourself thinking about the good things your partner has done in your life:

1. What do you admire most about your partner?
2. What is your favorite thing about your partner's appearance? 
3. What is your favorite thing about your partner's character? 
4. What are some favorite memories you have shared together?
5. What does your partner do for you to make you feel loved, comforted, or secured?

When you ask yourself the above questions, you will be certain to always find positive things about your partner to dwell on during times of turmoil. Life and relationships can be tumultuous. We must keep our eyes on the prize of an amazing relationship and life with God or we will sink. Above all else, it is critical that if you are not where you need to be with God that you readjust your focus on Him. With God, all things are possible, including overcoming your relationship's problems. 

A final note: 

One other thing I learned about photography is that it doesn't matter what type of camera you have, it's the photographer, not the camera, that makes a photo great. You can have a $50 point and shoot, or a $3,000 Nikon DLSR with fancy lenses. If you don't know how to use your camera, you won't take a good picture, plain as that.

People often think that you need lots of money, job security, or an older age (like 30) to be "qualified" to marry. That's complete garbage. It doesn't matter if you are rich or poor, have a job or don't have a job, and young or old. You either have good preparation, the skills to do marriage, and commitment or you don't. Just like how the uneducated photographer will take terrible pictures with the fancy camera, people who are rich, have job security, and are older DO NOT necessarily have what it takes to make a  marriage work. However, the people who are trained, read marriage resources, go to premarital counseling, study the word of God, and understand that marriage requires constant work and dedication can have the most successful marriage around, even if they are not rich, do not have a job right now, or are young. When it comes to getting married, it's the couple, not their circumstances, that will define their relationship's success. 

_________________________________________________________________________________

How can you refocus and change your perspective in your relationship? What are some of the things you value about your partner that help you always focus on the good? We love to hear your story! Feel free to comment below or email us at showinghearts@gmail.com.

God bless you!

Touch: An Important Love Language

Let me preface this entire post by making it clear that I have nothing against couples who decide to postpone physical affection (i.e. kissing, full-on hugs) until marriage.  If you have the willpower to wait till then, more power to you!  At the same time, I can’t say that it is entirely healthy for all couples.  I do understand that even the most innocent physical affection can go too far too fast.  Yet, I can’t emphasize enough how much I firmly believe in touch during courtship (notice I said COURTSHIP).  I feel that for many couples it is actually helpful rather than hurtful.

I’m sure some of you may have read Dr. Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages.  For those of you who haven’t, Dr. Chapman breaks down the basic needs of married individuals.  He defines these needs as love languages and lists five.  These languages are words of affirmation, acts of services, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch.  Married or not, these love languages apply to everyone.  Though Josh and I aren’t yet married, we both know each other’s primary love language.  His is definitely quality time!  Josh loves to spend time with me with others, but also needs alone time with me.  Refusing to acknowledge or meet his need for quality time emotionally drains him and puts a strain on our relationship.

I, on the other hand, am more of a mix.  I have two competing love languages, words of affirmation and physical touch.  Josh also recognizes the importance of meeting these two needs.  If one of us continually fails to meet the other’s needs, the results can be disastrous.  Physical touch is no exception to this rule.  In the past, Josh has (unknowingly) not fulfilled my need for physical touch.  He wasn’t “speaking” my love language.  Rather than doing the appropriate thing and verbally expressing myself, I chose to become bitter and pull away.  At the time, he had no idea what my two love languages were, which just made it all the more difficult for him to address the issue.  Today, I’m happy to say that we both know each other’s love languages and are better able to meet each other’s emotional needs.   

I say all of that to emphasize the fact that physical touch (to many) is just as important as the other love languages.  If Josh were to never kiss me or hug me or put his arm around me, I guarantee you I’d start to feel emotionally starved.  Ask anyone who shares this love language with me and they’ll completely agree.  Though touch does not define a relationship, its power must not be underestimated.  Physical affection is not love itself, but it is the very product of love.  Thus, its absence is often perceived as the absence of love. 

In marriage, couples who rarely touch often feel distant from their spouse.  They begin to feel unloved, though they might not admit it.  This principle is true for all romantic relationships.  While lack of touch is most detrimental in marriages, it is crushing in all relationships.  Ignoring the need for touch can destroy the emotional closeness between two people.  In an article written by Dr. Chapman, he states that physical touch “communicate[s] that you care” and that “a hug is worth more than a thousand words”.  To the person whose love language is physical touch, something as casual as a kiss on the cheek or a quick hug can brighten their entire day.

So, I challenge you to learn your spouse or significant other’s love language.  Learn what they NEED.  If it’s words of affirmation, genuinely encourage them each day!  Quality time?  Mark spaces in your schedule to put work or school aside and spend one-on-one time with them.  Is their love language physical touch?  Even if you’re not the most touchy-feely person, always make a conscious effort to give them meaningful hugs and maybe even a kiss on the forehead.  Something as small as learning to speak each other’s love language can make a world of difference!

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to comment below or send us an email at showinghearts@gmail.com.  We look forward to hearing from you!

Forgiveness: Christ Commands us to to not Cast our 'Stones' at our Sinning Mate

Disappointment is inevitable in marriage and in life. One way or another, people will let you down. The severity of disappointment often varies by offense. Your spouse can let you down by mocking you and being a bad communicator, or they can disappoint you by committing infidelity which msn.com lists as the #3 reason couples get divorced. No matter how disappointed you are by your spouse, if you want to continue your relationship and live according to Christ's plan, it is critical to be in a place where you can forgive them and work towards restitution.

I think most married people would agree that one of the greatest offenses their spouse could commit (and the hardest to forgive) is infidelity. For people already struggling with insecurity or feelings of low self worth, the blow from infidelity can be almost unbearable. However, whether it be infidelity or any other offense, the hardest thing to rebuild after committing a serious sin against your spouse is trust.

Rebuilding trust and moving forward from any offense requires the commitment of both spouses. It requires the offending spouse to realize what they did was wrong and that they have the desire to repent and change from their ways. For the offended spouse, it is key to learn to forgive and work forward like Christ commands.

Whenever I've been hurt by Marisa in the past, I always tried focus on the lesson learned through Christ's forgiveness of the woman caught in the act of adultery in John 8. In the time of the Pharisees, the "law of Moses commanded [the people] to stone" women caught in the act of adultery (John 8:5). The punishment for this act wasn't just a separation from her husband (like it is so often today), but her brutal execution by her neighbors.

Christ forgave the woman caught in the
act of adultery! He encourages us to forgive
one another an give grace freely. Source

The people in this story were preparing to stone the woman for her sin, fulfilling the punishment that the law commanded. Sometimes we use our own stones from our hurt and pain to "stone" our mate. Even if you do not terminate the relationship, your words and actions can sometimes result in the spiritual death of your mate, causing your mate to be suffocated by so much grief and guilt for what they did.

Instead of stoning our spouse, we need to drop the stone and come to their aid, no matter how hard it seems. Christ protected this adulterous woman, proclaiming to the crowd "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her," (John 8:5). The crowd left from the oldest to the youngest, realizing that nobody was without sin and that nobody deserved to stone her for what she did.

You have NO right to "stone" your spouse for what they did to you, no matter how bad you are hurt. If you want to work forward from whatever transgression occurred, you must embrace the forgiveness of Christ and extend it to your spouse, realizing that the forgiveness and grace you are giving to your spouse is the very same forgiveness and grace Christ has given all of us.

Forgiving your spouse and working towards restitution are two different things. Forgiveness only involves yourself... it is your choice and it helps you! Working towards restitution means that your spouse is actively interested in forsaking their past sin and moving forward. Christ told the woman that he "does not condemn her," but also "to go and sin no more."

The blessing of grace is the gift of a another chance. Christ has given us a second chance. Lay your hurt at the foot of the cross, pray, and extend the love of God to your sinning spouse in the same way Christ forgave the adulterous woman... the same way he forgives us and gives us grace.

I was inspired to write today's post when I flipped open my copy of The First Five Years of Marriage  to a chapter entitled "How Can I get my Spouse to Forgive Me?" The answer to this question is that you really cannot force your spouse to forgive you, but encourage them to forgive. One couple that experienced the pain of infidelity told the author of this chapter that the following scripture was central to their recovery from the affair:

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice: And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:31-32). 

Forgiveness is a process, and it takes time. This author from Focus on the Family gives us 4 points to remember when going through the process of forgiving our spouse (or anyone, for that matter):

1. Recognize that forgiveness is a process
2. Realize that fear can be a barrier to forgiveness
3. Seek outside guidance (e.g. a counselor)
4. Be honest with yourself 

Forgiveness and restitution can be the most rewarding experiences in growing your relationship as a couple and growing your relationship with Christ. Marisa and I have both hurt and disappointed one another multiple times. However, by following Christ's commandment to forgive, Marisa and I have deepened our love greatly for each other and nurtured our relationship with Christ. By extending Christ's forgiveness and grace to your spouse, you can truly learn what it means and how awesome it is that we are forgiven and unconditionally loved by God! 

Have you been hurt by something your spouse has done? Have you overcame disappointment through forgiveness and grace? As always, Marisa and I love to hear what you have been through in your relationship and walk with Christ! We encourage you to comment on our posts or email us at showing hearts@gmail.com with your testimony, questions, and points of discussion.

God bless you, and I hope you have an amazing weekend!